With Love, J. Sheppard

In Your Dream, Where Do I Fit?

jelina sheppardComment

i'm in a room that looks like a meeting ballroom at a hotel, and there are boxes stacked around the room and chairs all over the floor. it's like an emergency townhall meeting has been called based on the lack of order in the seating arrangement. everyone is sitting where they want, except me.

i'm the only person in the room standing and as he’s mingling and interacting with everyone else in the room, we see each other and instantly light up with affection. he comes over to greet me, and i’m looking around the room impressed by how impactful he's been to have so many people have shown up for him… we see it, stare in awe, and then hug deeply; and while being held, i let out this deep sigh… because it felt like rest for the few seconds i was in his arms.

we let go, and he looks around to see if he can find me a seat, but i guess i got there too late or something because there were none left… or maybe he ran out of chairs.

but then he looked in one direction in particular and there is someone in a seat but they weren't taking up all of the chair. in fact there was enough room for us to share… so he leads me over and says “sit right here i'll be right back.”

so i try to sit, and only half of my right thigh and a quarter of my juicy booty can get in the chair. the lady possibly could've moved over or shifted some, so we could've maybe both fit equally in the chair, but, that's not what either of us was really trying to give.

so, i sit for a while waiting for him to come back with the chair, but i look up and he's been pulled by something else in the room and he's busy working on it. no harm no foul and i remember just looking at him in admiration… like that's my booboo. and while i was a very proud honeydip, i was also a very uncomfortable one at the same time.

one of the legs on the chair started to bend and we became unstable… and she looked at me nervous like, "are you gonna get up?" and me being me, not wanting to fall or be embarrassed by not having a seat to begin with, i get up thinking, "oh it's okay. i can just stand."

and i could… but after a while, my feet in dolce and gabbana, started looking back at me like, “girl what are we doing?” so, then i thought “i can sit on the floor” but, with so many people in the room, he never would’ve been able to look around and see me in the midst of everyone else because i would’ve been lower… and the floor is where feet walk. surely i didn’t want to be on the level people walk over. and plus i looked too good to be sitting indian style in a white dress…

so, eventually, i look around and i couldn’t find him anymore, and without him present, i’m starting to feel out of place. so i make an attempt to slip out the front door of the hotel because i didn’t think he’d notice or even remember i was there… but after i get out headed to my car, he runs out, calls my name, and like in the classic love jones film, it’s raining now.

and we come back to each other but neither of us says anything. we just smile in the rain and hug… and during this whole rain thing, Mariah Carey is playing and just repeating “never too far away” from the glitter soundtrack… and we just look at each other and there’s this feeling of agreeing to “know”.

what did we “know”? i don’t know because we never spoke and then i woke up… but once i opened my eyes all i felt was “he doesn’t have room for me”…. and then i felt sad.

so many more words and thoughts but… im late for lunch.