With Love, J. Sheppard

not in my right mind.

jelina sheppardComment

I think sometimes you know when you’re not in your right mind. When you’re in tune, you just know. You know because some of the thoughts you think are creatively outlandish. You know you’re out of it when you start feeling things like, I can do more than what I see around me. When you adopt the thought of “I don’t live under the same restrictions everyone else does”…. Better yet when you make a decision to not live under the same restrictions everyone else does. 

Is this it? Is this the beginning of me losing my mind?

Is there a brain tumor pressing against my cranium impacting the portion that controls my decisions? Shoutout to Shepherd in Seattle Washington.

jump. Jump. JUMP. If I could accurately describe it, I’m on the edge of a building looking down… it’s a long way down and at the bottom could very well be a death, worst case scenario. But! What if I jump and we fly? Best case scenario. I did the calculations and the probability of landing somewhere in between are pretty high…. So reasoning says go for it. 

Can I tell you I’m not concerned about dying. I mean, if I die I die… somehow the possibility of flying makes taking the jump seem worth it. Actually, I am scared to die but… in the end I’ll always have a home so, if I die at least I can say I was trusting the whole way through. Not halfway either… anyone that knows me knows, if I’m going to do something, why not go all out. If I’m going to exhaust myself in trusting, trust all the way. 

If I’m unhappy, I have the right to do whatever to be happy…. Understanding that I need to be realistic as well. And I think I am. I’m on the edge.

I’m not in my right mind. I’m scared. I’m risking. I’m ready to trust because I’m tired of doing it on my own. Spinning and I think I’m losing it… somehow it feels…. right. 

“Damn J, you’re losing your fucking mind…” 

Possibly, but it’s exhilarating. I am crazy. I’ve heard it before and maybe those people were right. Crazy enough to think I don’t have to live fearfully like most. I got more than enough time to get back under societal control. For now, let’s just see where He takes us. 

I’m not in my right mind…

I Wanted To Call

jelina sheppardComment

I’m not nosy… like I promise. (If this was a face to face, we’d both be laughing right now.) 

But yeah… I’m not nosy. However, if I miss you, I go looking for you. Sooo, I looked….. and I saw it. Why didn’t you tell me? Then again, why would you tell me? I mean, it is me but on the other hand I’m just me, so I guess I could understand why that wasn’t one of the talking points per our last conversation. 

I want to call you. That’s not our norm but in this moment it feels right. It’s almost like if I call you, I’ll hear that you sound well and I won’t feel like a jerk for not staying in place…or accessible rather. This time, I moved. You left and I moved not caring if you found me again. I feel a little selfish… and I shouldn't but I do. People go through real things that they aren’t always vocal about. Not that I dismissed that in deciding how to respond, but I never took my feelings into consideration which is why I always stayed put. I think this last time, I had enough and I moved. 

You had life happen and not that I was naive to that, but I was clueless on that missing piece of information. I want to call you. I wanna hear your thoughts again and this time not feel like I’m missing anything. I listened to you the last time we talked. You sounded out of this world almost and not in a bad way, just celestial-like. It was refreshing as always, but now I want to talk to you again. Knowing what I know today, I want to pick up on it… the allusions you gave without mentioning the experience you encountered. 

I won’t pretend to know you well enough to feel at ease about how you processed and are still processing. Putting how I felt and how you reacted to the side, I want to call you. Why does it have the ability to hide at the back of mind how you’re doing? How are you processing? How are you emotionally? Are you happy? How’s life? Should I be worried? What do you need? It could be embarrassing but you're still human and we're all flawed... 

It’s not that serious though right? It’s a contained case of Mac Miller G Wagon. Still…. I want to call you. I don’t want to miss a moment to be there for you and you can’t find me. Talk about a double standard. 

So why don’t I call you? Pride… embarrassment… bruised feelings… stubbornness… feeling a lack of choice yet again to whether or not I should considering your last response, when you forced me to move. There are a lot of reasons I shouldn’t and only one reason I would… 

I thought about you today and I wanted to call. I pray that everything works out your way. You always said life has a way of working itself out and I’m sure with this experience that’ll hold true. Still, it’s hard not to worry about you… 

I wanted to call but I just prayed instead.

Moving On. Moving Forward. Residue.

jelina sheppardComment

He knew I was upset, and maybe he just assumed I was upset with him… which wasn't true. I was upset with myself honestly. Mad because I wasn’t over him and it showed. You know when you spend time working on something and it doesn’t yield the outcome you thought it would, you get a little tight. I thought I was really doing the work. Does it not count if it’s not what you want to do? Like, blocking numbers, deleting text threads, not entertaining BS conversations, and anything else that falls under “moving on”….

Do those things not yield the desired result of moving on if in your heart initially, that was never what you wanted to do?

You’ve seen it happen so many times. You know people that go months without talking to someone and then out of the blue, they run into them or have a conversation and they’re forced to see that there is still something there. I call it residue. So again, does the work you’ve invested not yield the desired result of moving on if it was never your decision to do so? 

I’m convinced (because I’ve experienced it enough for myself to know how it works for me), if you don’t want to move on, taking the necessary steps to do so, is not going to put you where you want to be. You’ll be moving but “on” is not where you’ll end up. It’ll be more like move to the left, move to the right, move diagonally, heck maybe even move forward. But, forward and on, I’m learning are two different locations. 

You can move forward to a new person, but still be entertaining your “ex” in the most simplest ways… but when you’ve moved on, there’s no reason to entertain them. You’re not having those conversations filled with emotional psychodrama. (Yes, I used it figuratively. You know those conversations, the ones that are filled with emotions, you might seem a little psycho, and before you know it, you two are going back and forth creating drama.)

 I’ve moved on from people and literally, we don’t talk. If we do, it’s brief and random. So… a lot of people move forward. Forward from what happened, but

When you go forward it leaves a path you can always go back to.

I think that was the break through line I was hoping would come as I wrote this. We move forward but have you ever noticed how we’re still able to revisit some old situations and wounds when triggered by something? 

Moving on is different. It’s not a direction… maybe it’s more so a state of being. When you move on, what’s the other way you can go? Off? Yeah I’ve tried that too, but it usually doesn’t end well. If you’re going off that means you still care, which means you haven’t moved on. So. Yeah.

Does the work you’ve invested not yield the desired result of moving on if within your heart it was never your decision to do so?

Imprint. Organ Transplant. Sex...

jelina sheppardComment

Have you ever known someone that needed a heart transplant and when the time came for them to get the new heart, their body rejected it? Even if the transplant was good for some time, a year or two later, it gave out again? With all the compatibility tests checking out and the heart being in good condition, the body can still reject it. That has to be one of the most disappointing things ever to happen in life. I’m unsure how rare that is, but I know it happens enough. The heart can actually be a perfect fit or a perfect match, and for some undiscovered reason, the body can still reject it. 

When the body rejects the organ, what happens? Some people die. Some people continue living in the state that they’re in, never reaching full health, waiting for another heart. J, why are we talking about heart transplants? Well… heart wise I think I’m okay, but there’s something I’ve discovered about myself. I’m gonna shift and when I’m done, it’ll all come together. 

Sex. Ever had it? If you have then you know how enjoyable it can be. That is what sin is designed to be. Enjoyable. Well, in the past, I’ve fornicated. (It’s 2018, who hasn’t right?) That’s not the point. I was dealing in sin, fornicating, and while Brian Mcknight had more reasons than I had bodies, it only took one to jack mine up. In contrasting my thoughts and feelings, I realized I want to connect with the right one. I look forward to dating someone new, communicating with someone new, praying with someone new, trips, family meetings, LOVING… everything you can think of, I’m looking forward to doing it. 

However, there is one area that I don’t want to explore and that’s the sexual. I came to the understanding that I don’t want to be intimate with someone new. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t want to. Lol… Does that make sense? It's like, I would like to, but at the heart of the matter, I don’t really want to and if I had a choice, I wouldn’t. Thinking about having to be sexually intimate with someone else, makes me sad, agitated, nervous, anxious, and extremely disappointed. 

You’re probably thinking when you meet someone new J, it’ll come and with the right one, you’ll be ready. Yeah, well maybe you’re wrong. I know physically I can make myself do it, maybe I’ll even enjoy it, but I don’t want to. I wish I didn’t have to. I used to know one guy that was right enough in that area and honestly, I don’t want to have to experience anyone else other than him. (I told you this was gonna be bad.)

When sin is done right and executed the way it’s supposed to be, the lasting affects are hard to break free of. So yeah, I’ve been on this journey of no sex for the past few years but…. Am I holding out for the right one? Sure. Have I been successful because it’s easy? No. I’ve been able to hold out because truthfully,

I haven't wanted anyone else other than him.

My body doesn’t want anyone sexually but him. I think that and LOTS of prayer, have been the reason I’ve been able to hold out for so long. He and I are okay even though we've disconnected; but the last time we saw each other and caught up on life, I remembered the imprint he left on me. He isn't the only person I’ve been with in life, but he’s the only imprint. My skin, my body, my mind… just about every piece of me, he’s imprinted. I wouldn't be surprised if in the DNA registry, when you pull up my finger print, his face pops up. I could be sensitive because I’m hormonal this week, but I’m almost sure if we were in a place, where we could at the very least see each other…. letting go all control, we’d know each other once more. 

That’s where I got screwed by sin, both literally and figuratively. I gambled with fornication because I didn’t understand the principle behind God telling me not to. Now that I understand why we should wait, I do wonder if it’s too late. (Of course not, God can fix anything but still…) I can have a perfectly good heart waiting to love me and give me everything I’ve ever wanted, and because of that one piece that’s unyielding, I could unknowingly reject him. 

I don’t even view men the same. I see them but in a way that doesn’t arouse me… like mentally uninterested. NO I’M NOT INTO WOMEN AT ALL, but just men… they lack something to make me sincerely interested. I can be interested for a minute, but not seriously to the point where I’ll consider “promise”. At first I thought, maybe God is just shifting my focus and I’m not interested because there’s something else I need to be doing, instead of considering a relationship, but now I’m not so sure. 

Could sin have done me so well, that even though I’ve been forgiven and have repented, I still carry his imprint?

Surely there is someone out there that will touch me in a way that makes what I’ve known obsolete, but… my body doesn’t want to be touched unless its's being touched by him. A lot of the time I don't like being touched in any way by any one, unless they carry something I need or if they feel safe. Isn’t that completely crazy? 

But it’s real. I don’t want to have to “know” someone else. I don’t even want to “know” him, because that part of my life, I feel has been transformed. I don’t necessarily long for him, but at the same time… if I have to be known again… I don’t want to be known by anyone else. I don't want to have to make that exchange again… 

You can never really gage the consequences of your sin. I used to consider as much as I could... the outcomes, possible consequences and scenarios and I would try to consider if I could handle it, but never would I have imagined this one. I’m happy to have acknowledged it before making it to the top of the transplant list, but… how do I fix it? With time having passed since we last knew one another, how do I become completely open and ready for the new heart that I’m waiting for? Here it is I thought my promise was out here wilding…. but maybe I’m the hold up. Maybe the Doctor knows that when he brings this new heart to the table and attempts to make this merger, that my body won’t be able to fully accept it. It’s crazy to wonder if you’re the reason your promise is on hold.  

"Don't Change, Squirrel..."

jelina sheppardComment

I don’t understand why we feel the need to compromise ourselves for love, when the ideal love allows us to be loved as we are… or at least I thought. 

Perhaps a lot of people have been doing it wrong. By it, I mean relationships built on love. I don’t for one moment, think people stay the same in a relationship. I do believe they should become better and the love you have for them should grow as they grow. The right love inspires growth. 

How is it possible that people grow apart? My theory is that they don’t. I could be wrong, but I can’t think of anything that grows apart…. Not even in nature. (Then again, I’m not that smart to just know everything). However, if you’re growing, everything grows collectively. My arm didn’t grow apart from my body, it grew with my body. My thoughts are, if it grows separately (to justify growing apart), it was never together to begin with… (that’s a whole new bag of burritos under the hood). 

When people say “oh we grew apart”, what that means to me is, neither of you knew who the other person was and never envisioned who the other would become. If the person you’re with after a certain amount of time, doesn’t do the things they once did before you got together, my belief is that you never knew who they truly were to begin with. Chances are they compromised who they were to have you. 

For example, a woman that cooked for her man while they were dating but after being married for some time, rarely cooks at all… that’s because she was never really a cooker. She only did that because that’s what the man liked and she wanted to “bag” him. Cooking was not apart of her character. Consider a man that talks to a woman all day while he’s courting her, or takes her out on dates while they’re dating but doesn’t do any of that after they’ve said “I do”…. It’s not that they’ve gotten comfortable, it is that the person they presented in the trial stages was not who they really were. (Again, this is my theory.) 

The flip side is why do we feel the need to present the “best version” of ourselves or what we feel the other person wants, knowing that’s not what they deserve? They don’t deserve a presentation. They don’t deserve what we think they want. They deserve the real us because that is the best person we’ve committed to being at that stage of our lives. They deserve the truth FROM JUMP.

The real “us” is what a person needs and as a result, sometimes the real us isn’t what the other person wants.

We owe people the chance to make that decision for themselves with all the cards on the table. We need to be okay with people not wanting us once they get to know us. At least you aren’t robbing someone of the best years of their life.

No one wants to feel like they’ve wasted their investment on someone that was never going to produce the product of relationship they were looking for.

I’m getting to the place where I’ve decided I don’t like to cook. I can cook very well, but I don’t want to so I don’t. I get no enjoyment being in the kitchen for reasons the person I’ll end up with will be privy to know. I’ve been that person that cooked and prepared some banging meals only for the boy to go be with someone else at the end of the day. So at 26, now I’m like, I might as well just be me. Someone will vibe with it, and if they don’t at least I’m not stuck in a relationship being someone I’m not. I imagine that’s exhausting. 

Just be yourself… but in order to be yourself, you have to do the work to really know yourself. Know who you are and don’t compromise that relationship for the sake of a relationship with someone else. Trust me, it’s not worth it in the long run. You just end up unhappy… or settling, forcing yourself to be content. 

I don’t understand why we feel the need to compromise ourselves for love, when the ideal love allows us to be loved as we are… or at least I thought. 

*cues "Hello" by Erykah Badu*....

The Fear of Being "Needy"...

jelina sheppardComment

I’m not at all needy. I’ve never been the “I need this, and I want that… come do this…” type. I’m not one to blow your phone up when I really want or need to see you. I’m not the one to demand or even ask you to drop everything when something is wrong…. or not wrong. Maybe “demanding” is the word I’m looking for. I’m not that either, but sometimes I wish I could be. 

I wish I had the opportunity to be needy at times. It’s hard always being the strong one, because when you’re strong, people forget to every now and then avail themselves to you. I don’t know what it’s like to be demanding, but

 I can tell you how disheartening it is to always be “accommodating”. 

That’s me. "Accommodating Jill". I do consider this to be a character flaw for me. In all my intimate relationships I’ve been the accommodating one which is why I’ve never ONCE had what I really wanted. I grew up being accommodating because my lifestyle and family dynamic required it (Church brat). My first example in life was to be accommodating in every way possible. Now I’m 26 and I want to experience a relationship of some form (not limited to an intimate one) where I have the freedom to be needy or demanding at times. There's a strong chance I won't be needy even when it’s okay, but to know I have the freedom or choice, and when I take the opportunity I won’t be rejected is dire for me. 

I want to know what it’s like to have someone drop everything just to make sure I’m okay. A list full of things to do but they’ll automatically move me to the top because to accommodate me is important to them. Now because I’m not needy and demanding, the need to be accommodated is few and far between… but I want to be right now. Per usual I’ll do without it, but I wish someone would just make the world stop to avail themselves to me. Truth is, I do need emotional support, affirmation, attention, “I’m proud of you”, “I want to know what’s happening in this area, the good and the bad”. 

Ultimately, I want to be a Priority….

I want to know what that feels like from the other side. I’ve noticed being a priority is also a learned behavior. Self love is where you learn how to be treated by the way you treat yourself. (Invasive questions that I can’t answer: Why do I wish I had this opportunity with a male? Why is this where it matters to me? What do men offer that makes being a priority so important?)

I know I possess the vulnerability to be needy, but I need the relationship where it’s okay to exhibit that type of vulnerability. I hate that I feel like I don’t have that, when the truth is, I do. (Shoutout to Auntie). 

However, the other side to this self transparency is knowing what distraction to watch for. Knowing what I need and want in this moment, I have to be extra discerning and vigilant for individuals that will come and play on this insecurity. When you notice your weak areas, be accountable and strategize proactivity. Weak days are necessary to build your endurance and strength… 

Still. I just need to be needy for a sec. Why haven't you noticed that? 

Perfectly Imperfect...

jelina sheppardComment

"You look so beautiful.... your smile is perfect”. Six twenty-three and you can finally see the light. He was right, it was beautiful the way the light hit the waves while simultaneously enhancing the shadow of his beard. Looking over the balcony with the city on one side and an ocean view on the other. It was peaceful and imperfectly perfect... just like a scene out of a movie. Nicholas Sparks himself couldn’t create my realities.

Two smiles laughing, respectful and pure embraces, light conversation highlighted in blush... He had it. Extremely sweet and adoring, tall and handsome. Just right for a surface interaction. He even complimented my curls and the softness of their coils. I laughed nervously praying he didn’t pull it off while running his finger through my hair. He could tell though, he hit a tangle in the curls and I panicked to shift her back to perfection.

We laughed some more, we talked some more, we misunderstood languages and then comprehended some more. His language was fluent enough... where it mattered. I mean, dreamy and kind. That’s the thing you should want right? Still, in a crowded room, I’d find a way to chose something else. Why? I have no clue.

Maybe mature adults understand surface interactions aren’t enough. They’re nice for the moment but fleeting. That type of adoration is flattering but, it’s not enough... at least not for me. Do I want someone to adore me? Worship the ground I walk on? A willing heart to watch the sunrise with me because it’s what I want, not pushing for anything in return?

Do I want a sweet someone or was I subconsciously wishing a certain someone could’ve been sweet?

The point is, romance is a heavily sedative art. Definitely one I can always appreciate but it isn’t holistically it. I’ll need more of it, more often than not but I’m preferring it in balance. I want what I want and I know what that is... still imperfectly perfect wasn’t it. (That’s what we’ll call this). I don’t want imperfectly perfect moments with someone sweet. I want perfectly imperfect moments with someone who balances me.

But, thank you imperfectly perfect for a movie scene romance. However, you can’t be the right fit for this role. I wonder if in the end love will play out like a final fantasy...

The Girlfriend Gene

jelina sheppardComment

The girlfriend gene, is it a thing we lack or is it that we’re trying to infuse ourselves with the wrong people? 

Blood type O is compatible with every blood type. I’m type O but… I rarely gel with a lot of men out here. It’s weird. Somedays I get vulnerable you know. I take a break from my superhuman complex, and I experience what I consider a “weak” day. Today’s been pretty awesome so don’t ask me why after a great day, I’m letting this question boggle me, but we’re here now so let’s write it out.

Some women just got it… the girlfriend gene. (Laughing) I know women who’ve rarely been single and not that that’s a good thing but its a thing you know? It’s like every 15, another man came… heck, probably my man too. If you happen to see him, send him my way. I’m tired of waiting on him. But we've all seen these women. It's the woman you see with her boyfriend on those instagram pictures... the one that makes you think "aww I could do that if....".

Her... the girl that ended up with the guy you wanted because of the way the universe is set up.

(ouchhhhhhuhhhhhhhhh, ugh. I'm mad lol) 

Then I know other women who’ve never had a healthy relationship… in our 20s/30s and no not one. It’s weird. I can definitely say it’s not about looks because… well I’m not gonna go into that because you know. You see the world just like I do. It has nothing to do with goals, ambition, socioeconomic status, appearance, mindsets, environment… none of those things matter because it’s an array of people experiencing relationships and whatnot. So what is it? 

Is it a gene God forgot to put in the pot when creating this particular group of individuals? It’s inevitable to ask yourself why am I never the girlfriend when you never get to be the girlfriend. I mean, logically speaking, you’re probably missing out on a level of stress you’re not really ready to commit to, but humanely speaking, I understand. 

It’s not about the “boyfriend”… They’re aggravating. It’s about the person you want to share life with. The person you want to hide behind after a long day. The arms you want to fall in when everything and everyone has drained you of your energy. When you’re weak, another set of arms to be your strength… I get it. 

I’m sure my deep readers are thinking “J, why aren’t you telling your readers to lean on the everlasting arms of Jesus, he sticks closer than a brother, he’s everything you need…” 

OH GIVE ME A BREAK JAN. We don’t want to hear that right now. He is more than enough, but he hasn’t manifested himself in human form and right now darn it, we want a human. Some warmth. Some tangibility. Jesus. I got him… for real for real. I’ve literally been with him all day. Sunrise 630 am to Night time 11:06 pm. So… yeah we’re good in that area today. It’s about balance. Anyway… for my honest hearts, I get it. 

Maybe it’s not that other women have something we lack, maybe it’s really the people we want to play a role aren’t compatible for the position and God is our human resource department screening out applicants that don’t fit the description he has for our lives. (If that doesn’t comfort you, I totally understand because it didn’t comfort me either but I’m just saying, it could be an explanation.)

Which would you rather cling to? “I’m lacking something within” or “The people I want just aren’t a true fit”? It’s one of those half empty half full mindsets. Either way… I just wish I wasn’t so exposed internally to even consider the thought. 

The girlfriend gene, is it a thing I lack or is it that I’ve tried to connect my type with others that aren’t compatible? 

Patience.

jelina sheppardComment

You keep me patient. This isn’t a thing. We won’t spend the rest of our lives drinking whisky on a Friday night. You won’t hold my hand or hold me for that matter. You won’t kiss me goodnight and stroke my face to say good morning. We won’t do I do, but, you’ll keep me patient. You’ll be the reason I won’t settle, and if for some reason I do, you’ll prolong me. Doses of you will keep the impatient, “I want my person” moments medicated. You’ll keep me sober for now and perhaps that's better than any man who’ll come along to make me feel drunk in love. My feet don’t leave the ground for you. You keep me logical. You keep me from reaching, unless it’s to reach for you. 

One day, I do want to know how it feels to fly, but for now, keeping the fear of settling too soon eased is bringing me some kind of peace. Is it real peace? I’m not sure, but it’s calming. Doses of you tie me over until it’s time to do love for real. I can climb a little higher and work a little longer. The reality of you keeps me focused. I truly believe the man I’m working towards will appreciate you for keeping me company and keeping me patient while I wait for him. You’re such a stand up guy, coddling me until he comes. 

Sunday Evening

jelina sheppardComment

Sunday evenings are the reminders that you have to go back to work; to the job you hopefully love and could possibly retire with. Sunday evenings are the subtle anxieties you feel in your chest because you don’t want the fun times to end…but you know they must. Sunday evenings are like this oeuvre, brief but filled with underlying and implicit themes. Sunday evenings are for vaulted memories.

They’re for recapping 3 am conversations about time together and time apart, but not completely fulfilling because time well spent is never enough

Sunday evenings are for remembering the shots thrown and taken, for the “did I really just say I missed you? WTH are you thinking J?”, for the sarcasm and battle scars. They’re for ventures never wasted, often appreciated, and yielding.

Sunday evenings when given to lifelong learners, build courage to leave no words left unsaid. After enough Sunday evenings, you learn that time is indeed limited and to seize the moment. Hold on for as long as he’ll allow, because weekly responsibilities sometimes turn into years of unaccountability, which reluctantly becomes accepted and pardoned as adulting. Sunday evenings result in the closure of moments to rest, recharge, and live, but they always come back around. Sunday evenings never quite end. They’re bittersweet but something you always look forward to… He's dangerous. 

Give Me the Choice and Opportunity

jelina sheppardComment

Choices and opportunities are two things I don’t take for granted and I appreciate the moments and individuals who offer them to me. Eyesight for me at this point is very observational, almost as if I’m doing research. I think both unintentionally and calculating, I’m gathering ideas and perspectives on what I want in regards to different things. Clearly, this blog has a primary focus so I suppose I’ll start there.

Different people appeal to different layers of me. I have a layer that’s very whimsical, a layer that’s romantic, a layer that’s EXTREMELY objective, while most times I’m very optimistic despite the facts. I have a layer that’s quiet and reserved, a layer that’s outgoing and vibrant, a layer that’s very much in my head…. Anyway. Layers. Complex but not complicated. Simplistic in a lot of ways.

Back to choice…. I’ve seen different things. Some up close, others, vicarious accounts. A previous relationship tried to convince me “J, you want me to fit this story you’ve written in your head… you don’t really want me” and to this day, I can’t fully deny that wasn’t partially true. However, the story I had in my head was amazing. I’m a writer with a vivid imagination, so had he taken the time, he would’ve been flattered I depicted him to be more than what he was.

I want someone (not today but maybe this time next week) that will grow in love with me. Someone that is open to finding our rhythm. If there’s anything I’ve learned this year especially, sometimes I do have to let go of my idea and expectations of a thing and be open so that I’m able to embrace the experience of what I'm getting. Life really doesn’t play out the way you want most times. The way to remain appreciative? Stay open to whatever.

While I’m open to this thing called love, I know I want to find what works for me. I have my ideas about what practices I want to incorporate in my relationship and one day marriage, and I won’t share because they’re unorthodox to say the least, but for my personality I think they’ll work.

Ultimately, I just want the opportunity.

I am a sucker for a true love story and imaginatively thinking, who wouldn’t want that right? But back to that objective, honest, and sometimes fickled layer of me, maybe I don't have to have all that fairy tale love stuff, I don't even know if I want it... I think I'd just like to have the option... the option to have it if it becomes what I want. That’s where past loves have gone wrong. They never take the time with honest intentions to ask me what I want. They just automatically think a societal love fantasy is what I’m requiring because I’m female and because I’m writer. Realistically speaking, just listen and compromise (as will I) so we can find our rhythm and what works for us. A fairytale love story is whatever makes us happy and works for me and my lover.

I want someone that will open my eyes, mind, and heart to new opportunities. I’m bored.  

"Potential"

jelina sheppardComment

“I think that’s the thing, I don’t want to have to wait on a man”. That’s a strong thought in my mind today. I’m at this place…. an agitated one at that. We, women, are always waiting on a man. Waiting for them to love us, waiting for them to have time, waiting for them to truly “listen” to us, waiting for them to follow through, waiting, waiting, waiting.

I’ve invested my time in waiting… I’m starting to think all you can do with a man is wait. (I’m being cynical this morning, let me have my moment of fear). But no seriously, I took a step back and saw that we are all waiting. Some of us are waiting productively, while others are waiting stifled. I’ve found myself on both ends of the spectrum at different times.

As I analyzed different relationships of mine, even spiritually, I’m waiting. Waiting for God with so many different things and I’m now agitated as I wait. Is there anything else I can do besides wait on a male-related person? It’s inevitable. I’m starting to think God was strategic in creating women, and it’s an unspoken commandment: Thou woman shall wait on man. I’m not knocking it, just ugh. A sister is tired of waiting on a man.

SWITCH.

I’ve waited so much and waited very well that I understand I don’t want to wait any longer. She, her, I am tired. "I want what I want when I want it”. It sounds bad, but at the heart of the statement are good and watered seeds. I have labored and gone without long enough that I now want the seeds I’ve planted to harvest.

"I want what I want, when I want it." 

I think I deserve that. Not in a self-centered way, but in an “I’m a good investment” kind of way.

So with you, I found myself waiting. Unintentionally but yet again waiting. Anxiety is high. Are you worth the wait? Do I even wanna wait? Why am I waiting?

Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Before you get mad or upset about something, you usually have a moment of fear and when you become frightened, you get upset as a reaction because you don't want to be scared and that’s what this agitation is, fear.

My tribe knows more than I do, and it’s almost like the proposal you suspect is coming from your man but you have no clue when he’s going to execute. You haven’t even stepped to me yet and you’re already getting on my nerves without trying. You know what that’s called?

Potential.

You have real potential and I’m trying to brace myself. I’m agitated. Waiting is for the birds and it’s looking like I’m an eagle, smh.

What is "Young"

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Malcontented and I wish I could crawl under my covers and hide. For whatever reason, when we hid under the covers we always thought we had a found a safe place. I don’t want any human interaction when in fact that’s all I want on a day like today. I’m surrounded by men and while the normal single woman would be flattered, I just want to get away from the whole male species. I want them all to vanish for a few days lol.

They’re either unattractive, unproductive, or the real challenge as of lately, younger, attractive, 20-somethings that believe they’re truly interested. That’s the real issue for me today. I want to get away from these younger 20 somethings that look one way, but age wise they might be another. Question of the day,

How young is to young?

For a 26 year old woman whose intention is to get more mature, older, and wiser, how young is to young? I’ve never had to deal with being approached by a guy younger than me and wanting to entertain it.

Is it because the weather’s breaking? It’s looking like it’s going to be a really nice season for a summer fling. That’s the word in my head. FLING. When I think of a younger individual, all I think they can offer me is a fling. I made the decision a few weeks ago I was done accepting love applications for a little while. I’m unsure when I’ll be open, but after being single for some time, I’m in a good place and I want it to last as long as it can. Mentally and emotionally, I’m happy lol. No crying and overthinking… just chilling.

Now physically?????? I’M DYING!!!! GASPING FOR AIR!!!!!!! ON LIFEEEEEE SUPPORTTTT, PREPARE THE FUNERAL ARRANGMENTS because I don’t know how much longer Vagina’s gonna make it. Not even just that, the female body needs interaction. Hugs, kisses, hand holding, spooning, laughter, heightened serotonin levels. The physical me is lacking (laughing at this moment but it’s almost borderline crying for help). YALL. I just want to HIDE behind a freaking rock. I want to go away and be on a planet by myself for a few days. I truly need to get away. I need to stay focused. No matter what direction I turn my head, there is a male of some format in sight but it’s not my man and, I’m just bothered. I don’t wanna see yall. Get out my view. Leave me alone.

Back to the question, in terms of 20s and up, how young is too young? I think part of the reason I’m afraid to date a younger man, is because what if I like him? Lol. What do I do then? At least, if he’s older than me then… if it doesn’t work okay… I’m prepared for that. It’s socially acceptable to have an older mind have your mind gone, but if I start entertaining these younger men and I meet one I like… what will it look like to have my head gone by a “young boy” lol. No offense to the younger men reading this post. I guess I just need to see a younger male that interacts and shows me that he truly is a grown man. I just…. Don’t know. I mean, how mature can you truly be if you’re younger than me? (serious question and I’m open to a real answer)

 I wanna go hide under my covers and be by myself because the weather’s breaking and things are pullin. What in the world is wrong with me? 

Ode to Matt Jones

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A little after 3 this morning, I prayed for you. I prayed that you wouldn’t lose heart going after your dreams. That your faith would remain constant and if there was any decrease that he would give you back your strength to believe. That you would remember his promise to give you that specific desire in your heart so not to worry. I didn’t pray for us to be one, I just prayed that everything you were believing him for would come to pass. You’re so perfect in your love for him that it’s hard to be selfish when thinking about you. Never about me, but just that you get to have the life you were destined to live.

When their heart is pure for Jesus, it reminds you of what you should desire in a friend...

I'm not interested in the man himself, but moreso intrigued by the heart. I wonder if God replicates those. 
 

The Archives (Clarity)

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The records of our lives in the 21st century are easily discoverable. “Archives”… a collection of records providing information about a place, institution, or group of people. The first meeting was intellectually stimulating to say the least. I’m reminded it was right before thanksgiving break, and I won’t give much detail but it was one of the days I’ll never forget. Perhaps because knowing you was exciting for me.

At a time a lot of me had died, you popped up during lunch and brought life back into that smile of mine.

Fast forward… casual friends… first encounter… death…. misunderstandings…rectification…rehabilitation... pure laughter and fun during it all. 

Anyway, tonight I found your archives I honestly don’t know what happened. I was exploring my founders and somehow I stumbled into your history. I’m not surprised because going into this I knew you two would forever be related, but I searched… from day one up to yesterday. Initially, it was to learn something new that I didn’t know before meeting you, but then I began to search for myself. (That selfish side of me, I have you to thank). Years into the archive, I was digging, looking for any trace of me. Anything I inspired, any emotion or memory I produced, any song, any picture, any writings…. I clicked through with a fine tooth comb.

Nothing. No trace of me. Nothing whatsoever. It’s natural to jump to conclusions and I’m sure you’ll laugh and remind me my antics are unnecessary but, immediately I produced the rawest truth I could feel in that moment.

You left no trace of me because I wasn’t supposed to exist.

Deep in my womb but you granted me no life.

I found no records of my existence and that wasn’t the part that affected me...just no hidden meanings, no art produced on my behalf, no inspiration when I know the images we painted and the interpretive form of dance on your floor came from an inspired place. 

I never mattered. You’ll argue me down and say I’m overreacting but I hate the number two it’s unforgiving. To matter a little is not the equivalent or even comparable to mattering enough. No one remembers the person that tried, they only write about the ones that did. This is what makes our friendship for lack of a better word, authentic. We have the hard conversations… correction, I address the hard things and you now hide as if you’re not open, when the truth is, you’ve become so comfortable in hiding where you are, that you’ve disregarded the nature of our authenticity. We didn’t have to beat around the bush, it was always head on. Now, you’ll take every other route instead of straight to the point. I used to think you were courageous but now I wonder if you’re cowering because it’s easier to not address it or are you now choosing to be in love?. 

I’m unsure of what this is that I’m leaving here, I don’t feel any emotion just clarity which is it’s own emotion unidentifiable with any other feeling. Am I upset I didn’t make the cut? Upset there’s no trace, record, or art of my being in your museum? Or am I just finally clear on our grey areas? 

Lol, I’m choosing the latter. What the world will interpret as “upset” due to the words on the page, we both know this is just our norm, clarity…. The Archives.  

CSS: Color Struck Syndrome

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“Everything she do is pretty to you”

Color Struck, a play by Zora Neale Hurston, is about a black woman who feels inferior to lighter toned black women. It addresses the theme of colorism which is the preference of lighter skin over darker skin within the black community, or as activist Alice Walker puts it, “preferential treatment of same race people based solely on their color”. Within the black female population, some of us encounter colorism as a person that gravitates toward a certain skin tone and associates that shade and/or its physical attributes with beauty.

It’s a very sensitive topic that so many of us acknowledge in our thoughts and maybe insecurities but never aloud within our community. I actually, can’t believe I’m bold enough to address it from my own truth and opinions but here we are. In the play “Color Struck”, the main character Emma, had a man named John who loved her very much as it was presented, but Emma would get very upset and jealous even, whenever a light skinned woman was around or interacting with him. She admitted to feeling like he’d choose one of them over her due to her being darker. 

Now, if you wanna know more, feel free to read it, but right now, let me share. I’m not dark skin, but I’m nowhere near light, yellow, or “red boned”. I’m brown... medium toned brown. I know a lot of men that date, sex, and/or commit to women that aren’t red bones, so I’m not even gonna try and make it seem like black men are color struck. HOWEVER, black men are color struck, just not all of them. If we’re being honest, the moment you tell a man he’s color struck, he’s going to get defensive and clarify for you every woman he’s ever associated with, that’s not light skinned. 

Let me back track just for a second, because it’s not all wrapped up in the color. Remember I associated physical attributes with my definition of colorism. Lighter tone individuals, were initially looked at as black individuals who had a non-black parent of some sort, but my idea is, lighter tone attributes meet one or all of the criteria:

  1. Light skin.
  2. “Good hair” that’s not kinky coily when natural and as close to “what you mixed with” when straight.
  3. Social economic status? Paying out of pocket for college.

Now, back to this colorism thing, if you tell a man you think he’s color struck, he’s going to name a list of women to prove he’s not, but you gotta check the hard cold facts. How many of these women were you in love with and why? How many of these women did you commit to and if you would have but did not, why? And MOST IMPORTANTLY, show me your last few girlfriends and or WCWs. 

As far as a color struck man, it’s nothing personal to me. I love them the way I’d love a black African king or a George Clooney white man... I do have a preference but my preference is that he’s black, and any shade will do. Check my credentials boo, (you may laugh here). 

Anyway, enough about color struck men, that’s a whole other layer I don’t want to go into. I could because my track runners all went for the lighter version, but that’s neither here nor there. 

Color Struck. As a non-light skinned woman, I can relate to Emma. Not as dramatic as she was, but the insecurity has popped its head up on more than one occasion. Let’s see, let’s start as a youngin. As a youngin, pictures showed I was light skinned. However, I grew up and I got darker. A lot darker in my opinion. My mother is light skinned and I’ve always wanted to ask my father what truly made my mother aesthetically pleasing to him? But I’m afraid if I address her skin tone, what kind of reaction or level of truth I’ll receive. Growing up, I wanted to have her skin. Sometimes I still do for different reasons. I have my father’s skin and I suppose the good Lord knew I needed that level of tough and roughness to overcome life’s stabs. 

There was this kid in kindergarten, I told him I liked him and he wasn’t interested. No biggie but you pay attention to the females guys like him chose throughout grade school. Another guy in elementary school, told me on the bus, I didn’t have “long hair” so he wouldn’t date me because he liked his girls with hair down her back. He wasn’t even black so lol whatever there. Oh wait? I forgot to tell you about Mrs. Cox, my white first grade teacher, telling my parents I might would be happier in her class if my hair was straightened... at that time I had this natural jerry curl thing going on. (Placing my head in my forehead because there was curl activator involved and it was just... embarrassing for me then because, in the 90s, natural styles wasn’t it). Anyways, I remember her telling my mom that I believe and I got my first perm in first grade. Smdh. 

Fast forward, my first went for a lighter toned chick with hair all down her back, (I won’t address where we both stand now) and my son’s father once asked me, why don’t you wear your hair like so and so, mind you so and so was weaved up and has been known to do the little Kim pinks and Nicki Minaj greens and grays.... nevermind that, just what the hell was I thinking wanting a guy like him? At 15, I had no clue. But anyway, lifestyle wise...financially, she had enough to flex. My parents could never. (Love y’all, but whatever, we couldn’t). 

Let’s keep the train moving, other high school crushes, both crushed on the same girl and dated her. She’s light skin with the “what you mixed with” hair lol. I feel so shallow for describing this the way that I am, forgive me. I promise I’m not shallow, just trying to address it as real as we experience it. Anyway, get to college, met a guy or two... lighter toned chicks. Now, these guys, all of them I’m sure, have had their shades of black women and some white/other races, but if you ask them to describe their dream woman physically... most men will admit to having a preference. It’s not offensive that men prefer lighter/red boned to dark meat, however, to a darker girl that knows no better and has to discover her beauty from the countless “not you’s” she’ll experience growing up, by the time she’s 26, she will have had to learn to quiet her insecurity while unlearning and healing from her own color struck illness. 

Colorism is a thing a lot of women won’t admit or even talk about. We just dust it under the rug and try to project the unity of black women all around, both fully and interracially black. I’ll be the first to admit, the lighter woman for me was always a threat and privileged in my eyes. Now at 26, I’m learning some of the lighter ladies are more insecure and deal with a number of struggles due to their skin tone privilege. Physically happy, but still insecure. Across the Fenty and Mac swatches, we battle insecurities just in different forms. I won’t say the color struck illness is one to easily shake when you’ve had it for years, but it’s manageable. The more you treat it and do the necessary therapy to regroup, the closer you’ll be to one day being free. 

"It's Gone Pop"

jelina sheppardComment

Let’s see, we’re a few days into 26 and its beating my natural brown OKAY I’M BACK. 26 and you realize you’re on the other side of 30. 26 and you’re straining your eyes to identify how little time you have left in that hour glass. 26 and I’m not where I want to be.

I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, “you have so much time” and “you’re only 26”. The people that use that last line with me… I typically feel a strong not so nice word rise up in my flesh and when I say strong, I mean strong. It’s like, the people that are comfortable with that “you’re only such and such” don’t remember what it was like to be “such and such” and how stressed out you are when you’re such and such. When it comes to relationships and marriage, yeah, I wholeheartedly believe “you’re only….” and “you have so much time”. However, career and dream wise…. Yeah, yall can kiss my forehead with that.

“You have so much time” to do what? Struggle? Stress about bills? Work in an environment that isn’t what makes you happy? [Happiness]… is that one of those things we shouldn’t strive to have? Is adulting still that time of your life where you disregard happiness because stability and security are over valued and projected to give you the “life you’ve dreamed of”? My dreams include all those things, but my dreams include me doing what I love and what I’m passionate about even when I don’t enjoy it. Or am I now too old to be dreaming?

My fourth day of being 26 and I’m stressed the hell out. I’m agitated, I’m responsible, I’m intentional, and I’m routined. I’m struggling in more ways than one… today it’s about career. It’s like, there was a period where you hardly saw anyone on the scene, and so I put my two scents in. I’ve been putting in the work, (although not as much as I probably could despite the amount I have), and I’ve rebranded, rebooted, and revamped this thing. I’ve made some important strides and while I know it’s not going to happen overnight, just how many nights are we talking? (I’m committed, but I’m just saying). I’m in a relatively small area, compared to the world and it’s like now everywhere I turn, I see the market growing. It’s like everyone wants to jump in my pool of Bethesda and get the same exact healing I’m trying to produce and obtain.

Now, there’s room for everyone to be “healed” and we can all have a lane. I get that and won’t for one minute think J. Sheppard coined or placed dibs on this particular area… I’m all for everyone black winning. It’s just, I want to win first. (Shrugs, judge me later).

Everyone’s a blogger now or better yet, everyone has something to say. Everyone’s a social media sensation and literally as I write out my frustrations, I’m understanding how to stay set apart. Anyone can write and even put out a book, but sustaining the career path and thriving as an author is the real challenge. If I can manage that while paving the way for my brand to evolve in the other areas J. Sheppard wants to overtake, I suppose I’ll be less bothered by others jumping on the blogger/writer/author thing. I’m not successful at it, but if I was, I wouldn’t consider anyone else.

Fear… is what happens when you’re trying to figure it out and you can’t but you look back, or around and see others coming down the tunnel you’ve dug in hopes you’ll find gold and being worried they’ll strike first. As I inhale these chicken minis from Chick-Fil-A as a means to clear my mind, I’m back.

I wish I could unplug from the social media world and focus merely on this blog. I’m distracted and this site is my safe place because here, I’m “it” and it’s all about me, however, the social aspect is how I share so it’s needed. Idk. Day 4 of Bossing 26 has been a tough one. Everyday isn’t going to be the best but, it’ll only get better I suppose. It’s been a long four years with this writing thing and one day soon a change will come.

“It’s gone pop”

  

The Prettier (Insecure) Me...

jelina sheppard2 Comments

Once upon a time, there was a guy I was seeing and at some point he was being flirtatious with this other girl… regardless if he ever admits what I knew, I know what I know. Hashtag OKAY? 

Anyway, this young lady was (in my honest opinion) GORGEOUS. Like, I’m not the person who can’t see a beautiful woman, shorty was cute. She was the “cute” most men go for… (men, you can challenge me later, but record shows….. I’m not wrong with this one)…. anyway, she’s beautiful right? Curvy such as myself but a little hippier and hips only, she has very clear skin.... lol like skin so clear they’d use her for the clearasil commercials. Beautiful hair…. like type 3 natural… on a good day and with some manipulation she might get a 4a… anyway, the girl was and still is fine… oh and mixed too… (that’s a whole other conversation the A.A community refuses to have and acknowledge). 

Now that’s not what got me… you ready?????

It was like she was me but in a lighter toned body. She could sing enough….and at the moment when I discovered her twitter (judge me later, the lord HONESTLY put her on my TL one day due to him retweeting her lol, that’s his fault) but anyway, she was PRO JESUS. Like… for a while I thought her ministry was stronger than mine, her voice was more “commercial” than mine due to her looks… everything was JESUS, JESUS, JESUS and I was like "Man, God I been rocking with you for a minute but I’ve never been this way". Like, I mean scriptures, words of encouragement, Jesus type posts, just a real saint. Probably the one I should aspire to be… nonetheless, I never told him this when we argued about her, but I was very insecure about their very real but non-real interaction due to that one thing… not that he was tweeting her and she was commenting on his pictures with hearts and stuff that he wouldn’t respond to… but her designer Jesus outfit. 

Oh wait! Did I mention she was on the “waiting Til marriage” kick that I’ve been about? So in my head, I felt like "she’s a prettier you and how can you compete?" Matter of fact, one of my ignorant male friends told me “Shepp, she's worth waiting for…” and my response was “So… I’m not?” My friend was like “nah I’m not saying that, I’m just saying I’d wait for her and you know I’ma hoe”. So that conversation between a former coworker didn’t make things any better between myself and the guy I was into at the time. 

Anyway, I told myself I wouldn't try to become her or try to out “jesus”/ “minstry” her. I said I would fight to be me and that even if the guy didn’t, Jesus loved me just the way I was at the time. Now… she, this girl, is apart of the reason I pushed and whined as much as I did. WE had other things we needed to work on, but she was the icing on the cake for me. Now I don’t know if they ever slept together or if he was ever more official with her than he was with me, but I like to think I stayed true to myself and didn’t compromise my walk for a relationship. 

Fast forward a year or so, the interactions I saw, I haven’t seen in a minute and disappeared shortly after we cut ties. (That’s not to say they still don’t interact because you know, men are stupid but women are gullible)… either way, a mutual interest of hers and my own brought us back under the same roof one evening and I was like DANG IT JESUS, GIVE ME A BREAK! SHE REALLY IS THE PRETTIER ME. LIKE UGH! Instantly, in an environment I was supposed to be dominating and bossing, that trigger was trying to make fear my defeater. Now, I shook myself off and did my thing but… when I went home, it stuck with me. So… I became Inspector Gadget again… (that was the nickname he gave me that I didn’t deserve) and I checked to see if what I was hoping would pop off for me, popped off for her. Now that idk… but what I did find that I wasn’t looking for was…. 

The over the top Jesus antics were slim to nonexistent… there was profane language… sexual talk… just all the things I didn’t see initially I do now, which made me think either

  1. She was a newbie in Christ who hasn’t solidified her way
  2. It was all a facade… OR
  3. Something’s happened and she needs rescuing because the girl I saw was not the girl I had seen previously. 

I said a prayer for her you know, that God would reel her back in and do what he needs to do to get her back locked in because yeah… I love the lord or whatever but can I have a real moment…

Something said, “She’s not you, J. The relationship you and I have is real and solidified. It’s not budging as long as you stay hungry for me." When it comes to me, the girl is just pretty… that’s not to take away from my own prettiness but she’s a pretty face. I’m sure she has substance but “J, you have layers. There’s a depth she doesn’t have that you do”.

Don’t ever think someone else can out love you in regards to your love for Christ. 

I thought she did and maybe that was the deciding factor as to why the guy whose eye we had didn’t lock me down… do I think he chose her over me? Absolutely, I do. But there’s this reoccurring theme happening in my life lately where the people that chose others over me are realizing they chose too quick and chose wrong. I’m just saying, there were a few windows I could’ve busted and a couple of lives I could’ve taken… Hashtag, no LOL, I said what I said. 

But there is something true and beautiful about “the battle is not yours, it’s the Lord’s”…. So many times we don’t respond the way we want to when we’ve been offended but HONEY, victory done His way is sweet and the best part is, your hands and conscious are clean when he finishes on your behalf. There are no felonies and charges most importantly, but stay true to yourself and anchored in him. He really does have your back and is fighting on your behalf. 

 

¡Merde! 🤦🏾‍♀️ (I Choked)

jelina sheppardComment

Somewhere along the lines I’ve conditioned myself that my feelings and concerns are not important and that everything that happens for the most part is trivial. I know that has to be one of the hardest things to deal with when dealing with me... especially for the ones that want to care and want to help.

I’ve always been the person to say “let’s focus on your part in the situation and how you can fix you...” or I’ve always been the person to not mull over how something made me feel but rather try and force myself to get over it and be okay. Most of the time it works... but like Superman we all have our kryptonite. I think I’ve found mine... just something else discovered it before I did.

The saying "if it won’t matter in five years don’t worry about it now", or something of that effect is what I reflect on, but what happens when you reflect five years later and realize you’re still affected? Then you start to feel like you’re “too far affected to be resolved”....

It’s pretty complicated and I’m very much complex. The desire and now constant force to be “okay” gets taxing at time. It’s possible I’m so addicted to being “okay”, that being affected for too much time causes me to feel like I’m losing it.

That’s the thing with strong women, we don’t get to be affected... and expressing logical thoughts and concerns in the past has always been responded to as “you’re emotional” or “you’re overreacting”, or “you should just get over it”...shame on you for making us feel as if our feelings don’t matter.

But, they don’t. That’s not to say they don’t exist but they can’t be the most important thing right? Right now I can’t answer my own questions because my mind is too clouded with a lot of different things. All I can do is pose questions.

Somewhere within the last two years, I’ve lost my voice...

In so many different ways I’ve lost my voice.

I have a few cards to play, but perhaps the most important card is the most vulnerable and I do this thing where I protect my relationships with people. I try not to put them in a position to hurt me. I value the relationship so much to the point I try to be very careful about what goes on. People are people at the end of the day, and even with the best intentions they still sometimes hurt you.

My apologies, it’s just I have enough to heal from. So many of us are constantly healing but never seeing ourselves healed.... My plate is full and I don’t want to add our relationship to the menu.

The Dedication...

jelina sheppardComment

The blueprint in my insecurity (and no not my opinion but insecurity), was a luxury… one that I was unable then and still don’t think I could afford now… in the best and amazing way, he's very expensive... perhaps that explains why I'm still to this day mesmerized by our experience. While experiencing him on the surface I think is one every woman would want to have, I can’t predict how much debt I’d occur trying to keep up with the emotional, physical, and spiritual maintenance of our relationship. I could expound right there but I won’t, however I will say everything that's a luxury isn't always something you need... normally it's just a want. 

My roadmap was an expense I could afford to take… still costly but not outside my tax bracket. I could maintain the real lifestyle I was aspiring to live and keep up with our relationship. If I managed us correctly, I might would’ve been able to save a little as well… you know grow, expand, accumulate some self-wealth.

In retrospect, the roadmap was more than good enough initially but somewhere down the line, decided he couldn’t see my worth which in turn made me question if I was too good for him.

Outside of my insecurity and fear, the blueprint wouldn’t have been too good for me, just different. The only life I could imagine us having was one outside of convention… while it could've worked, would it have appealed to the woman I’ll be in ten years? I can’t say. It would work and appeal to a woman that was accepting but would that woman be who I was destined to become? Would it even appease the woman I would consider settling to become just to have him? Different isn’t always bad, but it's not necessarily satisfying. It’s a lot that goes into these two beautiful men… and beautiful is what I’ve created by knowing them.

Overcoming a Breakup in 2018.