With Love, J. Sheppard

Give Me the Choice and Opportunity

jelina sheppardComment

Choices and opportunities are two things I don’t take for granted and I appreciate the moments and individuals who offer them to me. Eyesight for me at this point is very observational, almost as if I’m doing research. I think both unintentionally and calculating, I’m gathering ideas and perspectives on what I want in regards to different things. Clearly, this blog has a primary focus so I suppose I’ll start there.

Different people appeal to different layers of me. I have a layer that’s very whimsical, a layer that’s romantic, a layer that’s EXTREMELY objective, while most times I’m very optimistic despite the facts. I have a layer that’s quiet and reserved, a layer that’s outgoing and vibrant, a layer that’s very much in my head…. Anyway. Layers. Complex but not complicated. Simplistic in a lot of ways.

Back to choice…. I’ve seen different things. Some up close, others, vicarious accounts. A previous relationship tried to convince me “J, you want me to fit this story you’ve written in your head… you don’t really want me” and to this day, I can’t fully deny that wasn’t partially true. However, the story I had in my head was amazing. I’m a writer with a vivid imagination, so had he taken the time, he would’ve been flattered I depicted him to be more than what he was.

I want someone (not today but maybe this time next week) that will grow in love with me. Someone that is open to finding our rhythm. If there’s anything I’ve learned this year especially, sometimes I do have to let go of my idea and expectations of a thing and be open so that I’m able to embrace the experience of what I'm getting. Life really doesn’t play out the way you want most times. The way to remain appreciative? Stay open to whatever.

While I’m open to this thing called love, I know I want to find what works for me. I have my ideas about what practices I want to incorporate in my relationship and one day marriage, and I won’t share because they’re unorthodox to say the least, but for my personality I think they’ll work.

Ultimately, I just want the opportunity.

I am a sucker for a true love story and imaginatively thinking, who wouldn’t want that right? But back to that objective, honest, and sometimes fickled layer of me, maybe I don't have to have all that fairy tale love stuff, I don't even know if I want it... I think I'd just like to have the option... the option to have it if it becomes what I want. That’s where past loves have gone wrong. They never take the time with honest intentions to ask me what I want. They just automatically think a societal love fantasy is what I’m requiring because I’m female and because I’m writer. Realistically speaking, just listen and compromise (as will I) so we can find our rhythm and what works for us. A fairytale love story is whatever makes us happy and works for me and my lover.

I want someone that will open my eyes, mind, and heart to new opportunities. I’m bored.