There’s always someone you can call for the bare minimum….
So many women spend so much time unsatisfied in relationships, and I hate that for us. I want us to be free from trying to make the bare minimum work for the sake of having less voids.
“A Great Love Is Hard To Find”
- J. Sheppard
Dear Lord,
It would be so easy and self minded to ask you to prepare this man for me, but I understand through your guiding me on what to pray for that I first need to ask you prepare him for you… capture his heart, his mind, and his soul. Draw him closer to you. I ask that whatever he is needing and missing, that he finds it in you. The things I don’t know about, I pray that you cover him and provide whatever is needed. Give him peace of mind and courage in his heart. Let him find favor with you and man. Lead his thoughts and give him your plans and the discipline and accountability needed to fulfill your will for his. Guide him to a life of abundance. Whatever be pleasing in your sight make it pleasing to him. Cultivate the relationship you two have and lead him to the convictions needed to please you.
Amen. 🙏🏾
“It’s never a wasted prayer”
-J.Sheppard
Two sides of a paradigm is a real construct that should be explored. It’s like on one side, you can very much process: cool as a boyfriend but unreliable choice for a husband. And then on the other side you can still feel unready to let him go.
And that’s what this feeling is. Like you’re stuck in between two different paradigms. Two different realities. Two moments in time.
And it’s like, you just wish all of you would pick a side… but you’re stuck in motion. Ready for this whole process to move forward.
We say a lot of things out of emotion instead of commitment. I need to learn the difference.
“… but you said…”
J. Sheppard
I felt a lack but not a loss.
how did you move on so fast?
J. Sheppard
I’ve been watching The Traveler’s Wife on HBO and it has been a completely eye opening experience. Very introspective. The show is great but the nuggets are tastier.
When we met new people, the greatest investment you can give yourself is to date on the offense. Thanks CC for the lesson. I say it’s a self investment because every time we show up offering our best selves with open hands, hearts, and minds, we receive and learn something that I truly believe will be useful in the later relationships or versions of love we’ll experience. My sister once told me she was worried I’d continue giving these men these really beautiful pieces of me and that she just didn’t want me to end up depleted. I mean her concerns were within reasons. I was out here “giving you the best that I got baby.” (Sing Nita).
But… I told her I wasn’t worried because I’ll never be empty. I’ll never be at the end of myself. I give from a source that never runs dry. I believe Jesus has placed his heart in mine and I’ll never run out of love and new/beautiful things to give. And so far that’s run true. But enough about love and back to the offense. Showing up my best self and being open to learning new things is only an investment becoming a better lover for the one that matters. Letting a man inspire me to learn new things will never be a waste.
Today, I made french toast. Not because I love this man, but because I love my son. He deserves good memories and acts of love. Plus, who knows the man I marry might like French toast too… and although the current man likes it, learning how to love him in the grand scheme of things is really just learning and preparing to love the one you’ll spend the rest of your life with. You need the practice. I don’t like French toast but I like him… so I learned to do something he likes.
That’s a takeaway from the time traveler’s wife. The time traveler said that’s what marriage is. Grooming yourself to be what the other needs. I’ve never been married but it makes a lot of sense to me. Not so much changing who you are at your core, but doing things and offering the type of love the other likes… and of course you go for the person who aligns with what you don’t mind giving. (I suppose… again never been married or even close for that matter. I mean there was that one time at twenty but… never mind. It doesn’t count).
I like this man enough… but I love the man I’ll one day marry more and because I love him, I’ll learn what the current wave of hope desires. My learning to make French toast is not about me loving the man I’m seeing. It’s an investment for my future love. Whomever that may be. If it’s this man, okay cool… and if it’s not, okay whew. Lol there is someone that will be worth the growth.
I think at some point there is mind shift that takes place… you start sizing men up with mental questions like
“would he be a solid person to list as my emergency contact”?
If life happens as it does so often and transitions take place, “could I grieve with him?” “Does he have the emotional capacity and relational intelligence to support me through difficult moments?” “Is he patient?” “Is he supportive?”, “does he have the ability to build, expand, grow?”… at some point the important questions start to be at the forefront of your mind. In addition to, “if he loses all his hair within the next ten years, will I still think he’s attractive?”… if his penis stops working, am I prepared to live without it because his personality and character is the type of person I’d want to stay connected to despite any life change?... The beginning questions really speak to his ability in being your companion… the person you do life with…
Maybe that’s what thirty is. Seeing the man’s forest beyond his trees. Looking for the traits that support your beliefs around him being worth it and you. The trees are looking solid but once you transition your mind to see the forest instead of focusing on the tree in front of you, it’s a good chance you might be alone a lot longer that you hoped for. Your people really have to fit beyond right now. They have to make sense for your future. Inflation just isn’t in economy; it’s also hitting the dating scene. A good man is costly and a great man is… well idk. I’ll let you know if one ever finds me.
The never-ending inflation is taking my good sisters out these days. The same effects apply; you have to spend more to maintain, but its like the value of our efforts aren’t getting us the quality individual we hope to obtain. It’s like saving $250 a month in an investment account, only for you to have made $300 in interest by the first anniversary. It’s giving “the math aint mathin” and men are seeing their worth [i mean kudos to them] and really hiking the price of reciprocity up these days. It’s giving gentrification and New York’s apartment pricing/square footage. They look good… the social media presentation looks verified… and the verbal content is doing numbers… but when you really take the time to get to know the man behind the content…. Just wow. I acknowledge the same is definitely said for women too, they don’t give what they supposed to be giving… and maybe I don’t either… but I’m the type, if you invest in me and communicate, I’ll produce exactly what’s desired as long as it aligns with my purpose as an individual and God submitted woman.
Anyways, this isn’t about me. It’s about praying to find someone that can help you produce a healthy forest. Someone said the trees we plant today are the forests we enjoy tomorrow… and a seed is a forest inside out. If our relationship consists of two trees, and our actions/decisions are the seeds, the future is nothing more than the forest we build. The next question becomes, what type of tree do I need and can survive being planted next to… but that’s a whole other bag of burritos under the hood.
“I think it’s totally wonderful when two hearts find each other again after not being able to get their love off the ground… but the rebuild, the healing, and the reconnect has to be the priority. Otherwise you’re just chasing cars.”
- Getting Back Together Is A Waste If You Don’t Have A Plan…
J.Sheppard
I’m roughly two months shy of thirty and the last two quarters have been intense. It’s like all the moving parts are starting to settle. If it was a dream, I’m at the bottom of the ocean and before, as long as I moved or swam, the items around me would move within the water not fully making their way to the bottom. To keep them from settling, I had to move… but here we are two weeks from 2022 and my year finally has a break… a time to be still. Sunday evening was my last engagement and when I went to bed I was still moving… when I woke up, I was still. I woke up and the boxes were all the bottom of the ocean floor. It got dark and I now have to unpack. Not gonna lie, 30 is really beating my ass. (Yeah, I curse… but not to be disrespectful or distasteful… but to paint the picture).
Anyway, earlier this week I had a wonder. I question myself all the time because I don’t think I can afford a quality therapist… maybe I can but the thought of finding someone to unpack me is overwhelming, so I don’t try. The question my inner self asked:
If you had to pinpoint a moment where trajectory shifted, what would the moment or time period be?
Me to me: 15.
I’m not sure why I chose that moment, but that’s what sticks out. I started having sex, I fell in love, and met Karter’s dad. It doesn’t really have much more to it than that. I think this is where the therapist would come in with more follow up questions that I don’t have. I just know that’s when direction was defined. Could the direction have been God ordained or permissible, I have no way of knowing. I just know that’s the defining moment. I was a few days short of turning 16 and I got a car. If you are into dreams and symbolism, you know cars have such an intense meaning in the Christian world. Anyway… I’ll revisit that once my inner self has more follow up.
I’ve been really emotional this week. I do my best to grieve well when I have the time and that’s one of the boxes at the bottom of the ocean. How do I know? I went to church Sunday evening and all was well. Pictures and videos have a way of taking you back though. We lost someone very important to us this year and I cried but I’ve also avoided. I do that a lot with death. I remember but I avoid. I send them across the world to a place I can’t afford to visit and conclude the disconnection is because we’re too busy to keep in contact. I think after Khristina, it just made it easier to accept and move through because life happening… is normal. So… that’s my thing. In a work meeting, somehow it came up in general conversation and my coworker alluded aloud, you’re avoiding it and you need to go to therapy. In my mind, who the hell are you to tell me how I process is incorrect. I’m not sure if her perspective is rude but at the very least, it is a perspective. I don’t know where to start with that avoidance thing, but… I’m talking about grief because I’ve spent so much energy and time trying to accept that maybe I skipped a step. Or maybe it’s all the process of grief. I’ve endured denial, trying to correct it, and accepting it. I can’t really pinpoint if I’ve allowed myself to feel it.
Therapist Me: How does this really fit within the story?
Me to Me: Well, I saw a picture of some really pretty ladies that I actually do love and like. I think they’re swell, but within the picture, I remembered “that used to be us”. As I cry and write this, I can allow myself to feel. I’m deeply affected but I know eventually I’ll be solid. I really just gotta get past it… but 30 is saying, do the work and take the time now so you can receive what this new decade will bring. Not only did the picture send me back, in the moment of that night, I remember seeing my father’s interaction with them. I wasn’t at all jealous, although I am very protective, I just remembered that corner interaction used to be us. We were Dad’s girls. Now it seems like, Dad is open to having new girls lmao. I’m not sure why that’s funny to me, but it is. I think too if he has new girls, sometimes it makes me feel like I don’t want to be apart… like, if I’m gonna stay one of the girls, this time I’m just gonna be the girl by myself…. Also I hate sharing and that’s another story for another day. The men I love the most always want me to share…. My dads included. whew. Hello Thirty.
Therapist Me: And how does him being open to those other relationships make you feel?
Me to me: Disappointed. Sad. Maybe mad as hell because don’t be ke-keing with nobody else. Screw all that. I am the end all be all and this is where it stops because I stayed… I chose you and you don’t get to choose anyone else. Because if you choose someone else because they chose someone else, I fear you will stop choosing me… and why am I not enough? (I know it sounds really fucked up… maybe even child-like… but it’s honest? Not at all logical or even real. It’s just the moment). But I stayed… and in a sense, I chose this. I chose you, and I chose them, but I didn’t get to choose me. (Hindsight, maybe that was the adult/right thing everyone did. Everyone chose them… and I probably should have chosen me too?) I don’t even know why I’m projecting anger on him… in my mind none of them are exempt. I think they all failed, and not because anyone directly did anything in particular, but because they didn’t make it work. I don’t know the details, I just have pieces… but maybe I’m angry with myself because I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t save it. That’s a trigger for me. I couldn’t save Khristina, I couldn’t save this, I couldn’t fix year 8, I’m struggling to save me, The people I care most for, I can’t save them.
Therapist Me: What do you mean you couldn’t fix year 8?
Me to Me: I think I first felt my heart break when I was 8. I didn’t understand that at the time and maybe that’s why I couldn’t articulate it but also, no one asked me how I felt to even help me understand “heart break”… and “grief”… or “transition”. I was 8 when my parents decided to leave my home church. The place I was literally born into. Long story short, my dad and my uncle didn’t agree. Both were hurt and didn’t have the gall to articulate and fix. I’m okay with that… As an adult, I understand relational and emotional intelligence is not something most people have. You really have to be intentional in understanding and implementing.
Therapist Me: How does that bring us to the feeling you felt?
Me to Me: I was invested. I was committed. I was in love… and one Sunday, it was over. During the service, they made the announcement we were leaving and that would be our last service. I don’t fault either party for the transition. That’s the thing, I’ve always been and continue to be the person that will forever accept and understand people doing what’s best for them. I’ll never fault anyone for that… but at 8, I was hurt and it wasn’t considered. I don’t remember anyone ever considering me before the fact, during the moment, or after the transition. I know at thirty I crave reciprocity. I needed it then. I needed it last year. I needed it this year. It’s apart of my love language…Reciprocity and Consideration. I don’t make decisions without considering all things/ people. If I needed to end the relationship, before I end it, I will work tirelessly to fix it… if that doesn’t work, it won’t be because I didn’t try. The end won’t come without explanation. I also will never shift on the people I love and leave them to work through it… why? Because I don’t shift on the people I love. They shift on me…(now if you’re reading this and feel like I shifted on you, chances are I didn’t love you and you made that up in your head lol). People (that I have no real relationship with) share all the time their desire for me to leave my current church… why would I do that? Where would I go? And if God ever required that of me, I will never leave that man to hurt him or force him to heal without my support. I use that as a small example, but it applies to everyone. I would never just shift on someone without considering them after the shift. I think that’s what I’m getting at. Khristina shifted on me (I do understand she didn’t have a say) but the feeling is still there. Whether valid or invalid… it’s real. Maybe it’s not her, but the other friends… they shifted and didn’t consider me afterwards. I was alone… they had each other up the street, but I had no one… until I had “the girls”. And in their defense, or in my consideration of “the crew”, I accepted we were all broken and young. No one really had a clue… including me. So there is not fault there, just… process. Back to “the girls”, the cycle continues except now I’m Khristina (Jesus please spare my heart and don’t let me die…. I got a whole son). They shifted on each other and didn’t consider anyone else except themselves beyond the shift. Again, totally okay to put yourself and your needs first in the decision process. Just not okay, to not consider everyone involved beyond the decision you will make (this is my opinion. Even if I know you will hurt, I will make my decision doing a thorough analysis and conclude the consequences are things I’m prepared to handle). Honestly, I’m not mad at anyone… I accept it. I genuinely do, and if this sounds harsh, it’s really just “process”. Doing the work to process the last couple of transitions while also understanding myself. Anyway, back to year 8. I accepted my parents making the decision they did, but I was hurt… and I felt like they didn’t consider me beyond the decision. I had to filter, feel, and learn by myself. At 8, I don’t know what grief is… I don’t know what transitions are, I don’t understand sadness in the aspect of brokenness. If I did, I would have healed properly. What I do know is, that moment had me always accepting and moving, instead of truly processing and learning. That moment had me giving consideration in every relationship and ignoring I was to be considered… if nothing more, I was to consider myself if they didn’t…. And to this day, I struggle with taking the time to really think about my needs and how I will feel. Instead I focus solely first on others when I’ve needed to learn the moments to prioritize myself.
I never make a decision without considering all parties involved beyond the decision. I think about how they will feel if I shift and how they will move forward. I hope my shifting will never set a person back. I hope I never move in such a way that makes it harder for those I’ve loved to move forward and to heal properly. Finally! I’ve gotten to the “thing”. Was that the lesson I was to learn from these cycles? Because there have been many… I didn’t even touch on my intimate relationships. I’ve taken sometime to let those niggas live. I loved them, but I don’t love them. I chose the people I’m still very much committed to because hopefully, if they read this, they don’t take offense but understand me better and love me more. I know none of the decisions made were to hurt… they were made out of self survival and learning curves. I accept that… honestly, this wasn’t about them. It’s about me understanding me… and swimming back to the surface. (See… me considering them when this moment is definitely about me.)
Therapist Me: (looking pleased) I’m glad we’ve made room.
Me to Me: Me too… I still have work to do, but I mentally, physically, and emotionally have room. Shit, it’s about to be 2022… and I’m turning thirty. Let’s get this new…
Fear.Sometimes it’s a very helpful thing that keeps us from harm.But many times it’s an inner voice and barrier that keeps us stuck.-Henrik Edberg
I think this week I peaked in fear. It took me some time to process what I’m feeling but at 1:54am I can finally put words to it. I’m scared. God I’m so scared… or maybe I’m brave because with legit concerns I’m still putting one foot in front of the other and attempting to move forward. I’m scared about this career thing. I’m playing the waiting game and potentially about to move higher in my career. This opportunity could really set the tone of my 30s and this next decade of life… more financial security but also maybe a fresh start in a new location. I’m shaking in my boots because man I hate moving. It’s top 5 worst adult responsibilities. Then, I could be having to convince a nine-year-old that a new move farther away from his family and friends is the best thing he’ll ever do, but what if it’s not? Mind you, I have no idea if I have the job and/or if I’m going to relocate. Just the unknown… not really knowing what’s going to happen. I know whatever happens it’ll be orchestrated by Jesus but still… have you ever let God have his way? The scariest thing ever.
The thing about fear is that if you don’t resolve it quickly, it’ll spill over into other areas of life and sure enough, someone forgot to turn the faucet off. Relationally I’m unsettled… maybe I have no reason to be. Maybe things haven’t changed… or maybe they have but is that cause for alarm? Are things “changing” and things “evolving” synonymous? Because if so, then, this is supposed to evolve right? Lol. I’m asking a lot of questions because I legit have no clue right now. I’m so afraid of a lot that I can’t clarify. Regardless of how things “change” and what they “evolve” into, it’s taking its natural course of action. It’s not the path that terrifies me, it’s the details of the journey that have me spiraling. What I’m afraid of might not be real, but it didn’t stop me from being timid in the moment. I couldn’t be open and vulnerable… I couldn’t connect and “I ount like dat.” Truth is, he doesn’t and did not deserve it, but I couldn’t get out of my head to really enjoy our time together. I have some fears concerning him, but I needed to be honest with me before I just let myself have verbal diarrhea. What is the real issue?
It’s not “is there someone else” … because you can tell me it’s not a million and one times but if I don’t say the real issue, this insecurity will become a real thing and create a new path of evolution. It’s not how busy you are because for the last three weeks I was unavailable and it’s not hard to believe you’d really wait for me to take care of my business because I’m worth the wait. It’s not any of these things.
Unmet needs are buried beneath immature insecurities.
None of these things are real. Other people aren’t real. Lack of interest and attraction aren’t real. Dis-connectivity isn’t real… especially when we’ve connected daily in some shape or form. My fears aren’t real. What’s real is that I’m in this place of not knowing and transition and it’s scary to me. I’m afraid. So… during this time, what is it that I need or want? More reassurance than normal. More affection and to be held for a little until I feel settled to get through the night. I probably need you to overly respond because I’m worried at what point do you transition away too? Just a bunch of foolishness right now but I want you to entertain it because you care for me.
Will I say all of this? Probably not because I’ll fumble over my words and maybe “I’m scared” is enough for you. You might not need an explanation; you might not care to understand in the moment. Maybe it will only matter to you that you make it better… business minded people tend to jump to solutions. I think that’ll be enough for me… that you take the moment to ease my fear. But I’m a 29-year-old grown woman, what I look like coming to you and saying, “babe I’m scared, can you hold me?” Lol. The foolery!!!!!! I can hear you clear as day screaming “pride” and maybe I am prideful. Someone said “it’s not do I got a nigga? Do a nigga got me is the real question?!” and I just…….. do you got me?
…and immediately I just rehearse the infamous “I can”. Not asking for what we need is a trauma response and how often do I act out of my trauma? You haven’t exactly made it clear that you’re here to right their wrongs so… I’m not comfortable asking you to be there for me but that’s all I really want, for you to be there for me.
Oy vey…. This tew much. Ugh, I hate the strength and power men have. I wanna be enough for me and truth is, I am. But if I don’t get past my fears, I’ll become stuck never allowing myself to have more than what’s enough.
I play these hypothetical scenarios all the time in my head. Today’s conversation was triggered by a complete stranger who saw me in a store. After a few glances and a wave, he came over and immediately introduced me to his situation… not himself. I have no clue what his name was and I don’t think he asked me mine. Pretty much, he wanted to come say hi and introduce himself but he also didn’t want to overstep because he is and I quote “in a situation between his soon to be ex wife and his current entanglement which is on the rocks due to his marital circumstances” and chile, I just don’t know. It was a lot lol. I said well thank you for the compliment and your honesty. I wasn’t truly interested anyway, I think I was just open to being hit on because I’m not getting hit on if that makes sense. But nonetheless, it made my mind wonder and create this hypothetical thing and this is how it went…
woman: “Are we just having sex?”
man squeamishly: “no that’s not all we doing… we vibing and getting to know one another. Why? What do you want?”
Now woman could easily lay it all out. Her expectations, her desires, the quick remedy to fix whatever is causing their thing to be on the rocks. Woman feels exhausted coaching men through her game only for them to blow it in the 4th quarter or worse, forfeit the game.
woman: I want to not have to want.
man: you don’t wanna have to want what?
let me translate that for you. What she means is, she doesn’t want to have to want whatever it is she wants from you. If there is something you want it’s because you don’t have it seemingly. So if she wants dating, she wants you to want to date so it can just be “naturally, we’re dating” and not “we going out to this place because I initiated it…”. If its affection she wants, it’s because affectionately she’s starving outside of sex. She’s wanting in an area and if she’s trying to accustom herself to a life no lack, your connection is keeping her tied to what she’s breaking free from. Honestly sir, I think she just wants to know you want her and not just she wants you. She probably wants the connection to feel as natural as the sex…
woman: normally I’d lay it out there for you. I always directly communicate but if it’s okay, this time I don’t want to do the heavy lifting. If it matters to you, you’ll figure it out whatever it is.
woman rolls over to let him know she’s done with it. This isn’t a good sign because that means if he does then great, but if he doesn’t, then she can wash her hands with it. He’s at the tip of the plank with her… she’s gonna give him back to the fish or the two of them will sail the ship forward.
Alexa cue The beautiful ones by Prince.
I did something today that was… progressive for me. it was scary… or at least everything that fell from the sky after I logged off felt that way. Processing is becoming more intense the older I get. I’m not sure what’s happening with time right here lately, but everything seems to be coming back-to-back for me. There is always something for me to feel, understand, and synthesize. I would say it’s overwhelming but maybe in a good way. I feel blessed in a way to be so in tune with life. Aerosmith said, “I don’t wanna miss a thing” and yeah, I don’t. The good things, the hurtful things, the surprising things, the hard things. I don’t want to let any more emotions, feelings, and memories slip through my fingers. Maybe it’s the coming-of-age thing but I’m starting to truly value the moments. I might be late to the party but nevertheless I’m here.
I also realized one of the shifts I’m in is moving into a new decade of life. I can now say, I was a best-selling author by age 30. Isn’t that wild? Whether or not millions of people know my name, I hit a milestone and became a best-selling author. I think that’s amazing for me. Going into my new decade, I’m reflective. I’ve done some truly crazy and dope things. I’ve gone viral, accomplished almost all my personal and professional goals, obtained a master’s degree, published three books, visited some beautiful places, met some really cool people… not to mention before I complete year thirty, I may have my face on the channel Starz. I also managed to raise an amazingly dope kid. Nine years so far and I don’t think I’ve traumatized him. He’s been afforded some wonderful opportunities and I’ve done that as a single parent. My village has been extremely supportive, but without the most important piece, I’ve managed well. I still have nine months left before my 30th year is complete. What else will God do to jumpstart the new phase of life?
I’ve pivoted within my career and one way or another, I will be beginning something new. My prayer is that 30 begins with an annual $20k + increase and more creative opportunities to really do this bgv thing. Idk man. I’ve lost a lot in my 20s. Jesus, I’ve grown so much but I shedded a lot along the way. I can’t tell you how hard and how much I’ve grieved things and people. I sowed a lot of tears and I think this next decade I’m going to reap more joy than tears. It’s like I’m excited but man, I’m scared.
Navigating this next decade is so much more than finding my way through thirty. I always wonder what else is there? I pray God continues to blow my mind with the highs and is always there to hold my hand through the lows. I want to love harder, love more open, and love freely. I can’t wait to walk into this next version of who He’s destined me to be. I have some chapters that had endings that didn’t make sense to me then, and I’m hoping now is when I get to understand.
I want to remember this moment… what a time to be alive.
The question I then posed was, lol are you investing in me? with an unalarming side eye. The building block for honesty went like this:
“I can”
I know you “can” too, but “are” was the question and “am” is definitive…. “Can” leaves it up in the air. But when or if you make your decision, you’ll let me know. I won’t press it.
“I respect that”
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I respect you too.
With the signal of I still accept you in the form of an eye roll and a kiss to set the tone of regardless what happens and no matter how hard or intense it may be, transparency and vulnerability are valued here. Safe spaces are cultivated and regardless if it’s secured, I want my relationships to be safe.
So… here we are present moment. How did I manage? I’m overly analytical so that “I can” played with me. I dissected it and tried to synthesize it (hindsight, maybe I should’ve just stuck with analyzing it, but I’ll give you the summary later). What I got was on one end of the spectrum, worst case scenario, you didn’t want to give me a direct no because rejecting someone is never an easy thing to do when you know they’re a good quality person. So, “I can” was an indirect “no, I’m not investing in you which means no, I guess I don’t like you as much as we thought”. Which furthermore leads to, I don’t like you, but I like the benefits of coloring with you. (That’s sobering). The other synthesis (best case scenario), “I can” means there is a part of you that is willing and maybe would like to. “I can” meaning you haven’t given into that part, or it hasn’t taken over the rest of you to result in you making the conscious effort to invest in me… or truly acknowledge that you do like me beyond my creativity.
Either way you synthesize it, analytically it’s still an indirect no because it wasn’t a clear yes. Maybe that’s the lesson I’m supposed to apply here. I wrote in my book about how a lot of times people are in these relationships that leave them “foggy” or unclear about what it really is. You know the situationships where we act like we together but as soon as something you do doesn’t align with what I thought, you hit me with the “but we not together” type thing? That’s what I mean when I say foggy. Don’t let anyone sell you a dream and don’t you sell yourself one either. Now, a vision? I might would allow you to accept that because with a vision comes a plan.
Anyway, getting away from my shameless plug, maybe the lesson I’m supposed to apply here is how to stay clear. Keeping a firm perspective using logic while allowing myself to feel my emotions. I’m high key proud of me! I mean I still might get hurt messing with this, but at the same time, I’m CLEAR enough to acknowledge that lol. So it won’t come left field.
How to stay clear is by learning the difference between a direct yes and an indirect no. Whether or not they mean yes, if they don’t consent directly, it is a no. Just throw it in the pile of indirect no’s until you can move it to a direct yes. Do not pass go, don’t collect $200. Just stay right where you are or end the game. Pay attention to what is said/done and what is not said/done.
Also this is random, but a love hack. A person will show you how they want to be loved most times in the way that they love you. That doesn’t apply here but I just wanted to get that thought out.
Anyway, here’s to staying clear all 2021. I hope you get an “I am”.
Areatha Franklin said chain of fools and she was right…
until you come back to me is not the move sis.
I love dogs right, but the level of responsibility one has to put into caring for one is a lot. Some people are dog lovers and getting up early to walk them, spending money on gifts and food, investing in their health, and literally managing their shit is worth it to them.
Afterthought, in dating this holds true. For some, the investment that comes with you isn’t worth it. Like I want a Great Man excuse me, Dane because they’re sooo beautiful, but the truth is, I don’t wanna have to manage the investment at this stage of my life. Often times, that’s what happens in the dating world.
Back on topic, Max has been with me two days and it’s been an adjustment. Day 2 started with him waking up early due to his red rocket… I imagine his wailing is what I did internally the last two weeks. I don’t have a rocket, but boy have I been waking up to my own explosions. If I had a rocket, you would know every time I was ready to take off. This isn’t my dog but some of his behavior has me wondering… this afternoon I let him roam free around my nicely clean home. You know what he did? He piddled around the house a little, then went back upstairs to sit by the door. Just wagging his little tail and I guess waiting…. Or at least that’s what it looked like.
Sure, he could’ve just been looking out the door enjoying the view because he’s a dog, right? Maybe he’s not that calculated… Nope. He was waiting. I know waiting when I see it because that was me today too. When I stood up, so did he and he didn’t move from that door which lets me know he was waiting on me. He wanted to go outside and I wanted him to come inside. Semantics… but it’s one in the same.
Waiting by the phone for a jawn you like is aggravating as phuck. My door was my phone and if who’s a good boy?" was a person, man… today that was me. Face Palm. I’ma leave the door open isn’t as good in real life as Paak made it seem. The weeks have been rough and I think I just wanted some time away from real stuff. That’s really it. Things seem really transactional these days but I got reallyyyy good credit so… anyway. I’ll write about gender transactions later. But yeah, dating Barack Obama isn’t so easy when he has his eyes set on the presidency… and in this case I don’t even feel like Michelle. I know you wanna doggy this thing but sir my name is NOT Bo.
So, words to someone’s daughter, don’t let somebody’s son turn you into no dog. You aint no yoyo.
Sounds simple enough.
“When I don’t pay attention to my feelings, I tend to put up with situations and people longer than I should…”
Honestly, I feel like internally I’ve been taking a lot of jabs. It’s like the accountability and self-awareness won’t let up. My head starting to hurt, my stomach in knots and I’m feeling super nervous?? I haven’t eaten yet either so… maybe that’s it and also Whitney is over here screaming about good love and I just had to turn her down because…. A lot? But I’m at a sensory overload.
I love that I get to see me and grow and mature, but I want a breakkkkkkuhhhh. I just want to lay down and take a nap because I’m now becoming emotional and that’s something I don’t do often… “emotions”. Maybe my period is about come on?
Me to Me: Alright J, get to the point. You doing a lot of rambling. The avoidance is draining you.
When I don’t pay attention to my feelings… when I neglect my feelings, I lead myself to entertaining situations and people longer than I should. It’s taking me some time to really empty the clip today because I’m unsure what the end of this post will result in. I went in for a self-awareness check-up and I thought after unloading yesterday, I’d be okay. I didn’t realize my follow up appointment would be so soon. I guess Jesus figured, if you not gone fast (including social media) then I’ma check you every day with these postings. You’re not gonna get around me developing you. So… day 2.
I’ve always been taught to first assess my hand in anything playing out the way it does. When the milk becomes spoiled, what did I do to spoil it? Did I waste it? Not savor it while I could? Leave it sitting out on the counter? Spoiled milk doesn’t make for a tasteful expresso… or experience. I considered what I could have done to encourage certain behaviors and somehow found a way to repent for my actions. I had some underlying things that needed to be checked… and have been checked. Howeverrrrr, my acceptance of others actions doesn’t and perhaps should not result in me leaving my feelings without consideration. Because her(t) feelings matter too.
Current situation, past situations, future situation…. I tend to try and understand where the other person is coming from… but maybe I should balance that empathy and always choose empathy for myself first because the reciprocity is missing. (If I’m taking inventory and can pinpoint what’s missing, that’s it.) I don’t have to overextend. Whether that is myself, grace, understanding, or forgiveness. I can let it be and remove myself from the connection. It really isn’t fair to me if I choose to understand your side and nurture your reasoning, however valid or invalid it may have been, and the same thing isn’t given back to me. People get to make decisions they feel are best for them and you have to honor that, even if their decision wounds you in the process… but if the decision results in you and your feelings not being considered then it is still your responsibility to consider you and then counteract their decision with one that is best for you. It will probably not be what you want or a decision you want to make, but it is the best for you.
It is always your responsibility to consider you, nurture you, care for you, respond to you. We get, or let me not put that on yall, I get bothered when people I’ve given a level of care for don’t value me. But that is not their responsibility. Affection is felt best when it is not managed or forced. I really can’t be upset that I didn’t get consideration, I can however adjust and act accordingly. It is my responsibility to consider myself and my feelings.
I don’t even think I can get through the rest of this unpacking because I’m really exhausted now. I’m sorry if it’s poorly written… whatever this is, it’s requiring a lot. Key takeaway: consideration and valuing of you is always your responsibility before it becomes someone else’s. You have to decide what’s best for you as they decide what’s best for themselves. You will always be your number one responsibility.
Honestly. Now I’m bout over it lmao. Dang I feel like I was beating a dead horse. Just gotta make sure it’s dead. Whew. I was bout worried. That second wind came just in time.
I saw this thing that my girlfriends were reposting. It pretty much said honor the connections/friendships/relationships etc. that manage well, the moments of dis-connectivity. Now, under normal circumstances, that wouldn’t be a hard thing for me to swallow. BUT THIS TIME…. Baybeeeeee. I rolled my eyes so hard because, I expect the same thing from my girls in return right? However, there is a level of relationship established and agreed upon in terms of commitment and they know me after years of building. So… what had me trying to skip past the IG story that quite a few people were posting.
I didn’t see the situation through the lens of friendship. I saw it with my vagina. One thing about her, baby girl has a mind of her own okay! But no seriously. I owe him an apology… but prideful me is NOT going to go out of my way to apologize to anyone. I should lol, but I can’t…. not with him. Now if the opportunity presents itself for me to apologize for assuming the worst, then I will. BUT!!!!!!!!! Let’s unpack this okay.
So for an extended amount of time, there has been a level of consistency with communicating. Regardless if there was actual conversation, there was some form of communication, SO NATURALLY, at the first break of consistency, by day two I started to prepare myself for the worst or perhaps the inevitable. What is the inevitable? That at some point we are gonna have to be responsible and identify what is happening vs. what’s not going to happen and honestly, I’m not ready to make that decision because maybe what I’ve gathered from him is that it has to end and while personally, I’m in no rush, I want to stay in a place of “if this is the end, then that’s it and don’t hold on, just let this man be on his way.”
Take a breath. I said a lot. You can see the level of anxiety within that run-on-ramble of a sentence.
So…. With the first break in consistency, by hour 48, I was panicking. I know to you guys it seems dramatic but I’ve left out A LOT of details that would support my overthinking. Lmao. As I read this, without me saying the details I REALLY see the error of my ways. However! In my defense…. If you say “I’m laying down” and the conversation began with me checking in to see if I could FT you before I go to bed and your reply is “hey (insert cupcake name here), im laying down”…. TO ME…. that does not say “I’m busy or I don’t want to talk on the phone”. That says, okay I’m laying down…. I’m not busy I’m laying down…. So if a couple of minutes pass and I FT you…. You don’t answer, initially I’m going to think okay, baby sleep…. But by hour 48 when you haven’t hit me back or responded…. Then the overthinker goes into overthinking and trying to understand something you could’ve clearly articulated so that I didn’t have to think for you. (MIND YOU, THIS IS STILL VAGINA REASONING). So… the thoughts went from, he was sleep to I know this nigga up because hello, work…. So maybe his “I’m laying down” is I’m busy. Well if it’s me, if I’m laying down or about to go to sleep or don’t want to talk, I just don’t answer my phone…. Or if I’m sleep I wouldn’t respond… OR IF I’M LAYING DOWN NEXT TO YOU, well of course if someone tried to reach me, I wouldn’t answer them calling or FT’ing me. Again, vaginal reasoning. So, I panicked… because truth is, I don’t know you and you don’t me… we are learning each other. So now, that I’ve had this experience with you, on one hand it’s “sometimes he goes missing”…. And vaginally I have to decide if it’s something I can handle. I’m gathering that maybe you will become an “in and out” kind of guy but truth is, I don’t want to handle that… because with previous experiences, their ins and outs wasn’t truly just taking time for them, it was time spent in other vags. [Sidebar: I really hate having to micromanage men. They’re grown so I hope they will be responsible, considerate, and polite.] Anyway… I don’t know you and you don’t know me, and that’s a level of trust I don’t know if I can extend just yet. He had a reasonable explanation if you’re wondering, but reasonable and valid are not synonymous to my vag. Baby girl want what she want when she want it lol. I’M SORRY.
Now other side, you really didn’t have to fill me in. You didn’t have to tell me what was up, and to this day, you don’t have to explain yourself. You’re a grown man for crying out loud… and that’s something I really do like. BUT, it cannot be ignored that while I understand and support your not having to divulge information, it also says a lot that you wouldn’t consider me before you retreat… you know like “hey babe, I’ma be to myself for a little because I just want to clear my head and spend some time focusing on me figuring some stuff out”…. I know it sounds unimaginable saying that to your vag person but… I mean try it. It would’ve been a situation of me anticipating your coming down off your mountain and back to me instead of me not being able to understand and half way turned off (you can get the other half back though if and when I see you… lol). No I’m totally serious. You made a decision for me and probably feel like I should just understand. I hate feeling forced for the sake of ppl I care for. Allow me to make the best decision with full information instead of pieces. Are you at peace that your actions (although unintentional) were translated one way?
I’m not… but still I apologize. Mental reasoning is that as your friend, I can give room for you to not check in but when you do it’s a reconnect, because I don’t place a lot of expectations on my friends… but my vagina again has a mind of her own and has high expectations. I think the remedy is possibly taking me off the table so that you can have the level of peace, accountability, and freedom you want. Laying me on the table creates a whole other level of expectation that maybe you shouldn’t have to handle.
Here, it’s your turn to manage…
I think about the relationships I didn’t do my due diligence by…. I probably passed up a few good men because I wasn’t willing to cultivate the relationship. Like, I wasn’t in a space to really put forth the effort to discover who I was “getting to know”. In other words, I didn’t really try to know those men. Some I didn’t think were good enough to really know and then others, I was just unable, or I didn’t try hard enough to show up as my best self.
Note: Getting to know someone has become a lost art. We don’t practice that anymore. I think about in the 90s and before, you really had to spend time with people to know them. Someone invented the cell phone, and it has created this level of convenience that’s really inconvenient, or at least when it comes to the relationships I want to develop. Is it a learning barrier or do I just want what I want how I want it? At any point, I’m tired of feeling closer to my messages than I do the people receiving them. I mean honestly! Siri can finish my sentences and she’s not a real person. I want that type of relational intelligence in real life… not artificially. But that means I have to be intentional about spending more time with you than I do my phone. I have to cut out the middleman. WE have to cut out the middleman. I want to get back to the source.
Resources are good but they don’t replace you… the source. Anyway, guess I should get back to the focus of this post.
I’m wiser now and I can honestly say I put forth effort to show up as my best self. I do that because for the men I’m interested in, I’m hopeful they will make an effort to give me their best version. However, the trend over the past few years is, they’re showing up in a state of “need”. I don’t mind right? Because we all “need” at some point in our lives, but man I’m exhausted. I acknowledge the God in me has healing power… and I think that’s what people are attracted to. I just want to be like, look baby, Jesus has what you need, not me. I have healing properties, yes and I can invest and help build… and I DON’T MIND, but love what are you giving back? That’s where the exhaustion comes from. People, givers, will give but become exhausted because what is reciprocated are not things that are beneficial to the giver.
So I’m exhausted. I’m learning that I don’t feel comfortable right now with fragile situations. I’m able to assess and pay attention… discernment and vision have become so much clearer thanks to God. I’m extremely mindful of the type of access people have concerning me these days. I told my work bestie that I’m not running into these types of scenarios, they are literally finding me. (I’ll discuss my logic with that later on). These fragile people are finding me…. and I’m open to certain people wanting to know me, but a lot of times people want to know you so they can benefit from what they’re lacking regarding themselves. And maybe there’s nothing wrong with that, but for me, there has to be a mutual gain for it to be a safe connection.
I think these scenarios are finding me to teach me how to be at peace with saying no to those things that serve me no purpose. Learning to walk away the moment I realize it’s not safe, and the moment I understand the things I want are unable to be produced by the environments I find myself in. I haven’t grasped that skill yet. I have so much more to offer outside of healing.
I want to connect with those who are going to show up as their best selves because that’s what I’m giving… even if it’s not enough, it will have been my best.
… “yeah girl, me too.”
“You want some coffee?”
No, I don’t need it this morning…
To make a caramel macchiato, you need vanilla syrup, steamed milk, expresso, and caramel sauce. The expresso is poured on top of the milk creating this dark mark on top of the milky foam. In fact, macchiato means “marked” in Italian (which I’m sure he’s gonna leave a few… life altering views). Then you add caramel sauce (or caramel drizzle is what I call it) on top of that foam creating a smooth layer of sweetness and then there you have him. A nice strong cup of coffee that’s just enough sweetness to satisfy my craving, but bitter enough to give me that bite I like. A healthy amount of caffeine (conversation) to stimulate me, all of me, while keeping me alert… He’s not a drug though so it shouldn’t be toxic right? I tell him he’s toxic but just because he feels sooo good it’s exhausting but there’s nothing tired about him. I hate that I’m such an oxy moron at times. Can’t say “I like the way you feel” so instead I just insult you. I think he knows though. I could give up coffee after this… well maybe not give it up because real coffee is too good but so is this grande.
Expresso is not based on the type of bean but it is defined by the process. To make expresso you have to apply a high degree of pressure and macchiato is a walking pressure machine. Without even trying, his presence is definitely felt and unfortunately for me sometimes missed. Yall know I can’t stand missing anybody, that’s ghetto. All in all, I like the way caramel macchiato makes me feel. I imagine it doesn’t matter what kind of milk you use to make your coffee but I can’t help but wonder what type of milk I’m getting with this. Whole or 2%. All of him or…?
Caramel drizzle… can’t forget the sauce. It’s like the balance between a passionate kiss that turns into a gentle but firm bite. Truth be told, the drizzle is the razzle dazzle and while it can’t be duplicated it can definitely make or break the experience. It’s either there or it isn’t, and I’m so grateful he got it. Baby got that “splaah”. Then vanilla syrup is really just what I like… I don’t know why vanilla has always been my favorite flavor, but it is. Vanillia ice cream, vanilla cake… vanilla syrup in this case is just the extra blessing of what Shepp likes. Do I tell Jesus thank you now or wait and see if I’ma need Jesus to heal me back together??? I don’t have a type I just like what I like when it comes to the vibe and macchiato has all the vibes I need…for now. He got favorite potential. It’s definitely going to be a savory experience… I’m just glad I got a nice cup of coffee to keep me stimulated while I ride. Guess this is where I buckle up for safety. Lord don’t let this be no crash dummy test.
“If I have no expectations, why do I think that is? In what ways does hope feel like a risk?”
-Cole Arthur Riley
I have expectations… I bury them deep though… or maybe I’ve learned where to rest those expectations. Not everyone or everything is equipped to handle expectations. I don’t normally do men bashing posts and I hope this doesn’t turn into that, but at some point I have to empty my unmet expectations. It gets heavy not to release. I love men, but yall are really starting to be disappointing. Not all of yall, but whew, where do the “not all of yall” reside because that’s where me and my homegirls are trying to be in 2021.
It’s partially our fault though. I can’t blame it all on the men because ladies, we want what we want. I’ve seen soooo many real things within the last 24 hours that I had to amen. Someone said you can’t love the red flags out of someone, and I definitely felt that. Please don’t try. Just give people the grace to be who they are and when they show up, adapt or leave. Respect it but if it forces you to abandon your boundaries or nonnegotiables, then choose peace and by peace I mean you.
Back to “in what ways does hope feel like a risk”. I don’t feel like it’s safe to have expectations a lot of times. I hate disappointment more than anything and too much disappointment is the number one enemy of hope. That’s the one thing that can break my heart in a million pieces that I’m constantly shielding myself from, or at least I try to. It’s like “Lord please don’t let me be disappointed” because disappointment hurts worse than someone lying to me. It hurts worse than someone cheating on me. It’s a gut wrenching emotion that if I’m not careful could dismantle me but it’s also something that prohibits me from enjoying anything fully. I’ve been disappointed so much that now, I either don’t have any expectations or I call it before hand and do everything I can to prepare myself for the outcome I’ve already created. It’s definitely a learned behavior. My last relationship didn’t hurt because I already knew homie would never measure up. I let him try, but I know a joker when I see one and no spade (expectation or “possible”/hope) I have will ever trump that. If you play spades you know you gone lose that book every time. The only way to trump a joker is to be a bigger joker and it’s a no for me.
Fast forward, dating in 2021 is not really dating at all but that’s an exhausted conclusion so many people have already discovered. Dating isn’t safe anymore…. Better yet people aren’t safe anymore. When I say safe, I mean safe spaces. I can’t get undressed figuratively speaking. It like screwing with the panties to the side. It’s just… confined.
I had someone say to me once, “if the sex is bad are you going to be disappointed?” and in the moment I didn’t know because sex is just sex to me, but now revisiting the question under this context, YES. YES I AM. If the sex (relationship experience) is bad will I be disappointed? yeah, I will be. So it’s safe to say, if my experience with you is lackluster, then I don’t have to get in bed with you to know how it’s gonna be. If you’re giving me missionary only vibes, holistically you’re a no go.
They aren’t open to making sure each person they come across gets a really good experience and you people are boring the crap out of us exciting folks. But I guess the flipside is, like a woman, you’re nasty for the right one. Now in case I lost you, I’m not saying I want a guy to be nasty with me lol. Sex off the table, I’m talking about the man as an experience. I want him to be mind blowing, exciting, safe, honest, fun, and healthy. If relational intelligence is like sex and conversation is like foreplay, you people suck. You want to just get straight to penetration and if my vagina is in fact your goal (please go for the heart, its way better), well….. yeah you’ll never get there without all the other things I like. For analogy purposes let’s go. I’m feeling vivid and baby wanna colour.
Conversation is like fellatio or cunnilingus. Your mouth has sooooo many benefits. Use it… talk to me… not about sex, but about life, spirituality, philosophical topics, real world situations, love, relationships, interests…. Etc. Biggie said “what your interests are, who you be with? Things that make you smile”… and then follow through… Use your mouth to verbalize the plan with the things that make me smile. Bonus if you can make me laugh.
Time… my body responds with time… very rarely will I just come ready. Put your time in. Take time, make time, create time. I don’t care what you have to do, give me time and make it quality. Quality time is one of my love languages. It’s how you’ll always get me to respond… those messages get left on read real quick because yall not following through with this part. Don’t text her to death, make time to show her how you follow through. Do you feel good or do you just sound good? Sex game strong or phone sex is as good as it gets? (Remember it’s not sex literally. Relax saints). She tired of talking on the phone bro. Take her out…
Fingering…. Interlock your fingers with hers… hold her hand. I gotta feel safe, so hold my hand. Hold me. Pay attention to all of me and see how I respond to those advances. I require physical touch because that’s also my love language. I wanna feel safe to touch you and I want to feel safe when you touch me… not the Cheeto stained fingers on a white couch kinda thing but the I just sit on it without thinking kinda thing… how you handle me is what creates safety. Don’t forget to use your hands… you’ll create magic.
Penetrate…. You know the basic knowledge of that word is a penis inside a vagina BUT the word penetrate also means to be fully understood or realized by someone. The bible calls it “being known” when two people engage in intercourse so yes, KNOW ME. I think we all want to be known. Get to know her…. Like really get to know her. Again, sex off the table because it’s still an analogy… but penetrate her. Understand her. Realize how freaking dope she is and act accordingly… unless she too is a missionary only kinda person… then in that case, abort mission. That thing in between your legs is no where near as impactful as those two things in between your ears and rib cage. Your mind and heart can and should penetrate before that thing in between your legs. In fact, this is how I prefer to be done anyway. I like my hearts and minds like I like my phallus. BIG… but if your heart and mind are way vaster than your penis, you will never get any complaints out of me… because that means you have depth and it will be felt every time. The same way you want to penetrate me, I want you to penetrate me just as badly. Women have different openings, so that means you have various ways to open her up. I know for me, I keep a guard up because you’re not gonna just get in without permission because I don’t want to be hurt, but on the other side of those guards, we really just want to be open… we want to feel safe enough to open up. That’s a rabbit’s hole though so let’s move on.
I’m sexually frustrated but not physically... (okay maybe just a little). However, sex is the analogy but it’s way deeper than that and people are missing it. Don’t be a missionary only type of experience. When and if I leave you, I want to have been one of the best you’ve ever had if not thee best. What happened to the men who get off on being great?
(phone rings) I gotta go… greatness is calling. 😜
Lil Nas X….. initially I was infuriated by his action against Jesus… but now that I’ve gotten over my fear (don’t worry I’ll expound in a sec), my compassion has set in. His latest message is abominable but this morning I felt a strong urge to pray for him, like intercede. He’s hurt. There is no excuse for his actions but at the center of him seemingly selling his soul, it’s because somewhere down the line someone convinced him Jesus couldn’t possibly care for him because of his sexual orientation. Someone convinced him hell was where he already was so why not just go with gasoline drawers on? He was wounded and without proper love and instruction, he has hardened his heart toward the love of Christ. If I could talk to Nas, I’d tell him that he deserved to be loved better and that God’s love for him will never end even with this major sin he’s carrying (blasphemy). I would explain to him how his decisions are unacceptable but even with them, it doesn’t separate him of God’s love and that redemption is possible for his soul. Satan can’t have something God has already paid for. Jesus’s blood can cover this entire ordeal. I believe Nas’s desire to love men could have been fed differently. Instead of casting it down, maybe it would have worked better to teach him how to fight it. Just before we cast him away and consider him lost, did we as a body do everything we could to help him? If we did then okay whatever happens, happens. I’m irate with Nas X but even after my anger settled, I still just want to pray for him because this is a chance for God to perform a miracle. That’s where my view is… It’s a real-life example that Jesus will always win, one way or another. He will either win you over or win you under, you really have to decide. You will follow Jesus or… go to hell, but either way, Victory will be his. I don’t consider it to be an enjoyable victory either when he sends people to hell, but victory is victory, nonetheless. Lil Nas X deserves relentless prayer because God can do anything, and I want to see him saved. It’s not our job as Christians to judge people and predict their ending… it’s our job to represent Christ through our actions, starting with love. I’m guilty of this but the rebuke I got was don’t condemn him if you haven’t prayed for him… and even then, condemnation is not mine to give, love is.
Fear produces anger… the example given is when you’re driving and someone merges in your lane, you get mad and if you’re like me, you might grit your teeth to try and hold back the “Wtf is you doing?!” But that rage isn’t the first thing you feel. It’s fear of them almost hitting you without warning and a potential threat of danger. I was angry last week. I started out patient and trying to talk my kid through a process. After the first hour, I looked at him and was triggered. I got scared and I didn’t have my best parenting moment. Anyway, it led to me storming out and taking a moment to cry it out. I felt like crap and was depressed for a couple of days, I’m not gonna hold you. I was so afraid, and the trigger tapped into an insecurity that I haven’t fully overcome. After letting my fear get the best of me, I wanted to hide. No one knew or even knows, but I didn’t want to show my face even though I knew people couldn’t see what I was internalizing. Fear produces a lot of things. When you get angry, try to identify what you’re afraid of because that anger is a result of something that has caused you to fear what’s happening or could potentially be happening. Get to the root and you’ll manage your emotions and situation better.
In regards to fear and anger with Lil Nas, the bible warns us of types of behaviors in the bible in relation to his coming back. The fear was crap, it’s happening which means Jesus is coming soon. He’s sending heavy signs and there’s always this concern that I might not make it… that I might be in a moment of weakness and that’s when he’s gonna bust through the door looking for me… what will I really be doing? So FAR I might be okay but sometimes, I really wonder. Heaven isn’t guaranteed is it? Even when you operate so heavily in His principles, there’s a chance that He could still front on you and be like “nah, baby I don’t know her” DESPITE all the coloring (knowing) we’ve shared. It’s a wild concept. (Now, Jesus is not going to be like that for real, but still… imagine thinking you “know” God in terms of how you live and he don’t know you…. KNOW ME JESUSSSSSS. LOL. I JUST WANNA BE KNOWN. PUT ME DOWN IN THE BOOK OF LIFE PULEEEEEEESE.)
I miss sex… might be the weather changing but it’s heavy. The bees are doing it… it’s a lot of pollenating going on…(even though bee sex is not the cause of pollen lol) I’m just saying I wanna do it too. I miss it… and while this is inappropriate and not relative to the top two thoughts, it’s a thought today. Anyway, I thought about the ones I pretended to run from or push back to enhance the experience. Smh, Niggas didn’t deserve me.
You are allowed to crucify me, but pray for me first.