In Your Dream, Where Do I Fit?

i'm in a room that looks like a meeting ballroom at a hotel, and there are boxes stacked around the room and chairs all over the floor. it's like an emergency townhall meeting has been called based on the lack of order in the seating arrangement. everyone is sitting where they want, except me.

i'm the only person in the room standing and as he’s mingling and interacting with everyone else in the room, we see each other and instantly light up with affection. he comes over to greet me, and i’m looking around the room impressed by how impactful he's been to have so many people have shown up for him… we see it, stare in awe, and then hug deeply; and while being held, i let out this deep sigh… because it felt like rest for the few seconds i was in his arms.

we let go, and he looks around to see if he can find me a seat, but i guess i got there too late or something because there were none left… or maybe he ran out of chairs.

but then he looked in one direction in particular and there is someone in a seat but they weren't taking up all of the chair. in fact there was enough room for us to share… so he leads me over and says “sit right here i'll be right back.”

so i try to sit, and only half of my right thigh and a quarter of my juicy booty can get in the chair. the lady possibly could've moved over or shifted some, so we could've maybe both fit equally in the chair, but, that's not what either of us was really trying to give.

so, i sit for a while waiting for him to come back with the chair, but i look up and he's been pulled by something else in the room and he's busy working on it. no harm no foul and i remember just looking at him in admiration… like that's my booboo. and while i was a very proud honeydip, i was also a very uncomfortable one at the same time.

one of the legs on the chair started to bend and we became unstable… and she looked at me nervous like, "are you gonna get up?" and me being me, not wanting to fall or be embarrassed by not having a seat to begin with, i get up thinking, "oh it's okay. i can just stand."

and i could… but after a while, my feet in dolce and gabbana, started looking back at me like, “girl what are we doing?” so, then i thought “i can sit on the floor” but, with so many people in the room, he never would’ve been able to look around and see me in the midst of everyone else because i would’ve been lower… and the floor is where feet walk. surely i didn’t want to be on the level people walk over. and plus i looked too good to be sitting indian style in a white dress…

so, eventually, i look around and i couldn’t find him anymore, and without him present, i’m starting to feel out of place. so i make an attempt to slip out the front door of the hotel because i didn’t think he’d notice or even remember i was there… but after i get out headed to my car, he runs out, calls my name, and like in the classic love jones film, it’s raining now.

and we come back to each other but neither of us says anything. we just smile in the rain and hug… and during this whole rain thing, Mariah Carey is playing and just repeating “never too far away” from the glitter soundtrack… and we just look at each other and there’s this feeling of agreeing to “know”.

what did we “know”? i don’t know because we never spoke and then i woke up… but once i opened my eyes all i felt was “he doesn’t have room for me”…. and then i felt sad.

so many more words and thoughts but… im late for lunch.

Uno vs. Uno Out

you know when you’re ready to lay your cards out on the table, but you really want them to play their hand first so you have to fight to keep the most important cards in your hand because it’s not safe to throw out yet?

it’s like constantly having uno, but never getting the chance to go out. today, and emphasis on today, i’m ready to call it and win.

Is It Necessary?

It’s not that I couldn’t or that I can’t… I just wonder if I made the adjustment, would I be happy that I did ten years from now?

Because that matters. And right now, I don’t know because I’m not exactly happy now.

It seems like such a daunting task… being happy in something more than feeling unsatisfied.

The Ride...

This ride… there’s a time to get on and seemingly always a time to get off… now I’m feeling a little sick to the stomach. It's the thrill of trying a new rollercoaster for the first time. Similar to the excitement of walking in the store holding my dad’s hand asking “ooo can I have this one?”

The ride was so much fun but do I really have to get back in line so I can get back on?

95th and Butterflies

To know me is to know I do everything primarily with my head. I’m very spontaneous and will do a lot of outlandish things that appear on a whim to most… but it’s probably something I’ve prepared for. Logically, I believe life is a movie and anything that makes for a great scene when I’m old and gray replaying what I can remember, should be worth the view.

So, yes I’ll always overthink everything I care about, but even with the worst case scenario in mind, I’ll use that to prepare me for every wild thing I’ll ever do in this life. In fact, anything exciting to me, I’m going to do.

So… with over thinking, comes the sweet gift of compartmentalizing. I can place everything in its proper place and in real life whatever does not have a place cannot stay but likewise, when I want something, I’ll find a place for it.

But with this one… I’m still making efforts to figure out where this lottery ticket belongs space wise… and all I can come up with is… “outside the box”.

And that’s exciting…I mean it feels like having to boo boo butterflies and because I haven’t been out the box before, I’m deeply intrigued. Any parameters I try to place him in, he bleeds outside the lines. Trying to make sense of all the components normally helps me compartmentalize but, this one is kinda tricky.

And friends, I had soooooooo much fun being outside this box. Everything outside this box is unorthodox, original, and vibrant. I mean, he’s funny, goofy, smart, stupid, spontaneous, exciting, sweet, sour, mean, but chivalrous when it matters the most… and the breath that comes out his nose when he’s sleeping smells good. Smh, I’m not sure why I know that, but… I was close enough to smell it.

Oh!!!! and damn good looking. Did I mention the forehead kisses land perfectly every time.

I live my life according to my rules but what I also learned years ago, is that as a woman, there is always an exception to every rule we have and he’s found his.

Wait, did I say he was smart? Very intelligent and charming. I can’t help but actually pay attention when he speaks. Isn’t that something sweet? To want to listen?

He’s literally the best piece of sausage and jalapeño pizza you can only find in the most beautiful city with an amazing skyline… shout out to Rosati’s.

I feel like I might of made it to 95th but after this, im kinda wanting to go a little further south to see what 91st is like. It could be too close but, i think wanna know more… but only if 91st is truly open to being "known". People say they want to be known, but being truly known is scary, vulnerable, and intentional.

I’d happily accept this penny for my thought: Do you get to be reality or just a moment?

The unpopular thing about outcomes is you can’t 100% call it, and even when you do, only time will tell.

… ima see it through every time.

Hey Siri, play butterflies by Michael Jackson.

The Anomaly: Two and Two.

2 plus 2 will always equal four… but beyond that, 2 times 2 will also be four. Every single time. It’s the only math fact where the sum and product are equal. It’s like the perfect anomaly.

Relationally speaking, maybe that’s the goal. To find another 2 so that the relationship aligns where the end result is the end result no matter if you’re adding or multiplying. In my world a factor that looks like a 4 is enough to get you in the door for sure. If you come off as a 2, and the sum is giving 4 then great… but when we bring multiplying into our equation, the product should still be 4… if I get anything less than that, then that means circumstantially one of us is not giving “2”. It may be a 3 and 1 or a 0 and 4…. But either way, anything other than a 2 and 2 is not what I want. 

And I’m just at that place of wanting and feeling deserving of what I want… I want my special math fact… my anomaly. Niggas suck at math tho lol. And when they tell me that, I’ma start running because that’s right up there with a man calling me “big money” at this point. 

I think if I’m going to keep trying this dating thing, I have to have a criteria for compartmentalizing when it’s a 2, 3, 4 situation. I’m going to shift from arithmetic to sports for a second. Yes, you want 2+2 to yield 4, but when classifying these scenarios, the 2 and 2 set up is the only case where you win in love. So, it’s only fair to categorize these math facts (3+1, 4+0, 2+2) in terms of wins and losses. 

0-4 (oh and four) or 4-0 (four and oh)

When we talk about sports we put the wins before losses. So, when discussing the Bull’s  72-10 record in the ’95/’96 NBA season, the reason it’s so memorable is because out of 82 games, the Bulls won roughly 88% of their games, which was more than any other team that year. So, yeah. Not to get too far off topic but wins then losses. Obviously, 0-4 is real dookie slush.

I like to see this as the worst case scenario and I don’t think I have to put too many words to it. An 0-4 situation is basically, you’re putting all the effort in to get the ball down the court. If they aren’t at least on offense with you, meaning you don’t have someone to pass the ball to, it’s not safe. CALL TIME OUT IMMEDIATELY. I mean, you don’t have to take a break, but you’re definitely wasting your time. 0-4 means they’re not at all interested despite the wording that may come out of their mouths or in those text threads. 

You know those scenarios (hopefully not up close), where one person texts first all the time, one person is putting in the effort to initiate time and dates but the other person always has an excuse as to why those plans can never seem to leave the ground… it’s just not good nor is it real. I think when you’re in a 1-3 or 3-1 situation, its really easy to slip into a 0 and 4 type situation. In fact, I’d bet that in a 1-3 or 3-1 situation more often than not, there will be 0-4 moments… I’d like to reiterate that an 0-4 or 4-0 situation means, one person is carrying all the feelings, emotion, chemistry and connection while the other person has none. 

You’re probably thinking “3 wins and 1 loss isn’t bad Sheppard”, but it’s not measuring wins and loss in the sports aspect, it’s all about interest and feelings. Either way you look at it, someone is carrying most of the affection and someone is on their way out… the goal is to both be all in. So yeah. 3-1… 

3-1 (three and one) 

This honestly may be the most exhausting case. I think this scenario happens way more than a 0-4 or 4-0. And it’s sooo tricky, because you could really be so inspired and hopeful that you don’t see they’re not invested like you… that 1 gives just enough to keep you hoping eventually you’ll get to the 2-2. It’s very vague, unclear, and uncomfortable. Some days it feels like you’re really locked in but most days you’re left in the dark. You often wonder if a relationship is what they really want because the plan of action usually falls short of what you’re wanting and needing. When you make advances to know them on a deeper level to establish emotional availability, they don’t show up and it feels like you’re pulling teeth. 

Basically, this is as unclear as it gets. It’s worse (to me) than 0-4 because that’s usually pretty clear lol. You have to be blind, unintelligent, and in denial for an 0-4. But that 3-1… you don’t want to walk away because you’re so close to a 2-2 and getting there is usually what keeps you in the game. The pursuit of the championship ring. A really great season. The person might even be on the offense with you, but half the time you’re wondering “would you rather be on the bench?” Or “did you come to play or????”…. it’s just a lot of uncertainty. Usually there is some chemistry and the chemistry could be very strong…when it’s strong; but it’s not enough to keep the connection consistent. And that’s what keeps you from reaching 2-2. 

I could say more, but hopefully you get the point. 3-1 has not proven to be worth it and I’m exhausted just contemplating the millions of examples that fall under this category. 

2-2 (two and two)

The anomaly. The Bulls in ’95. MJ in 1990… honorable mention Wilt Chamberlain in ’62. Can we have multiple shots at a 2-2? I guess so? I don’t see why not? The Bulls won a few rings, so… maybe it’s possible. But to have at least one is enough. The 2-2 paradigm is one where the commitment and feelings are mutual. I don’t mean, y’all love each other equally, I mean both parties are available, invested, and committed to making the connection grow and work. I could probably list some more explicit examples but… then I’d be writing from a place of speculation based on logic and not experience. Unfortunately, I can’t think of any explicit examples right now because niggas love to be vague chile. Now, there’ve been some really fun “ones” though, FOR SURE. Lol. A time is normally had but… not lasting and not at all healthy. I’m in a place now where I’m looking for the fun to never end. Honorable mention: I’ve been a “one” too… like once or twice 🥴👀 and that’s on my momma on my hood. (Because it goes both ways). But anyway. We’re a 2… looking to match with another 2… but not just any 2. My 2. ❤️ 

Gifts and Prizes. Pt. 2

There’s this new wave of thinking that people are riding now. In real life, men are the prize…. Yessss, I know! And I love that for them, truly I do. I love that men are somewhat seeing their worth in that they really do bring a lot to the relational world… or that they could bring a lot to the relationship; but the contingency is seemingly if she works for it. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this Columbus type discovery. If you like it, I’ll go with it. In fact, in the beginning of time, I think women were presumed to be the prize. Biblically, you have stories like Jacob and Rachel, where he wanted to marry Rachel, got tricked into marrying her sister, and then had to “work” 7 additional years before he could have her. 

Romeo and Juliette…. A deadly passion of love. They sort of put in the work for each other, but Romeo basically had to die just so he could have her. (I’m aware they both died, but he died first). Talk about ultimate prize? Jesus did the same thing to show his love… 

One more example to support this prize presumption; Steve and Laura in family matters. I don’t have to give the run down because I’m sure you know.

 For a long time, women were the prize. Now the roles have reversed and men feel like they are. And man, do they have my good sisses jumping through hoops to obtain them fully. Because men want to be the prize, women do find themselves competing, working, auditioning, settling, and convincing they are worthy of their hearts. 

I’m not knocking it at all… but, it’s just not what I want. I used to say, “you can be the prize as long as you remember I’m the gift”. 

But now, I think I just want to have another gift. We receive gifts not because we do anything special or because we sowed the right seeds and did the right moves… we get gifts because someone wanted to show their love and appreciation just because we exist. To me, that’s way sweeter. 

We are worthy of all we have in life, so you shouldn’t have to prove it to anyone or convince them to see. 

Don’t love me because of what I do or base it on the value I bring to your life, love me “just because” you want to give it to me. No stipulations, no conditions, just “I saw this and thought of you”. 

Relationally Unavailable...Dwayne or Whitley?

So... I was in the mood yesterday to rewatch the last 4 seasons of A Different World. I didn't really care for the first two seasons but I think that's because I wasn't interested in Dwanye and Denise. (Sorry...).  One of the biggest controversies around this show is the moment Dwayne interrupts the wedding to get Whitley back... 

It's always been a "YESSSS GO HEAD GO HEAD!" moment for me but maybe I'm slightly toxic and a hopeful romantic. Please, confess your love for me and don't let me get away lol. Fight for me okay?! But some people that have since rewatched the show in their 20s, 30s, 40s etc have taken that moment and called out its toxicity and said Whitley should've never gotten back with him because it took losing her for him to "act right". 

I don't have an opinion on it I don't think. Better late than never? I don't know. If it's meant to be then it will always be. But what I do want to dissect is Dwayne and Whitley's dynamic. From where I was sitting, it came off as if Whitley was relationally unavailable. I know the world typically focuses on emotional unavailable partners but I think that's just one part of being relationally unavailable. Sometimes, we are also physically unavailable (I've been guilty). 

Now granted, my physical unavailability is not like most. Y’all be unavailable because you're healing, overcoming your demons, or literally still sleeping with them but for me, there were moments where I just could not show up at any given moment... and while this is not my current state, my twenties had them. But I also think I had these moments with men I really wasn’t interested in, so there's that. BECAUSE WHEN PAPI CALLS? TRUST AND BELIEVE I'M GOING TO MAKE MY WAY WHERE EVER HE IS. Lol, you said it's 7:30am and to come where? Okay, Karter catch the bus to school. Lmao. Nah I'm joking, but we will definitely be first in the driveline because babe said to come on so I'm going to get there. 

Gosh, maybe I am a terrible mother. Just out here trying to balance motherhood and being in these streets. Okay, no seriously. I'm a great mom and I'm not in these streets. But you know what I mean. 

Anyway, back to Dwayne and Whitley. I just feel like she was relationally unavailable to him. I think he was trying to pursue her but she wasn't budging after going a little deeper with him and discovering the components she was looking for were undeveloped in him. Maybe intuitively she knew he wasn't prepared for her so that added to her reservations. Either way, I thought I saw multiple moments where she just wasn't available to him.  There were also moments when she was ready and he was playing around with Kinu. They both had moments when they weren’t available but currently, I’m starting to wonder if I’m Kinu or Byron… wanting to be in the seat of Dwayne and Whitley in this particular story, but on the surface, maybe I’m Kinu… or in reality I might be Byron. When we know what we know and still try to see past it to see what it could be might be the reason we miss what it is.

But the Dwayne Whitley dynamic got me thinking... a piece of being relationally unavailable is shying away from what you want. Talk about accountability? I'm worn out again because I have been coming into these relationships, specifically the last two, unavailable trying to push them to be available first. I seriously asked Jesus last week like, why do I keep finidng myself connected to unavailable. And then processing yesterday, I think it's because I keep showing up that way. I mean I'm mostly available but I have some areas I can work on. 

I think the biggest hinderance right now is shying away from the relationship word. Idk why I do it but I always do. I try to avoid saying the word when talking to my male friends because I don't want to trigger them or scare them away. So stupid I know, but I will dance around that word as best I can. I'll say things like friendship... 

A part of it is also, thinking I want to be in a relationship but then fearing I might get into it and find myself stuck to a bad investment. Once I commit to something, it’s hard for me to walk away and not exhaust myself in trying to make it work. It would hurt me to tell a man I want something from him and then he tries to give it to me and it not be good… both relationally and intimately. I’ve been on the end of “how you bother me first then waste my time” and because I know how that feels, I don’t want to be that villain in anyone’s story. 

Anyway… I’ll keep working on it. Currently… I don’t think I passed the test, but now that I’m revising this, next time for sure I’ll get it right. *Sigh* 

to be loved is not enough...

The thing about making a conscious decision to love someone rather than “falling in love” is that you’re in control. So much in control that if that person no longer aligns with your values in a lover that you can decide to no longer engage in that commitment to them. It sounds rather fickle, but I think it’s the other side of a raw deal.

I gave him two years and the last round I really tried you know? I was patient, intentional, gracious, forgiving, understanding, giving and then some. All of those things I think equate to love. More than anything, I committed after he initiated. How do you tell me you love me and then do everything but?

My get out of jail free card was him giving me his ass to kiss. Let me brief you on how the breakup went. One hour: “Babe, I love you…. thank you for being so supportive… idk what i’d do without you….” and then three hours later “this whole thing stupid and before i let (your genuine concern) ruin what i got going on or my peace, this shit is what it is”. And it literally was what it was.

Rewinding it back a little just to add more texture to the story, closing out our second year in the last quarter, he was blessed with a tv interview, his personal endeavors bearing fruit, AND a promotion. The promotion which was a step toward what he wanted when we first met. Literally he was one step away… and right after getting those 3 wins back to back, he walked away from me as if I had become the biggest pain in his ass. As if, my needing one thing was too much of an ask for him. What I needed was to be loved well in a nutshell. Anyway… One thing I don’t do is chase anyone that walks away from me because if you don’t want to be here, I’ll never force you. You’ll always be free with me.

Long story short, 6 weeks after we breakup, he lost his job (due to arrogance) and that promotion which was the most important thing to him. His career and his goals. I didn’t want him to lose his job but, listen, if “God don’t play about me” was a person… this was the defining moment. I didn’t retaliate, I didn’t wish him harm, I didn’t try to get my lick back because I was hurt… I simply just chalked it up to the game and kept it pushing. Now he’s having to rebuild and who knows how long it will take him to get back where he was not to mention ahead.

I’m not saying that I bring favor to your life, but the bible doesssssss say “a man that finds A wife, finds a good thing”. Whether or not she’s your wife is up to you, but a wife is a wife at the end of the day. Alright… that’s all ima say on that.

Back to being “loved”. Now at thirty one, (I know it’s been a while… hiii. i’m back), I accept that I’m an easy person to love. Every time a man confesses his love for me, I no longer doubt that he thinks he does… because I’m a great person to love. It makes sense every time I hear it because it’s easy to love me… but the consistent challenge is that they don’t have the capacity to love me well.

That’s the goal. To be loved well. So friends, don’t allow your guard to fall when you hear the words “i love you”. Wait until you feel the actions of being loved well, because to be loved is not enough.

I guess we can blame relational inflation.

April 2022

I think at 30 it becomes important for me to be with a man that has time to protect and prioritize his romantic relationship. Like I know it’s possible for a person to build in other areas of life and have a healthy relationship … or is it? Either way, I want to be with a man that is in a life space where he can afford a relationship. Not so much financially, but that’s not out of the question. But I want him to have a lot of great things going and not so close to the bottom of his building process that he has found some relief and can now also prioritize love. 

Looking back on it at thirty one, love was always on the back burner because this man was trying to cook two different sides while preparing the main course. It definitely wasn’t giving michelin star… more like chef nigga please.

Gifts and Prizes Pt. 1

In today’s time, “the man is the prize”. And I say, yes the man is the prize. I hope to one day feel like I won someone worth having… someone I’m proud to be with. But also, there are a lot of issues with this “prize” mentality. Like, how do you win? If ultimately there is only one of him, do you have to compete? How many of us are in this round? 

Okay maybe this isn’t a problem per say but for the grown woman, ain’t nobody got time for a bunch of games and a bunch of bullshit, excuse my colloquialism… nonetheless it doesn’t exactly make me want to play. I had a guy tell me once my issue is because I didn’t feel like I could win against other women, but it’s honestly because “is it really a prize?“ like best case scenario, I get him… is he an asset or a liability? Because, yeah. I got questions. 

A lot of people (men and women) don’t be giving what they supposed to give and we could all benefit from humility. But on an even more serious note, I have no problem with treating my man, or any man for that matter like he’s the prize. Lol you can be the prize baby and I’ll happily tell everyone that I’m overly joyful to have won a man of such value. 

Although the Bible said to be a man or valor but… that’s not my business…. or wait, I’m not gonna miss a moment to empty this clip. I think men should shift their focus to being a man of valor instead of a man of value… the Greek definition of valor comes from “arete” which essentially leads to one being a man worth honoring. A man of great virtue and moral of excellence… a man of quality… while you’re out here trying to be the prize and force women to work for your value and status, be someone who deserves great honor. Alright. I digress. It’s giving Kevin Samuels and that’s not how I want to be heard. 

I’m ready to accept I’m difficult…. My spunk, heart, gall and passion means more to me than being some man’s “wife” at this point, and I’m ready to give up on that and choose my freedom to be. Because being your wife, and accepting your last name is not a prize for me… being loved well and the way I desire is. 

Okay! Back to the point. YES I WANT MY MAN TO BE THE PRIZE AND I ANTICIPATE TREATING HIM AS SUCH AND LETTING THE WHOLE WORLD KNOW, “HEY I WON WITH HIM.” 

I have no issue with this and I hope all my female readers will follow suit because these good men really are the prize now a days. You know how hard it is to meet the right man, let alone a good one? Yes ma’am,

they are the prize…. But I need my man to know I’M THE GIFT and I expected to be treated as such. A gift is usually something that comes as the result of “thought”. It’s special… has meaning/purpose. And when it’s the right gift, you handle it with great care and consideration. You handle a gift differently. 

And maybe this is where I screw my self because, it’s not important to me for a man to “work” to have me… because once he does the “work” to have me, the consistency usually fades. I don’t care for a man to “work” for me because I’m a gift. I only need you to appreciate and handle me with great care and consideration. 

My value is with me so I don’t need you treat me like a prize to make me feel valuable. I already know I am, just appreciate the gift in front of you…. and the more appreciation and care you show for the gift God allowed to walk in your life, the more this gift will keep on giving … the better the position of receiving. The gifts from God are free. You don’t have to “do” anything in particular to get it, because it’s a gift. You just have to steward it well… and multiply it… almost like if you water it it will grow… go figure. 

If you want to be the prize, I’m prepared to treat and see you as such. However you want to be treated is how I (and I assume most women) want to treat you. Just don’t forget while you’re shining your balls, that I’m the gift. 

That’s the thing, when you turn on the give love switch, the good and real stuff, it’s hard to turn it off. It’s like a drug, being able to love someone in a way that no other person gets to experience. And you meet these people who ultimately become your pusher and after a while, their supply dries up and you’re out searching for a new vein. Someone worthy of your love. It’s hard. For once, I want to experience the other side of fresh needle. No more recycled love.

Siri play “Do You” by Miguel

J. Sheppard

lord please help me not give him this booty…

You were in my dreams last night. I don’t remember the details or even dreaming anything specific but, I woke up feeling like the dream was intense feeling wise. Almost like there were two realities… like a multiverse, and I was experiencing both sides. Whenever one interaction took place, a different one took place on the other side but just one felt more intense… like you were really present. Like, if you grazed the side of my face, without touching me, you touched my right lip. All of the interactions were innocent but felt intense. I woke up feeling drunk and out of it like I might have been on a drug or something… very drowsy. 

But like it really felt like you had been coloring deep until the the pencil tip was dull and couldn’t color anymore. Woke up feeling very much water colors and mad because I couldn’t touch you… why the hell aren’t you beside me? (Still not in a sexual way) but we both wanted to feel him at the same time. It’s just very much simultaneous duality. Not even sure why I woke up feeling this way but I’m so frustrated I almost couldn’t take it anymore. My stomach was in knots from all the not coloring but coloring.

Today, I’m craving you but not so much sexually… I really think I just want to be connected to you… and because I lack experience the quickest way to feel instantly connected is through sex but I really just wanted to cuddle up next to you. Now I’m sad because where are you? My freaking period got to be on the way. 

4.1.23

What is care?

Learning to sleep under the top sheet bc he likes to… Exchanging your late night tv for her sound machine because she sleeps better with brown noise. Sharing fears and words of reassurance, that turns into deep holding and hand touching. Talks that turn into communication and compromise. Making adjustments so that the other has what they need. Sweet nothings and articles of their favorite colors. 

Care is the beginning. Consideration is love.

“Care”

J. Sheppard

I was great up until last night. I don’t like sleeping next to someone and dreaming about you. Then waking up in the morning wishing I could be back in my dreams. I don’t like wishing it could’ve been benji. 

Be her peace when you can’t be the man she wants… because you’re the man she chose and that has to count for something.

It’ll never be 2016 I miss, it’s the qualities and characteristics. You had so much of what I wanted in a heart… so when you left apart of my dreams did too. 

07.21

i knew you were cheating… i guess we can call it even.

J. Sheppard

I feel loved...

 When you’re patient with me, I feel loved. 

When you forgive me, I feel loved. 

When you’re honest with me, I translate that level of pain into love. 

When you follow through on the things you say you will do as it relates to me, I feel loved.

When you make time for us, I feel loved. 

When you include me in your life’s activities, I feel loved. 

When you talk to me, I feel loved. 

When you touch me, hold me, I feel loved.

When you offer to do nice things/kind gestures I feel loved. 

When you take care of things/do things without me having to ask, I REALLY feel loved. 

When you hold my hand, I feel loved. 

When you give me flowers, I feel loved.

Pride.

I’ve made effort to be a woman a man would be proud to be with. Like I’ve worked extremely hard to develop me and be someone I’m proud to be… and I think bc I was made to feel in my previous relationships like they weren’t proud to be with me… that physically, mentally, and accomplishment wise, I had to further become… and I often still feel that way so there’s this ever revolving door of what else can I do to be better you know? 

So now… I meet men and I won’t show them off. I won’t post them on social media. I won’t push to date… I’m not really talking about them to my friends… or even uncovering the fact that I am seeing someone but I struggle to feel proud to be with these men. And I don’t think it’s because of what they look like, but more so because of the treatment or the lack there of. So my question to myself: what does a man have to do or how does he have to treat me for me to feel proud to be with him? 

Looking back on it, I think I was hesitant to put this last one out there because, I knew my circles would never accept him and that mattered to me. Fast forward, I made the right call. 

It's not giving "thique" x Beyonce.

When we aren’t together, and you randomly check in to tell me you love me, I can’t help but wonder is it because you do or did you just finish cheating on me… again? 

Not that you don’t love me, because I hope that you do. But… I can’t seem to be sure. Then I try to comb through all the ways that you do show your love for me… and then…somehow I feel I come up short. 

The love is strong verbally… affirmations, check ins, minute daily consistencies large enough to penetrate a heart but not enough to break a wall. Sporadic investments and acts of kindness warm me up to the idea of being loved, but they don’t exactly drive me “home”. 

I love the things you say and the actions you do, but if something happens that interferes with those daily conversational affirmations, what am I left to go off of? What else staples your love for me even if you miss a few days of good morning texts? Because when you do, I don’t know. I have to convince me because I thought you were loving me good, but i need you to go harder. 

It seems like a small ask, but I know it requires a lot… and I don’t know if I can articulate what that looks like, what it feels like, or if what it requires now is what it will require months from now… but I do know a more convincing sign is in your willingness and follow through to try. 

Damn… I thought you were loving me good but please love me harder. 

What do I hear when he says “tell me you love me”? 

Commit to caring for and about me… be my friend. Be a safe place for me. Be involved in my life, my feelings, my dreams, my emotions… invest in me, be willing to help me… with everything. Let your heart become mine and hold mine with the most precious care. Envision a life with me. Plan to create or merge your life with mine. Always try to make us work for me.  

If you get the vibe someone doesn’t genuinely like you… or if they don’t put forth effort to like you the way you want to be liked… trust it. Something is present that sends you that message… or maybe you do like you, but you don’t value you… want you… idk it’s something other than what it should be… it’s not safe there. 

“Don’t ask me to…”

-J. Sheppard

"Minimal" for a lack of a better word

I’m here to tell you, my friends who want to get out in the dating world so that you may actually find your person, YOU HAVE TO HAVE THESE LACKLUSTER DATING EXPERIENCES. You absolutely do. Because if you do it right, you’ll learn the things you need to know about you.  

So what is this about? 

I am a person that cares what others think. I am a woman who wants the optics. Now I’m not the woman who wants the public’s opinions or even cares for that matter, but when I say the optics, I’m talking about my idea around what it should look like for me. I care that it looks like I have a supportive, successful, and loving partner WHEN I ASSESS the situation. Like… this whole piece is reflective of what I see. Just wanted to clear that up. 

But I am a person who cares what the people in my life, who I value, think. So my family and my friends… I care what they think. I care that they feel the man I’m with is a worthy man. It’s not a nonnegotiable, but it does affect me. I can love without their approval but it would make me feel safer with him if I had their approval. But it’s not a nonnegotiable. 

So what’s happening? 

He flaked on our date… I’m honestly assuming he overslept while simultaneously praying he didn’t die overnight. (That’s happened to me before too so… it’s a real panic now). But if it’s a case of “babe I overslept… my alarm blah blah blah” on an objective note, I totally understand. I know him VERY well. Heck I know US very well. I think it was over zealous of us to commit to a breakfast date on the one day we get to actually sleep in given our normal schedules. But I didn’t think it was impossible. My alarm went off and for the first 8 minutes I really went back and forth in my head too like “I don’t know if I want to go bc I really just want to sleep in”. But he was my “baby” (smh. yeah i know. yall know i cringe at pet names)… and if we were committed to loving each other, sacrificing to maintain the commitment was what we were supposed to do. So I rolled over… alone might I add. But that’s another problem for another time.

It’s honestly a trivial matter in my eyes when I pick it apart. It doesn’t have to be a big fight. It doesn’t have to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. (Is that the saying?) It is a forgivable offense. It is something love and grace can cover…. Because real love covers a multitude of sins. We could fight it out and make up and keep moving forward which I also haven’t ruled out… 

SO WHAT’S THE PROBLEM J?! 

Aside that I’m growing sick of his mess because you begged me back and now I’m here. What’s different? But the other side of that is my ego and pride. I’m Jelina Latrice Sheppard, why would you think you could be lazy in how you handle me? I’m a great woman, I’m financially stable, I’m anointed, I’m pretty, educated, funny, my booty fat, and my vagina and THROAT good. The hell? If I’m on your line, WAKE THE FREAK UP. 

But yeah, essentially I fear this man is not good for my ego. Is that a thing? Do we need to connect ourselves to people who are good for our ego and/or self esteem? Because if my friends knew the situation, they would be upset and talk trash about him and associate him with the “aint shits” in the world women tear down in their group chats. But it hits different when the piece of specimen is your man lmao. Well… not my man but maybe my man. Bc I been no face no case since ‘12. Y’all can thank Chucky for that.

I could’ve easily went on with our relationship and no one know about this moment. And that was the plan. I left for our date, he didn’t answer, so instead of going back home having to answer to the “why you back so early?” and “he messed up again didn’t he?” looks, I run some much needed errands and spend an hour at target writing this post. 

The truth is, I keep him hidden because just like my exes, I worry people won’t respect him being my choice. I worry he doesn’t fit the expectation. And I worry once it’s out for the world to see, they will see the truth I try to find my way around. 

And what’s that? 

He doesn’t deserve me and he’s careless in how he handles me. I think he wants to be with me, I just don’t think he can afford to be with me. Money aside because I know he has some… I’m talking about the other things one has to be able to give in order to have me. The truth is, I don’t think he can. I don’t think he CAN when it comes to being my man. Even though I want him to try, I don’t think I believe he can holistically. Jesus, I don’t believe. That’s the real problem isn’t it? Lack of faith?

But because I don’t want to face the fear that waiting for what you truly deserve could result in dying alone, I (and so many others) settle for the lack of effort we in turn view as minimal effort; when really, a lack of effort is just that. And instead of honing in on that “lack”, we choose to cling to the “minimal”; because somewhere in this screwed up “this is man’s world”, something is supposedly better than nothing. 

Damn ain’t that some shit. 

 I should write a book titled that full of collective “damn aint that some shit” short stories. 

Sorry mom and dad. Excuse the colloquialism… it adds texture for the culture…