Resurrection.

Love isn’t safe… 

I think that’s the newest thought to stick with me that I can’t shake… because the truth is, it isn’t. I see love being like mankind in the sense, it was supposed to be a simple experience. You know? Black and white… no grey, Adam and Eve before the apple type thing. But then we had the apple and it opened eyes and minds to so many other things and now love has become this complex idea I can’t help but crave to understand. The latest understanding is that love is unsafe; which is weird because that’s a top 5 desire on my love list. Safety. 

Right now I wish for a safe space… I’m craving to feel safe. Not like, I don’t wanna be worried someone is gonna kill me safe, but “I wanna be able to take my wig off” safe. Now don’t laugh or make fun of me because I’m serious. That wig off thing is a real metaphor. I mean yeah it’s literal too but when I say it, there are so many ways I want to feel free in my vulnerability with a man. Beyond taking the wig off and him seeing me in my straight backs, I wanna be able to love how I love… and not apologize for it…  or not feel like they lack the capacity to hold me. I want to feel like it’s okay to show up for someone and it not be a “I didn’t ask you too” kinda thing “so I’m not responsible for your disappointment if I don’t reciprocate”. I want to feel like the possibilities are endless… no restrictions. I wanna feel safe to address conflict without feeling like I’m antagonizing when all I’m really trying to do is learn and improve. Most importantly, I wanna know that if there comes a moment when it’s too overwhelming to keep it together and I break, I’m breaking where I can be loved back together. 

While safety is one thing I want, love is not safe. There is always a risk with love. A high one at that when dealing with some one you like… and the more you grow in like/love, the greater the risk you take. I mean think about it, the greatest love story on earth results in someone’s death. Jesus dying is like the ultimate form of love in my eyes. I don’t think literally anyone has to die for me to have love, but I do think there will be a lot of things that will suffer, like egos for an example. 

Let me be dramatic for like two seconds, but I feel like I’ve died a thousand deaths with this thing called love. Now, not really a thousand because my heart hasn’t known that many, but I’ve both died and grieved enough times. When it ends, I grieve the same person over and over again. The grief is the realization that those boys/men have never been “it”. It isn’t until it dies that I grieve for “him”. But, nonetheless, with time I get back out there and open myself to the risk and possibilities of love. It’s insane, annoying, and exhilarating all at the same time. I don’t seem to get enough and I don’t think I ever will because there’s this crazy thought that “him” whoever “he” is, will have been worth the thousand deaths, griefs, and resurrections I’ve had to encounter. Jesus pleaseeee don’t let me down. 

Love isn’t safe, but the possibilities that could come from it tend to outweigh the risks of being damaged from it. You love with the risk they might not love you back, but you hope they will. I’ve learned so much from Jesus. 

Love well, love free, love open, love always.

Dear Hearts, Happy Resurrection. 

Neosporin vs Perspective

Life is sometimes unkind with its transitions. Things can be here today and gone tomorrow. One month you can be headed in a direction and then the next, God has you headed somewhere else. I really pray He gives you the ability to step outside of yourself and see... maybe not always the bigger picture but at least a positive perspective.

That’s the word of today. Perspective. Things change, people reveal and sometimes you think they’ve changed when really they’ve finally become comfortable enough to be themselves. You have to be warm enough to allow people that grace...The grace to be themselves no matter how disappointing it may become to you. The lesson I spent 28 learning and 29 now putting into practice is to also extend yourself the same grace. You get to be who you are unapologetically and hand that same disappointment to those who want you to become something you simply cannot.

Not disappointing as in “they were trash” but disappointing as in I can’t be who or what you require. You don’t have to settle for something that’s not what you want because you like a person and don’t want to hurt them... because you’ll only end up hurting yourself. A relationship is over when there is no compromise or like my pastor said today, when there are two different cultures. When it’s right or when the relationship is the priority (mindset culture), all parties will adjust as needed to sustain the relationship while mutually benefiting from the adjustment. Like shifting in space could allow more room for you both to fit comfortably. 

But I wasn’t willing to settle and he wasn’t willing to uproot. The cultures didn’t match and honest to God I knew it. It was like a size 7 on a 8 size foot. After confirmation after confirmation I knew marriage wasn’t on the table anymore for me and it took me some time to take the ring off. It looked nice on my finger. I embraced the thought of intentionality and purpose even though purposes (cultures) weren’t aligned. The thing about “will” is if you’re gonna “be” in the will you gotta “stay” in the will and that requires you adjusting and sacrificing. Our wills were different. To be in his, I’d have to adjust and go without but to stay in God’s I have to always allow him to orchestrate and go with his flow... even when it’s rocky. His transitions can seem unkind but in the end it’s all for our good... where everyone can benefit. 

Mutual understandings and adult endings can be kind. They suck though as most endings do, but still can be kind in the way that leaves no malice. Jumping back to “perspective”, I could see it from a place of lack and be devastated or I could see it from a place of opportunity and promise and find relief. I think I’d hate God if past situations were where he left me. Because like whew, the ghetto. Would not recommend. 2 out of 5 stars and I give it 2 because the coloring was usually colorful. Kanye Shrug. However, my perspective this time is the same... I would’ve been worried if this was as good of a thing that God could create. But now that He changed my direction, I’m hopeful and excited, but also anxious and sad to be transitioning... all of which I think are valid. Transitions are a potential chance to have more. 

Perspective is a beautiful and healing gift. It’s like the neosporin you put on a wound. You heal differently. 

With Love, J. Sheppard

Crap.

You know what happened to me today… I went for a brisk walk and jog… and after my first mile, I probably had about point six of a mile to go before I got back home, but my nervous but very strong tummy gave out on me. I crapped all over myself… it just happened so quick. I had just made it up a steep hill, right at one point zero two miles of my thirty minutes of cardio and then boom. She cramped up on me and I mean it was a really bad cramp. I said to myself, “J you can make it just hold on a little longer….” But about fifteen seconds after that, I realized I wasn’t going to. I couldn’t run because I was in sooo much pain. So “now I’m on the hotlineeee” (Pretty Ricky reference) hitting up the one person I know is gonna have my back and come get me from out the street. As I’m talking to her via text letting her know I didn’t think I was gone make it, it was a smooth “holy shit”…. (I’m sorry Daddy, I couldn’t refrain this time because that’s exactly what happened). I didn’t scream it out, I just closed my eyes and that’s all I could say… “holy ….”. I’m not going to bore you with the description of the consistency, but it didn’t run down my leg if that’s what you’re wondering.

So here she comes speeding through the neighborhood, had to be going fifty in a fifteen. But she was there, and she let me get in her car poopy pants and all. Immediately, she knew how embarrassed I was, and she goes into “it’s really okay. You’re okay. And we’ll be home in a minute”. I just sat on my side because I didn’t want to mush it but I wanted to cry because I was so embarrassed. I was hurt that my body, as strong as it is, couldn’t be stronger. I was disappointed because I felt like I failed. I had a step goal and that went out the window all because of my nervous tummy… but I was hurt that my body, as strong as it is, couldn’t be stronger.

What’s my point of sharing this really embarrassing story with you guys? I’m getting there. My body and I have a very sensitive connection with each other. When things are off, my body is usually my first sign. If I’m stressed, I’m biting the skin away from my thumbs, If I’m concerned about something, a random sneeze fit will happen. If I’m avoiding something, I won’t sleep. If I’ve become consumed in thought, no matter what’s happening around me, my mind won’t deviate. If I’m nervous or if something is happening elsewhere with someone connected to me, my stomach is undone. The night Khrisi died, I was up at 4 am and I thought I was pacing around because it was Halloween day and I was nervous about letting Karter dress up in a costume…. But I think while I was up pacing, she was dying.

So, my nervous tummy. I’m not fully sure what it’s about because I have wretched looking thumbs now and I haven’t really slept since last week… but I know how I feel. I feel like, David, Circa 16. I’m not going into details because those that’s been around me, or those that have read my book at the very least, knows what that means. I think I just had to spell it out for myself. I needed to see it. They say history repeats itself and I do think that’s true. The way God will let you be continuously tested until you pass it… so here we are, just weeks from graduation and it’s like a horrible case of Déjà vu. I hate it honestly, but the word I received was to “accept it in this season and cooperate”. So that’s what I’m going to do… cooperate. No objections, no fighting it, and definitely no trying to hold on. Words are one thing, but it’s the actions that will tell you more of what you need to know to make the best decision you can for yourself.

Advice Time: The best way to handle a load of crap? Let it go. You’ll feel so much better once you do. Don’t try to hold it for fear of embarrassment because of who might see, SCREW YOUR NEIGHBORS. FRIEND, let that ish go. The cramp is a sign that it no longer fits here, and it needs to be released. You’ll feel a whole lot lighter once you do. Here’s to my readers releasing things all 2020.

Waiting with PTSD.

Sometimes, you don’t realize how deep the trauma stems until you’re finally away from it and are in a place where you can begin to heal. I didn’t realize how impatient I had become until I had to own my fact that I don’t give things too much time to develop or play out. Especially if the scenario looks familiar, automatically I like to think I know the end result. Either they won’t get it done and will drop the ball or I’m going to be waiting forever because it’s not a priority to them so let me just go ahead and do it myself. I think over the years I’ve learned to size up the type of person I’m dealing with… whether it’s business, ministry, or relational. One thing about being a dependable person, you learn quickly those that are like you and those that aren’t.

I’ve become accustomed to just doing the things I want and getting the things I want when I can for myself because, it’s extremely rare that I’m rocking with another individual who’s track record does numbers like mine. I’ve learned the behavior, (not that it’s a good thing but its honest), that if they don’t show signs of action immediately, they aren’t going to do it or when they decide to do it, it will be too late. Either the deadline will have passed, or I will have lost the notion. Someone asked me, “why do you need them to do this right now, why does it have to happen when you ask for it, why don’t you want to wait” and the reality is, it doesn’t have to I guess… but when you don’t move, you remind me of so many scenarios that ended with a result of me never getting what I needed. It reminds me of a lack of follow through.

It’s almost like some sort of anxiety or PTSD I think that comes from waiting. There’s always the thought of but what if they don’t… or what if they forget… and then that is internalized as, you weren’t important enough for them to do it or they didn’t care enough about what you needed/wanted. I can’t tell you how many times or years I waited… So now, when this happens in relationships, what do I do? I become very quiet or I began detaching. I don’t believe in sustaining too many relationships out of fear of having too many people close enough to hurt me. That’s family, friendship, and love. It’s not something I’m proud of but it is something I wish was understood about me.  I wish everyone thought

“I have to follow through on what I say and with what I do because if I don’t, she won’t feel safe with me”.

That’s it. I don’t have unrealistic desires or requests… they’re usually unrealistic when it’s not something someone wants to do. Say what you mean and mean what you say… because I’m watching. I’m taking note and I’m paying attention. How well can you follow through? Because that’s what’s needed to get close to me.

The Box.

You ever wonder why when a man asks a woman to marry him, it’s a beautiful ring... inside of a box. 

I mean, what’s up with that? A box? I guess from a healthy and normal perspective, the box could represent a covering and protection... as it should in retrospect... but then there’s the good ol’ Jelly perspective; where a lot of things have a distorted, abnormal, and bilateral meaning. 

So this box... some people like the classic black while others prefer the pretty blue Tiffany, but it’s merely a box. I get in these situations where I wish I could be married right, but I seriously consider if I’m built for it. It’s the “come what may, I do” for me. Life has always been so up in the air in the most blessed, it worked together for my good, kind of way... but that doesn’t negate the pain. 

Anyway... this box. I’m gonna get it out, I’m just concerned about how it reads once I type it, but it’s a box. Is it this really beautiful symbol of commitment, love, and success confined by a box? Is it I’ll give you all of me if you’ll commit to being the idea of what I envision inside this box? Now... you’re probably thinking I’m a conspiracist, and that “GIRL ITS JUST A FREAKING BOX FOR PRESENTATION PURPOSES. YOU OVERTHINKING IT!!!!!!” But I look at the success rates of marriages now and I wonder “is it”? I wish I could do a study on the couples who said yes to the box and survey what the relationship is or was like so I could see if that box gives any inclination about what your marriage would be like based on what type of spouse you are. 

But that’s burritos under an expensive hood. Not important.... just a thought. I will always be an over thinker because I absolutely have to get it right. After getting it so wrong with so many close calls.... I know God keeps a look out. He’s very faithful with that... but I can’t help but feel like apart of getting the blessing is in my vigilance... in my rationalizing... in my overthinking until I’ve dissected it fully and have weighed the room for error to decide if it’s a risk I’m willing and can afford to take. 

Is it just a box? I know one of the many things I’m afraid of is, being in a place where I can’t grow or where I feel stuck or limited. Limitations really get under my skin because biblically it just doesn’t make sense. But is it just a box? 

Heads up? Don’t present me with a box. Just ask me with my ring and maybe put it on top of a cupcake or something…because a lifetime of cake, I’ll definitely commit to. 

Breaking Even.

How do you know when a relationship is done? 

When you no longer have any grace for him or her. 

Chucky and I.... that day I realIzed I had no more grace for him and that would mean there would be no room for mistakes. Healthy or unhealthy kind. I wouldn’t be forgiving moving forward... I’d become extremely critical and everything would have to be absolutely perfect, but the problem with that, nothing is ever perfect... I knew then there was no way to move forward. I was all out of ways and methods I could make it work. I had exhausted every measure I had within me... I had nothing left. That was me at 20. Emptying out everything and leaving no value within me because I thought Love was going the distance, no matter how horrendous the journey may have been. I had no clue that when the relationship starts taking more than it invests back in you, that it’s a death trap sent to destroy you. No one taught us that growing up, because up until the early 2000s, self love, appreciation, and value were not principles we taught. I’m so glad I’m still young enough to master those things before it became too late for me and I was too settled in who I was to change my ways.

Now, at 28, I’m mindful. I’m observant. I take inventory. I pay attention to what I put out, what I invest, and I monitor my ROI (return on investment). I analyze the frequency of the return... is it a consistent one? I analyze the size of the return.... is it a profitable one? At the very least I expect to break even but even looking at me type that seems like a “weak bitch mindset”. 

(It’s a thing for me....not to be demeaning but motivation of who not be... weak nor a bitch).

Very briefly I feel the need to explain... not justify.... but explain. A weak bitch is someone who settles for things she know she doesn’t deserve but then never makes any effort to acquire more for herself. She accepts the maltreatment and complains but never changes her situation. So, see? Not bitch as in a female dog... you’re still very much a queen, just one that’s lost her throne. In this connotation, bitch is like one who complains or nags. 

But back to the topic at hand. We should all shoot for a high return on investment... so at the very least if you do break even at least you’ll have what you started with. The only thing about breaking even, there was no gain. No increase. You won’t become better than who you are and what that looks like is you not growing. If you ever stop growing in life you might as well be dead... or the relationship might as well be dead. Iron sharpens Iron is a biblical principle that applies to every type of relationship you have and you should dedicate most of your time, attention, and resources to those relationships that makes you better because of the mutual investment you both give. 

At the end of the day, if the best thing about your business deal is that you broke even, run. It has a high risk with no to low return. It’s not the best investment for your company but I do understand if you’d decide to make it work. Most people can’t even break even… so you’re not exactly doing bad for yourself, but my favorite idiom in life, “it’s not so bad means it’s not so great either”. Depending on what you bring to the table and the value of your investment, you get to decide if it’s worth it. I think all relationships have a break even point, before it yields a high return or no return... you just have to be mindful and catch the break even point. Then when you get to your crossroads, you can usually predict how the relationship will mature. Like any business investment it either shows promise or it doesn’t. 

Don’t get in bed with a raw deal... you’ll get fucked every time. 

With Love, J. Sheppard 

The Long End of the Stick.

Love is a full time thing. 

It requires consistency, intentionality, consideration, grace, and time. It’s ever evolving and like people it has to be reevaluated as it grows with the relationship. I think this applies to all aspects of relationships. Intimate ones but friendships too. 20 year old me is nothing like 28 year old me… 30 year old me will be different from who I am now and of course as I evolve, so will my desires. 

If you have a partner that just gets it… or they inherently understand evolution and truly values and embraces change, then you won’t have to verbally express the need for evaluations… they’ll adapt with the flow. Those people are rare though. Honestly, I thought I was the easily adapt and flow with change type that just gets it but… I might not be as open to change as I’d like to be. It’s something I’ll always have to work at because when I find something I like, I want it to stay exactly how I like it. Don’t do anything different. When I want something different, I’ll be different… 

However, everything changes and nothing is ever the way it was but it will always be the way it is. For most relation-ers (yeah I made it up just go with it), you have to “check in”. Or wait, let me go back a little. 

Do you think a person should appreciate the love you give them or do they have a say in how you love them? 

That’s the question of the day. Do you get to request the ways in which I love you or should you just be grateful that I do? Is it selfish to want to be treated in a particular way? Or is it a life hack on how to ensure all parties are getting the long end of the stick? 

Either way…. I think it can only help to ask your lover or friends how they want to be loved at that point of your relationship. I think it’s healthy to check in and see how they feel about how you’ve handled them lately and what improvements can be made if any at all… but you’re probably killing the love thing and no changes are needed (smug sarcasm). I think it’s also healthy to approach that conversation with GRACE. That’s not a dialogue you have unless you truly desire to enhance the happiness of the friend you’re in relationship with. It’s also not a conversation you initiate with YOU in mind. That’s the beautiful thing about real love, you can’t manipulate it. You can’t initiate this conversation trying to force a fake mutual gain. You have to have this conversation because it’s on your vision board to be the best friend or lover you can be. It’s just who you are… it’s connected to your level of innate greatness but that’s a whole new bag of burritos under the hood. 

If it’s in your heart to love better, to be a better friend, partner, parent, or whatever, take some selfless time to evaluate how the recipients of your awesomeness would like to be loved, handled, and communicated with. It goes beyond the love language test, because let’s be real, your love language is not just one preference. It’s a conglomeration of needs with one aspect holding higher value, but the other languages are not to be neglected in order for us to feel complete in love. 

Be Great in all that you do… when you get tired learn to rest and not quit, and when you become complacent, reevaluate. Always extend grace… to yourself and to the ones who make efforts to get it right. 

The Season.

It’s not really about the person you know. I’ve met some really wonderful people since then. It could have something to do with the fact I felt like our relationship was abrupt prematurely. We didn’t get to bud and bloom. Sometimes I still get angry about that. But maybe it’s not about the person. I think it really boils down to it was just a lot to endure and go through. It was very hurtful. While just, it was still unfair. 

And I haven’t fully learned how to navigate those waters. No fault with God but more so “who said you could hurt me like that?”. I don’t think that’s directed toward him but to the memory... or to the consequence of the action... maybe to to the pain itself. Just who told you you could hit me like that. 6 years in and

It’s not about the person anymore. It’s about the pain. 

I couldn’t put my finger on it but time left alone I have nothing else to do but talk to myself. No desire really to be with my friends because that’s another reminder... not really wanting to do much but wishing I could do everything at the same time. Just wanting an overwhelming amount of excitement. Fun... but not the kind that numbs me... which seems to be all the world can offer me right now. I long for the kind of fun that makes me feel everything... but even the negative feelings are overtaken by the good ones. The kind of release where love wins. 

I thought maybe you were lacking but maybe it is me. Maybe I’m trying to say a lot and you aren’t keen enough to catch what’s behind the words. “It just feels like lately we haven’t had real [time]”.... “quality time”.... long distance is hard because you don’t have the freedom of free time.  Everything has to be arranged and plan. Whims don’t work with long distance. Distance equals rate x time. Distance impacts the rate of which we have time. The bigger the distance, the bigger the decrease in frequency of time spent. 

The theme here is time. All I’m asking for is increased time. Have we fallen off or am I more sensitive now that I’m reminded I’ll never have enough time. 

All I ever require of those I want the most is time... and it’s the one thing I can never get enough of... which is probably why I’m drawn to those who cant and those who won’t give it to me. What is the one thing money can’t buy? Time... or can it? Maybe that’s where my underlying theme of tussling with how I can make more money comes from. Lack of time... so throw money at what you don’t have time to do. I could say so much about that but I’ll let that thought go…feels like a rabbit’s hole. I notice when things change... people change... seasons change. After a few subtle requests it’s easier to result to shutting everything out. ‘Tis my season where I don’t want to feel or be connected to anything that forces me to lack. To the outside I project numb. You’ll feel like I’m unreachable and unreasonable. But on the inside I feel it all and I feel it strongly. Just a ball of emotions. I don’t wanna be touched because I don’t wanna feel... and normally everything that touches me, it’s their lack I can feel. 

Last stretch of the year. Through a pandemic this should be different. I just want to get through it

My Husband Gave Me A Pass...

I’d like to think I was given something some won’t agree with or understand. (“No he didn’t you made a decision and blah blah”... yeah hush. It’s my blog and it’s my revelation so relax.) 

Now.... the very REAL and personal relationship I have with my first love is mine and growing deeper every day. It’s so real that with the conviction I have about everything that’s happened, condemnation isn’t something I’ve experienced at all... surprisingly. I’m sure people will view me differently and I hope that when they do, it gives me deeper access to the freedom I already feel. 

My husband gave me a pass. For years of my life, I’ve been the good girl. Couple slip ups here and there but always the “good girl”. I write this proudly, that I am and will always be the “good girl” type. I make efforts to do what is right whether you see it through society’s eyes or God’s. HOWEVER, shorty’s no where near innocent... and that’s the fun part about having access to me. 

But with this “pass”.... or maybe I should call it a “blessing” like August did. “HE GAVE ME HIS BLESSING!”. I had gotten to a place where I felt trapped, like a slave, in a box, bored, and very much routine/rule like. I was becoming unsure if I was still in it out of voluntary love or fear. We had gone from friendship to master/servant (not the BDSM kind) but I do because I’m supposed to type stuff... obligation if you will. 

So... my mind was battling with the unknown. Feeling like I had committed too soon and missed out on another side of life... But my Husband loves me enough that he doesn’t want to be with me out of obligation. He doesn’t want me to feel like I’m being forced to commit to him... and I don’t blame him. Who would want to be in a relationship like that? We deserve to know both parties are here because we truly love each other and our union is what we both want. No one-sided anything here. 

So, with this blessing... I was graced with a lot of things, one being time. Time to explore and access the unknown... other options... entanglements if you will. To see if there was someone else that could satisfy me. So I did... and I wasn’t looking right? Let me clarify. I really had eyes only for my lover but, something else kinda came my way and it was different. Not that it’s any of your business but August was... a lot of first times and fantasies wrapped in one experience. My husband is all of those things and more and I know that now, but... in the moment I wasn’t sure. Our way of living lasted for  some months... the details of what we did are none of your concerns because they don’t matter. What matters is, I went outside my marriage seeking fulfillment elsewhere... living prematurely is the best way I can explain it. 

Long story short, I’m bringing myself to the red table and I’m sitting with my husband and we’re figuring it out. He hasn’t given up on me. He still only wants me. I am still his choice and he doesn’t resent me. In return, with the freedom I had, I was able to see clearly the decision and type of life I really do want to live. I know that I’m not missing out on anything, what I have is truly what I want and the best thing I could’ve ever been introduced to. My way of living is by choice. My commitment is from the heart and by choice. “I love because he first loved me”... I can reciprocate his affections towards me. I now know I don’t want to know anything he doesn’t give me insight to. My husband is everything and more. His leadership, his love, his discipline, his words, his affections, his hands, his embrace, his image, his mindset, his heart, his vision for our life together.... is what I want. 

My husband gave me his grace and waited for me to come into the person he knew I would be. I know the moment I truly became his bride was the day I said yes and knew my yes was of my own free will. I’m renewing my vows, and because I know he’ll still have me, we did and we forever will. I love you. 

Hosea 2:14-23, Hosea 6, Revelation 19:7-9

The Heart of Your Assignment

He asked me, “How’s your heart?”.`
What if I told you I know what your “purpose” is? Because I do and you should know too. 

In my latest book I talk about how every relationship you encounter and invest in should be one of purpose; and yield or show some evidence of a desirable return. Well, the same principle applies to the spiritual relationship you take on if you’re into that sort of thing. For instance, I love Jesus. He’s my savior..... When storms are raging..... he’s my shelt.... (sorry, sometimes I’m musically minded.) But anyway, Jesus is my guy of choice. (For my hearts out there, this piece is very biased, but truthful nonetheless.) 

When it comes to your relationship with him, you have what is called a greater purpose or “assignment”. So in the Christianity realm, everyone’s assignment is different.... to a certain extent. (Again, my own personal belief.) While God has given us all different things to do and accomplish while here on earth, at the heart of every assignment is worship. God created us to worship him... that’s really the foundation of why we were created.

Isaiah 43:21, “the people I made especially for myself, a people custom made to praise me.” (MSG).

I mean think about it, what is the one thing that every Christian is supposed to be able to do? What is the one “gift” we all have in common? Worshipping. (Sidebar: when we worship, it is a gift from God to us. Whose changed through worship? Not him... He’s God and needs nothing... but we are always changed for the better when we engage in worship and beautiful things happen for us when we do. So, there you have it. It’s a gift... or present. ) 

Worship is a gift, yes, but it’s also a gift in the sense of God-given ability... and it’s an ability every Christian has.  It is what unifies us as a body. Even though we have different talents, giftings, and even sin struggles... we all have one thing in common and that’s the ability to worship. We are equal in that area. Reason being, worship is based on relationship. I come so that you may have life more abundantly.... or For God so loved the world he gave his only son...whoever believes in him can have everlasting life.” God wants to have a relationship with every being he’s created. Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you..... Well if you know anything about being “known” in the Bible, it centers around intimacy, hence relationship, which brings me back to worship. The closer your relationship is with God, the better your ability to worship. So yeah. At the heart of everyone’s assignment in Christ, is worship. 

If when you go into the house of God, assemble yourself with the body for worship, or do anything for God’s glory; if you do everything that your assignment entails but don’t offer up sincere worship (whatever that looks like for you, just know it’s your relationship on display), you haven’t given God 100%.... you haven’t done everything you’re supposed to do in your assignment. I sing a lot... but that’s not why I was created... my singing is merely an avenue or tool he gave me to use in my worship. The number one priority for my vocal ability is not to entertain people or collect money. My number one use of the tool he gave me is to worship him. I’m to use my voice to show off my relationship with him and let it be known, God gave me this talent. And with this talent I’m going to “multiply” or use it in different ways to glorify him. The more I do that, my gift begins making room for me to do more, including meet my needs as long as I seek ye first the kingdom of God... then ALL things will be added unto me. What things are added? Whatever is going to increase you and make your time here on earth a better expression of relationship with him. Anyway, I’m starting to ramble so let me wrap it up. 

I gave that example of me singing, but the truth is, it applies to anyone and every ability or talent and skill we have. When we come together as “believers”, the way we show unity or demonstrate we are one body with different functions, is through our heart. You only have one and without it, your body doesn’t work. Yeah the brain is important and needed, but you can be brain dead and still be considered “alive”. However, if your heart dies, nothing else will function or work. 

I said all that to say, at the heart of every assignment is worship. How well you worship represents the health of your “heart” which is directly linked to your well being. You are a worshipper first before all else, so when you get caught up in “serving” and being busy in life or ministry and you start to get sidetracked and flustered by the logistics... get back to the heart of your assignment.

If you want eternal life, build perpetual worship.

Ridiculed and Unprotected.

You know why I’m most times reluctant about giving love a chance? Because somehow I think most people have created an version of who I am but lack the capacity to love who I really am. I am an empath when it comes to those I love, so a disappointment for you becomes a disappointment for me. What happens when I’m not what or who you think I am? So often the sobering reality of what we create in our heads is lackluster compared to our imagination.

“Be open”, “Don’t be so defensive”, “If you’re not open then you become the problem”…. and after a week of trying to do just that, everything within me is screaming “BUMP THAT! DON’T DO IT, J”. It’s cumbersome not knowing how people really see you. People don’t have a deep relationship with you but they gather so much based on “what they see” and there’s a real fear for me that they’re all wrong.

I should just tell everyone where they can place their kisses and walk away. Throw the towel in before I gain 30lbs and overwhelm myself in stress. You know I don’t think it’s a relationship with Jesus that’s stressful. I think assignments from him is where it becomes stressful because he’s like that professor we all hate. The one who gives you as assignment with no clear directions… and then with the vaugity of directions its up you to interpret and you are just praying God (go figure) that you do the assignment right. So yeah. That’s what God is like right now, and I’m not afraid of failing. That has never been my stumbling block. I’m afraid of disappointing people by discovering who I am. Another weighty question I have with people is, do you have patience?

Right now what my self care wants me to say is “Stop. Please don’t come any closer.” Some relationships need boundaries because the closer they get, the more they hurt and I’ve said it before but I’ll iterate again. I’m not ready to be open to hurt again. I don’t want to lose sight of who I’m serving. Approval is one hell of a threat and yet, Lord no matter what happens, don’t let me care about my relationships more than you. Please send clear signs that I’m doing what you ask and require of me. Now is not a time to be silent or busy on me. I’ll die if you don’t hold my hand and walk with me. I don’t want to rely on anything or anyone, I want my dependency to be on you. Please don’t disappoint me because I don’t live up to you. “Made in your image” is not “made to be you.” We were in a solid place last week and now I’m ready to tell you “I’m not with the shits”…. (and yes I have to say it that way because it adds color to the conversation). I’m really confused what the new guy wants from me.

Trust is so expensive and a heart is so fragile.

While the two should work well most times they’re like oil and water, they don’t mix. And I’m starting to feel like “this not gone work” so before we get too caught up in it, let’s reconsider. I never wanted to be great, famous, or known… and now I’m starting to regret wanting to be effective. Still at the heart, I just want to be loved, cared for, safe, and protected. All this extra is whatever. I’m needy and I feel like you’re not right next to me. I need to feel you at all times, since you’re everywhere at all times. I need to feel… and I don’t feel good things at all.

I want to feel good things.

Today, I actually heard the frustration, madness, and slight disappointment in his voice as if I’m not who he thought I was. As if I’m not who he thinks I am and that’s been difficult to process. All these thoughts, how deep is his patience for me before he throws me away? Isn’t that what King Henry did to most of his wives and “most humble servants”? Some beheaded, some cast away, and some just basic death. Nevertheless, what I wanted to say….

“I’m mad at you too and you getting on my nerves because you pissing me off. (Now that doesn’t even make sense ha, but it’s a real sentiment). Can’t you see I’m under a lot of freaking pressure trying not to disappoint you by being who I think God is calling me to be?! HAVE SOME FREAKING SYMPATHY. I love you a great deal and I’m trying but you haven’t exactly laid out the steps from A to Z on what to do and how to get us there. So, chill out a sec…. Ridiculed and Unprotected. Wow.”

I’m strecthed for the week, hashtag already over it. I still love you though and we gone be alright but at the same time, screw this.

The "Single Parent Insecurity"....

So, its been a minute but mind your business. I’ve been writing and will have so much to update you on soon. But… this one, I felt needed to be published. There are so many insecurities that come with having a baby outside of marriage when it doesn’t work out between yourself and the other parent. The number one thought I had in 2012, “J who’s gonna want you with a kid?” “Who’s gonna want your kid if his own father doesn’t?”… Those were my real sentiments. It’s a real insecurity and I dare to say other single parents develop the same fear. Maybe not the latter thought, but the one about who will want them with a kid is a UNIVERSAL thought at the very least.

It’s not that we don’t love our seeds because we do and it’s not that having kids is the worst thing ever, it’s just it’s a real responsibility and if there’s anything real adults shy away from… MORE RESPONSIBILITY. I say that because people who handle responsibility well understand the weight and pressure that comes with that. Responsibilties are sometimes taxing and so our fear, “our” being single parents, is “who in their right mind would want to take on the weight of a responsibility that is not their own?”….

So… we don’t do a lot of relationships. The single parents who parent well don’t do a lot of relationships. Reason being? When relationships don’t work out, it reinforces the insecurity. This is why I advise anyone who is trying to date or be in a relationship with a single parent, to really assess what you’re getting into and to approach him or her with their family being at the forefront. It’s not a “oh I wonder what it’s like being with a mom or dad”…. it’s not a fantasy or training ground to see if you have what it takes to be a parent… and I say this because when you walk away, the single parent is the one that has to deal with the damage. I’ll never forget a guy I dated early on in parenting after about 8 months told me he was dealing with the thought of “ I think I want my own kids” and “ if we never have kids in the long run, will he be enough for me?” and while I respected and understood his thoughts, it crushed me. I was young and inexperienced as a parent so that was…. heartbreaking. Needless to say, even with understanding sometimes it’s “understanding doesn’t mean progression.”

That is what happens when you leave a single parent relationship. You push the insecurity thorn deeper in their flesh. I personally have learned to put that thought at the back of my mind because, it’s really out of my control. I can’t control other people, I can’t control the paths my relationships take. I can only control the path I take and the decisions I make. Did I just go through a break up? No I didn’t lol. So don’t think this is a “oh she hurt” bc I’m not writing this for me. I’m writing this from experience to let others know where your headspace is is okay. I’m writing this to let them know that some of the darkest thoughts you think that scare you are okay…. you’re not wrong for thinking what or how you think. The issue comes in when you let those dark but honest thoughts control you. Insecurities are exposed so you can fix them or nuture them back to good health to the best of your ability.

Dating a single parent is not for the selfish.

"the other side of BLOCKED...."

I asked, “why not just unblock him? It’s a big day, maybe he’ll use this moment to subtly show you he’s still holding on to you too”. She said, “if I unblock him that means a few different things:

1. I open myself back up to something that may not have changed.

2. If I unblock him now it’s because somehow I hope he’ll reach out and if he doesn’t, I’ll be disappointed.

3. The block is my attempt to protect myself because I no longer trust I’m in good hands.

4. When I unblock his number, it’ll be as an act of forgiveness and release.

But the thing is, I’m not ready to forgive him yet because what if to forgive and release what I’m holding, means I let go of him this time. I think I cared so much and saw so much value in our connection that I needed something to keep me tied to him.

I don’t get to harbor positive feelings anymore, but I care about you so much that I’d settle for the negative ones if it means staying connected to you.

The details don’t always matter as long as they include him and sometimes people don’t forgive out of fear".

My theory?…. People don’t always hold on to grudges because they’re upset or hurt. Sometimes they hold on to what happened because it is all that’s left of a relationship they never wanted to end. To “let it go” would hurt more than being upset and angry.

The person just wants to be free to love** and their holding on to offenses, grudges, or any other negative feeling, is really just love in a last resort kind of way.

I have all of this inside and I need to express it but clearly love is not an option. So what else does love do? Sometimes it’s channeled elsewhere, best case scenario. Most times it’s forced to be displayed in a different and maybe not so healthy way. To unblock you is to forgive and release the affect you had on me.

But I’m almost ready to let you go.... it’s optimisitic to wish.  

**(Used loosely because it’s not in a "to have and to hold" kinda way)

ALEXA play "Daughters" by John Mayer.

You ever think about real stuff? Like, what would’ve happen if Jesus had not rose in 3 days? We’d just be waiting lol. What would we have done while we waited? Some people would probably say we’d be on our way to hell. But… there’s people like me. *Smile*. 

Hypothetically speaking, I have a few opinions. If he would not have… let’s just say the cup was too much for him. I think we would have some how kept going… we would’ve found a way to pick up the pieces. Truly, we would have never found redemption or salvation and we would have never found our way back to God…. BUT, I don’t think we (those of the same heart) would have stopped searching and believing. I also think we would have understood the decision behind not rising or dying for that matter. I think He purposefully placed certain people in their eras of life. I examine my life and I wonder everyday why we require people to set themselves on fire to A) keep us warm and B) prove their love for us. 

Real love is running to grab your shotgun because some boy broke her heart. But mutual love is her never asking you to pull the trigger because she’d never require you to sacrifice your life or assignment as her dad for that matter. 

On the other hand…. I imagine the depth of love Jesus had to have to follow through with his assignment. I wonder, did Jesus die and rise with us in mind or was it his love for the father that kept him going? Like, yeah Jesus loves us but… who did he love more? Do you ever wonder if Jesus’ motivation to accomplish his father’s will was the love he had for his father? Imagine that…. willing to sacrifice and experience all that agony for “love”. For confirmation of love… acceptance maybe…. I don’t really know. Everybody’s toxic. Lol. I’m addicted but… still. I could go so deeper with the questions I have but I think I’d rather just let it be. You can imagine why Jesus was the end all be all. No one since has had the capacity to love the way Jesus loves… 

“Why has thou forsaken me”…. That was in the final stage before he received rest followed by resurrection and power. If you’ve ever felt forsaken or I.E “let down” by your father, I imagine you’re amongst great company. I don’t think Jesus wanted God to do much in that moment other than hear him out…. I think Jesus wanted to be transparent with him and have it acknowledged that this shit is hard. Bear my pain, hold my hand, and walk me through it. I don’t want you to avenge me just don’t abandon me for these people… these very flawed, inconsistent, and I only follow you for what you can do for me people. At the very least, if I’m going to serve the people you love, the least you could do is hear me. 

SIDEBAR: Jesus had to know “lo I am with you always”. He had to know God would never leave, but (yeah ima go there because there’s no disrespect with it…) it was uncool that God was just expecting Jesus to know he was still riding for him. He went through all of that… lol you could’ve sent my man a thunder bolt in the sky or something to reassure he was still your first choice… or was he? ANYWAY. WE BACK.

Now let me close this out with something positive and up-lifting. That’s why you’re here. “Like lives depend on it”…. is a business owned by a lady named Trinity Anderson but it has so much weight. To do anything in excellence like lives depend on it, is to be like Jesus. Stepping away from my cynicism, I do believe (whether motivated by his heart or his Father’s), that Jesus decided to follow through with death and rising because he understood lives depended on it. Whatever your assignment is and when it becomes agonizing, struggle past it. There are lives that depend on you accomplishing your father’s will for your life. It’s so easy to be selfish and quit but to stay and struggle because of the love you have for others is Jesus. Toxic lol…. But Jesus. He’s so addictive. And also… 

Don’t make him have to die again. Live like his life depended on it. 

Jigsaws

I met this guy, you know... and he reminds me of you. Rather the you I would’ve gotten to know if you were available. Not gonna categorize it because was there any part of you that was available? I think I would’ve settled for that... or did I settle on it? (Nostalgic Colours). 

Either way... I think I’ve met two different versions of you. Each guy a little more positive than the last but it’s never quite you... the real you. I don’t go looking for you but every time I come across a reminder, there’s this doggy, ear-perk-like experience with my heart. As if Scooby Doo oorgh???? And I get uncomfortable because I don’t want you, but the fact there’s this interest anytime I come across “you”, makes me think there’s still pieces of you left in me... residue. 

Anyway. I met this guy. He has hidden art on the place I love so much... made me think of layers. We have layers.... really cool people. Mysteries, a story, depth. He could fit you know. I always wonder what you’re like on the other side of “unavailable” and sometimes I think God tries to answer my questions with these people.... he even stays where you stayed. Imagine the discomfort and nostalgia. Lol, I can’t wrap my heart around it. He even loves Jesus!!!!! He has one up on you... I don’t have to listen to that “god and energy talk.... he’s narrowed it down to Jesus... (but somehow, and I know God is behind the disconnect, but somehow I’d still rather listen to your god and energy talk. You give me something to believe for in my prayers. I still think you’re a walking miracle. Not to say you don’t believe in Jesus… just the details with you, didn’t matter to me, but maybe they should’ve.)

I was just a kid when Usher said “you remind me of a girl that I once knew” and the older I get, the more it makes sense. I get it. Not being able to be with someone that constantly reminds you what you could’ve had with someone else... I worry I’ll never be able to fully enjoy what he has to offer. How is it that a pure and available version of you still can’t compete with the asshole you? Jigsaw pieces that don’t fit. 

Nomadic Bubbles.

It’s a thing you know... being in a space of uncertainty within yourself when nothing external matches. It’s a real thing. Two things about it. 

One.... leave your bubble. Then when people and circumstances remind you you’re safer in your bubble, go back until you feel like coming out again. That’s your right. 

Two.... it’s easy to find yourself open to the manipulation of someone that could take what you have and create something better. Filter through that and pray to God what he has is what’s left standing.... then trust in him enough that no matter what mistakes are made or no matter what opportunities come, that he’s still controlling the strings and running the show. In my own little bubble, I’m open. 

Some people are made for opportunities to find them... and some are made to create their way to them. 

To Love Me, Is To Know Me...

Spent days of my life hearing “You’re vain” instead of “you’re beautiful”.... not realizing every day I struggled with what I saw because my identifier wrongly identified and the world wasn’t much consolation either. I understand now, it was the best they could offer because they weren’t accustomed to positive affirmations. Their love language wasn’t wrapped in pretty paper and decorated bows.

“I didn’t choose you for this because I thought you were arrogant” when really the level of excellence seen was passion that exudes it’s own level of confidence. After years of coach trying to deny the humility that was already present, the truth set us all free and we soared as a team. The thing is, humility accompanied by excellence isn’t what people want when they tell you to be humble. When the two are paired, if the person observing lacks excellence of their own, they’ll make their insecurity your arrogance.... The newest wave is “you gotta stop being addicted to accolades” instead of “I believe you can be who you want to be and do what you want to do..... there is no limit”. What is it with people trying to starve me of what I deserve?

To know me is to know, I don’t move with people in mind. I don’t live for “oh you’re this and you’re that....” because a lot of people can only give that. Compliments. They don’t carry you far because most words are empty... like a car with no gas and they darn sure don’t secure a bag. At the center is me and my happiness. The different accolades and accomplishments come from me digging to discover the pieces of me.... the “talents” if you will, that God predestined me. People who have not invested in getting to my core don’t understand what is at the center and that’s my heart. Why would their words be able to penetrate something they don’t possess? The numbers, the comments, the accomplishments.... I appreciate because I know there are people that wish for those very things.... I’d much rather have that one person who is able to pour something into me that can produce the level of effectiveness and purpose I desire.... or at least affirm what I’m constantly searching to find....

Waiting on someone whose DNA can speak into and identify with what’s inside of me. To love me, is to know me.

Lo-debar. Nostalgia. Genesis. (What's it like being a Christian?)

4:37…… these four walls SMELL like you. Every breath in…. nostalgia. Every exhale…. nausea. This window…. How wide the blinds extend…reminds me how open I was every time I’d lay on this bed. This bed…. if more so to the right of the room, I’d swear this was 2013. It doesn’t even really look like your room but in the dark is my present Lo-debar. I. Can. Not. Sleep. How many breaths do you think I’ve wasted tonight? 4:50….. the right hand of god, reach wayyyyy down…. Maybe a little “pick me up”… thinking if I’m drunk or high enough I’ll become so drowsy that I’ll pass out…. Stop girl. That’s not what you want… more nausea.

On one hand it’s nice to remember, on the other hand I’m aching in several places…. I’m tempted to unblock you and tell you, “I don’t miss you, but you’re in my body”. Layers of me. This is in no way, a soul tie. That’s been broken.

Yes there’s temptation but the slightest thought of sin is the carnal’s way of remedying.

Spiritually…. 40 days and 40 nights… joy comes with the morning light….. trouble don’t last always…. Present yourself as a living sacrifice…. Reasonable service… resist the devil and he will flee…. All of the above….. it’s a choice of spiritual maturity. Mentally, I AM sober and know I can wait it out. No more sleeping… just intentional meditation. Ever wanted to know what it’s like being a Christian. (Period because I don’t care if you’re wondering, I’m going to answer). Sometimes it is joy but everyday is a war. At first he fights for you and then after a while, you’re supposed to become “equipped” to fight your own battles with him being a strategy of war. 

I write and can feel the two of me battling. This must of been what it felt like in Genesis 25:22. Literally a side of me pressing against the other side…. The resistance and the overtaking. I wish I was making this up. Knowing if I lay down I’m giving it up. What’s it like being a Christian?…. This is only a moment. 5:09…. It’s almost time to get ready for church and someone’s up...

5:31….I made it. 

Pickled Ginger.

What’s something I want to accomplish that I haven’t been able to do? 

That’s a loaded question. I’ve been hiding under a rock lately and to be honest with you, that’s where I want to be for a while. Let’s see, people say the hardest year of a marriage is the second year.... or at least that’s what I’ve heard. I heard if you can survive year two you’re in it for the long haul. I don’t know how true that is but boy if project two hasn’t been rocky. I’ve been writing for yearssss.... like four going on five. Okay, maybe that’s not that long but in my almost 5 years, too many blog posts, even more unpublished journal entries, countless social media engagement, several journals, and two books. 

Who the hell am I to create such a powerful project and then decide “I’m done” after getting it all out? 

That’s where I am...In this really weird space. I think about the money I’ve invested, lost, made back, and have put back into running “With Love,  J. Sheppard”. I think about how many times I’ve had to “write it out”. I looked over all those tears, happy false moments, and epiphanies in my journals. And I’m laughing because you guys, I really feel like “quitting” and I use that word loosely because I’m not really “quitting” but I am looking at the bigger picture and it’s like “alright, you’ve had a great run and you’re at the top of your performance with this.... what’s next?” And nothing is coming. I look at the expenses, physical, emotional, and financial and the fact that I quit my job and I think “do I still want to be bothered with this financial commitment?” And not that I don’t have the money to keep it running, but just this avenue alone is enough for me to purchase a plane ticket to the west coast and maybe pay a utility bill.

What else is there for me to write about when it comes to “overcoming heartbreaks for your heart’s sake”? (In case you didn’t know, that was the initial purpose of all of this). I feel like I’ve been there and done it. I overcame (several times) and left a great piece of work to help you do it. Now what? I feel so aimless lol and I’m apologetic about it because, I feel like I’m disappointing y’all and if not y’all, maybe myself. I feel like Whitney is in the background singing “where do broken hearts go????” 

Ultimately, Im out of it guys. 2018 was a FABULOUS AND PRODUCTIVE year and we’ve had some realllllly great moments these last 5 years but as the visionary of all of this, I’m lost. What else is there for me to do with this? Becoming an author and writer was never something I wanted to do, it just sort of happened. Now that it’s happened, it can’t be undone. What else can I do? What do I write about now? Is this really who I’m supposed to focus on being or is there another area I need to pursue? What do I do next? (No freaking answers). 27 is creeping and I’m drawing blanks.

I look at everything I’ve accomplished and when it comes to the “list”, what’s something I want to accomplish that I haven’t been able to do? Love.

If it was happening, I think I would have a new perspective to write from. Like, I mean there are a lot of topics I could write on as far as heartbreak is concerned but guys, we’ve done that several times over, I mean come on. Definitely not trying to be stuck in that narrative for the rest of my life. I could tell y’all about the married guy that regrets letting me get away... I could tell you about the dating guy who is also having regrets... I could tell you about the one I sometimes worry I’ll never be able to exceed... hell I could tell you about the smug asshole who definitely didn’t deserve me and will be on the regret train sooner than later, or I could tell you about the guy who’s still a good friend but I worry I’d only entertain him because I’m lonely. But.... I’ve been there and expressed all of that at some point or another. I’ve encouraged, built up, and enhanced perspectives for a few individuals. For a while, this outlet has been my baby. What started off as a therapeutic relief and accountability partner has birthed into something really beautiful and dear to me.... but I worry if there’s anything more. 

I’ve never been good with “breaking up”, I usually stick around and force them to do it for me because I don’t like the notion of “giving up” on anything or anyone. So. Am I signing off? Shutting it down? Saying goodbye? Is this it for the writer side of J. Sheppard? It feels like it might be.

It's Not Going to Make Him Want You....

I stood in my closet and all of my clothes began talking to me. “Try me!” “You haven’t worn me in a minute” “He’s never seen me before” and after multiple trips to see what would be best, my mirror came strong and subtle.

“It doesn’t matter what you wear, it’s not going to make him want you”.

Isn’t that something? Your mirror is perhaps the most honest thing in your house and in my house, it isn’t just some ten dollar, dorm style, Walmart mirror. Like every other relationship in my life, I’ve invested in it. I wanted something that would reflect all of me…. And unlike the relationships I’ve ended, this one is made for all of me, both the good and bad.

When I heard it, “it doesn’t matter what you wear… it’s not going to make him want you”, I thought it’s the truth. It didn’t shake me initially…. It was a hard pill to swallow but I didn’t realize how hard it hit until 2 hours later while I was standing in my closet still trying to find something to wear that screamed “I’m a great choice and too good for your stupid ass”. (I’m not that vain but when you’re afflicted… you feel the need to put your best foot forward so the affliction isn’t so noticeable.)

Anyway. In my closet for the 50th time in three hours, it hit. Anxiety… attacked. I was calmly flustered and quietly crying. Truth be told, everything I tried on would’ve worked but nothing seemed to be good enough in the mirror. The betrayal lol. The hurt, the bruised feelings, the time wasted in creating something that was “right” only to end up with it not working… I’m still talking about the outfit, but relationships as well.

It wasn’t about us not working out or the other girl he swears wasn’t a factor but it is about how I was handled and it has everything to do with what he represents. It’s always about that and that’s what stings. How you’re handled and what it means. The way I was handled is irrelevant detail wise. All you need to know is that it was VERYYYYYYYYY disheartening and I felt he handled me as if I was common. In regards to what it means? It means he’s not it and for the tired heart, that fact is always disappointing. Not only is he not it, you’re back at square one and have to start over the process of building “the one”. Not building the one as in the right person, but the one as in building the relationship with the right one. Dating at 26 is draining.

So…. Yeah. I’m back. “Overcoming My Breakup”…

I released a new book. Grab your copy if you haven’t already. *Face palm*