Fear.Sometimes it’s a very helpful thing that keeps us from harm.But many times it’s an inner voice and barrier that keeps us stuck.-Henrik Edberg
I think this week I peaked in fear. It took me some time to process what I’m feeling but at 1:54am I can finally put words to it. I’m scared. God I’m so scared… or maybe I’m brave because with legit concerns I’m still putting one foot in front of the other and attempting to move forward. I’m scared about this career thing. I’m playing the waiting game and potentially about to move higher in my career. This opportunity could really set the tone of my 30s and this next decade of life… more financial security but also maybe a fresh start in a new location. I’m shaking in my boots because man I hate moving. It’s top 5 worst adult responsibilities. Then, I could be having to convince a nine-year-old that a new move farther away from his family and friends is the best thing he’ll ever do, but what if it’s not? Mind you, I have no idea if I have the job and/or if I’m going to relocate. Just the unknown… not really knowing what’s going to happen. I know whatever happens it’ll be orchestrated by Jesus but still… have you ever let God have his way? The scariest thing ever.
The thing about fear is that if you don’t resolve it quickly, it’ll spill over into other areas of life and sure enough, someone forgot to turn the faucet off. Relationally I’m unsettled… maybe I have no reason to be. Maybe things haven’t changed… or maybe they have but is that cause for alarm? Are things “changing” and things “evolving” synonymous? Because if so, then, this is supposed to evolve right? Lol. I’m asking a lot of questions because I legit have no clue right now. I’m so afraid of a lot that I can’t clarify. Regardless of how things “change” and what they “evolve” into, it’s taking its natural course of action. It’s not the path that terrifies me, it’s the details of the journey that have me spiraling. What I’m afraid of might not be real, but it didn’t stop me from being timid in the moment. I couldn’t be open and vulnerable… I couldn’t connect and “I ount like dat.” Truth is, he doesn’t and did not deserve it, but I couldn’t get out of my head to really enjoy our time together. I have some fears concerning him, but I needed to be honest with me before I just let myself have verbal diarrhea. What is the real issue?
It’s not “is there someone else” … because you can tell me it’s not a million and one times but if I don’t say the real issue, this insecurity will become a real thing and create a new path of evolution. It’s not how busy you are because for the last three weeks I was unavailable and it’s not hard to believe you’d really wait for me to take care of my business because I’m worth the wait. It’s not any of these things.
Unmet needs are buried beneath immature insecurities.
None of these things are real. Other people aren’t real. Lack of interest and attraction aren’t real. Dis-connectivity isn’t real… especially when we’ve connected daily in some shape or form. My fears aren’t real. What’s real is that I’m in this place of not knowing and transition and it’s scary to me. I’m afraid. So… during this time, what is it that I need or want? More reassurance than normal. More affection and to be held for a little until I feel settled to get through the night. I probably need you to overly respond because I’m worried at what point do you transition away too? Just a bunch of foolishness right now but I want you to entertain it because you care for me.
Will I say all of this? Probably not because I’ll fumble over my words and maybe “I’m scared” is enough for you. You might not need an explanation; you might not care to understand in the moment. Maybe it will only matter to you that you make it better… business minded people tend to jump to solutions. I think that’ll be enough for me… that you take the moment to ease my fear. But I’m a 29-year-old grown woman, what I look like coming to you and saying, “babe I’m scared, can you hold me?” Lol. The foolery!!!!!! I can hear you clear as day screaming “pride” and maybe I am prideful. Someone said “it’s not do I got a nigga? Do a nigga got me is the real question?!” and I just…….. do you got me?
…and immediately I just rehearse the infamous “I can”. Not asking for what we need is a trauma response and how often do I act out of my trauma? You haven’t exactly made it clear that you’re here to right their wrongs so… I’m not comfortable asking you to be there for me but that’s all I really want, for you to be there for me.
Oy vey…. This tew much. Ugh, I hate the strength and power men have. I wanna be enough for me and truth is, I am. But if I don’t get past my fears, I’ll become stuck never allowing myself to have more than what’s enough.