I’m here to tell you, my friends who want to get out in the dating world so that you may actually find your person, YOU HAVE TO HAVE THESE LACKLUSTER DATING EXPERIENCES. You absolutely do. Because if you do it right, you’ll learn the things you need to know about you.
So what is this about?
I am a person that cares what others think. I am a woman who wants the optics. Now I’m not the woman who wants the public’s opinions or even cares for that matter, but when I say the optics, I’m talking about my idea around what it should look like for me. I care that it looks like I have a supportive, successful, and loving partner WHEN I ASSESS the situation. Like… this whole piece is reflective of what I see. Just wanted to clear that up.
But I am a person who cares what the people in my life, who I value, think. So my family and my friends… I care what they think. I care that they feel the man I’m with is a worthy man. It’s not a nonnegotiable, but it does affect me. I can love without their approval but it would make me feel safer with him if I had their approval. But it’s not a nonnegotiable.
So what’s happening?
He flaked on our date… I’m honestly assuming he overslept while simultaneously praying he didn’t die overnight. (That’s happened to me before too so… it’s a real panic now). But if it’s a case of “babe I overslept… my alarm blah blah blah” on an objective note, I totally understand. I know him VERY well. Heck I know US very well. I think it was over zealous of us to commit to a breakfast date on the one day we get to actually sleep in given our normal schedules. But I didn’t think it was impossible. My alarm went off and for the first 8 minutes I really went back and forth in my head too like “I don’t know if I want to go bc I really just want to sleep in”. But he was my “baby” (smh. yeah i know. yall know i cringe at pet names)… and if we were committed to loving each other, sacrificing to maintain the commitment was what we were supposed to do. So I rolled over… alone might I add. But that’s another problem for another time.
It’s honestly a trivial matter in my eyes when I pick it apart. It doesn’t have to be a big fight. It doesn’t have to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. (Is that the saying?) It is a forgivable offense. It is something love and grace can cover…. Because real love covers a multitude of sins. We could fight it out and make up and keep moving forward which I also haven’t ruled out…
SO WHAT’S THE PROBLEM J?!
Aside that I’m growing sick of his mess because you begged me back and now I’m here. What’s different? But the other side of that is my ego and pride. I’m Jelina Latrice Sheppard, why would you think you could be lazy in how you handle me? I’m a great woman, I’m financially stable, I’m anointed, I’m pretty, educated, funny, my booty fat, and my vagina and THROAT good. The hell? If I’m on your line, WAKE THE FREAK UP.
But yeah, essentially I fear this man is not good for my ego. Is that a thing? Do we need to connect ourselves to people who are good for our ego and/or self esteem? Because if my friends knew the situation, they would be upset and talk trash about him and associate him with the “aint shits” in the world women tear down in their group chats. But it hits different when the piece of specimen is your man lmao. Well… not my man but maybe my man. Bc I been no face no case since ‘12. Y’all can thank Chucky for that.
I could’ve easily went on with our relationship and no one know about this moment. And that was the plan. I left for our date, he didn’t answer, so instead of going back home having to answer to the “why you back so early?” and “he messed up again didn’t he?” looks, I run some much needed errands and spend an hour at target writing this post.
The truth is, I keep him hidden because just like my exes, I worry people won’t respect him being my choice. I worry he doesn’t fit the expectation. And I worry once it’s out for the world to see, they will see the truth I try to find my way around.
And what’s that?
He doesn’t deserve me and he’s careless in how he handles me. I think he wants to be with me, I just don’t think he can afford to be with me. Money aside because I know he has some… I’m talking about the other things one has to be able to give in order to have me. The truth is, I don’t think he can. I don’t think he CAN when it comes to being my man. Even though I want him to try, I don’t think I believe he can holistically. Jesus, I don’t believe. That’s the real problem isn’t it? Lack of faith?
But because I don’t want to face the fear that waiting for what you truly deserve could result in dying alone, I (and so many others) settle for the lack of effort we in turn view as minimal effort; when really, a lack of effort is just that. And instead of honing in on that “lack”, we choose to cling to the “minimal”; because somewhere in this screwed up “this is man’s world”, something is supposedly better than nothing.
Damn ain’t that some shit.
I should write a book titled that full of collective “damn aint that some shit” short stories.
Sorry mom and dad. Excuse the colloquialism… it adds texture for the culture…