I’m roughly two months shy of thirty and the last two quarters have been intense. It’s like all the moving parts are starting to settle. If it was a dream, I’m at the bottom of the ocean and before, as long as I moved or swam, the items around me would move within the water not fully making their way to the bottom. To keep them from settling, I had to move… but here we are two weeks from 2022 and my year finally has a break… a time to be still. Sunday evening was my last engagement and when I went to bed I was still moving… when I woke up, I was still. I woke up and the boxes were all the bottom of the ocean floor. It got dark and I now have to unpack. Not gonna lie, 30 is really beating my ass. (Yeah, I curse… but not to be disrespectful or distasteful… but to paint the picture).
Anyway, earlier this week I had a wonder. I question myself all the time because I don’t think I can afford a quality therapist… maybe I can but the thought of finding someone to unpack me is overwhelming, so I don’t try. The question my inner self asked:
If you had to pinpoint a moment where trajectory shifted, what would the moment or time period be?
Me to me: 15.
I’m not sure why I chose that moment, but that’s what sticks out. I started having sex, I fell in love, and met Karter’s dad. It doesn’t really have much more to it than that. I think this is where the therapist would come in with more follow up questions that I don’t have. I just know that’s when direction was defined. Could the direction have been God ordained or permissible, I have no way of knowing. I just know that’s the defining moment. I was a few days short of turning 16 and I got a car. If you are into dreams and symbolism, you know cars have such an intense meaning in the Christian world. Anyway… I’ll revisit that once my inner self has more follow up.
I’ve been really emotional this week. I do my best to grieve well when I have the time and that’s one of the boxes at the bottom of the ocean. How do I know? I went to church Sunday evening and all was well. Pictures and videos have a way of taking you back though. We lost someone very important to us this year and I cried but I’ve also avoided. I do that a lot with death. I remember but I avoid. I send them across the world to a place I can’t afford to visit and conclude the disconnection is because we’re too busy to keep in contact. I think after Khristina, it just made it easier to accept and move through because life happening… is normal. So… that’s my thing. In a work meeting, somehow it came up in general conversation and my coworker alluded aloud, you’re avoiding it and you need to go to therapy. In my mind, who the hell are you to tell me how I process is incorrect. I’m not sure if her perspective is rude but at the very least, it is a perspective. I don’t know where to start with that avoidance thing, but… I’m talking about grief because I’ve spent so much energy and time trying to accept that maybe I skipped a step. Or maybe it’s all the process of grief. I’ve endured denial, trying to correct it, and accepting it. I can’t really pinpoint if I’ve allowed myself to feel it.
Therapist Me: How does this really fit within the story?
Me to Me: Well, I saw a picture of some really pretty ladies that I actually do love and like. I think they’re swell, but within the picture, I remembered “that used to be us”. As I cry and write this, I can allow myself to feel. I’m deeply affected but I know eventually I’ll be solid. I really just gotta get past it… but 30 is saying, do the work and take the time now so you can receive what this new decade will bring. Not only did the picture send me back, in the moment of that night, I remember seeing my father’s interaction with them. I wasn’t at all jealous, although I am very protective, I just remembered that corner interaction used to be us. We were Dad’s girls. Now it seems like, Dad is open to having new girls lmao. I’m not sure why that’s funny to me, but it is. I think too if he has new girls, sometimes it makes me feel like I don’t want to be apart… like, if I’m gonna stay one of the girls, this time I’m just gonna be the girl by myself…. Also I hate sharing and that’s another story for another day. The men I love the most always want me to share…. My dads included. whew. Hello Thirty.
Therapist Me: And how does him being open to those other relationships make you feel?
Me to me: Disappointed. Sad. Maybe mad as hell because don’t be ke-keing with nobody else. Screw all that. I am the end all be all and this is where it stops because I stayed… I chose you and you don’t get to choose anyone else. Because if you choose someone else because they chose someone else, I fear you will stop choosing me… and why am I not enough? (I know it sounds really fucked up… maybe even child-like… but it’s honest? Not at all logical or even real. It’s just the moment). But I stayed… and in a sense, I chose this. I chose you, and I chose them, but I didn’t get to choose me. (Hindsight, maybe that was the adult/right thing everyone did. Everyone chose them… and I probably should have chosen me too?) I don’t even know why I’m projecting anger on him… in my mind none of them are exempt. I think they all failed, and not because anyone directly did anything in particular, but because they didn’t make it work. I don’t know the details, I just have pieces… but maybe I’m angry with myself because I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t save it. That’s a trigger for me. I couldn’t save Khristina, I couldn’t save this, I couldn’t fix year 8, I’m struggling to save me, The people I care most for, I can’t save them.
Therapist Me: What do you mean you couldn’t fix year 8?
Me to Me: I think I first felt my heart break when I was 8. I didn’t understand that at the time and maybe that’s why I couldn’t articulate it but also, no one asked me how I felt to even help me understand “heart break”… and “grief”… or “transition”. I was 8 when my parents decided to leave my home church. The place I was literally born into. Long story short, my dad and my uncle didn’t agree. Both were hurt and didn’t have the gall to articulate and fix. I’m okay with that… As an adult, I understand relational and emotional intelligence is not something most people have. You really have to be intentional in understanding and implementing.
Therapist Me: How does that bring us to the feeling you felt?
Me to Me: I was invested. I was committed. I was in love… and one Sunday, it was over. During the service, they made the announcement we were leaving and that would be our last service. I don’t fault either party for the transition. That’s the thing, I’ve always been and continue to be the person that will forever accept and understand people doing what’s best for them. I’ll never fault anyone for that… but at 8, I was hurt and it wasn’t considered. I don’t remember anyone ever considering me before the fact, during the moment, or after the transition. I know at thirty I crave reciprocity. I needed it then. I needed it last year. I needed it this year. It’s apart of my love language…Reciprocity and Consideration. I don’t make decisions without considering all things/ people. If I needed to end the relationship, before I end it, I will work tirelessly to fix it… if that doesn’t work, it won’t be because I didn’t try. The end won’t come without explanation. I also will never shift on the people I love and leave them to work through it… why? Because I don’t shift on the people I love. They shift on me…(now if you’re reading this and feel like I shifted on you, chances are I didn’t love you and you made that up in your head lol). People (that I have no real relationship with) share all the time their desire for me to leave my current church… why would I do that? Where would I go? And if God ever required that of me, I will never leave that man to hurt him or force him to heal without my support. I use that as a small example, but it applies to everyone. I would never just shift on someone without considering them after the shift. I think that’s what I’m getting at. Khristina shifted on me (I do understand she didn’t have a say) but the feeling is still there. Whether valid or invalid… it’s real. Maybe it’s not her, but the other friends… they shifted and didn’t consider me afterwards. I was alone… they had each other up the street, but I had no one… until I had “the girls”. And in their defense, or in my consideration of “the crew”, I accepted we were all broken and young. No one really had a clue… including me. So there is not fault there, just… process. Back to “the girls”, the cycle continues except now I’m Khristina (Jesus please spare my heart and don’t let me die…. I got a whole son). They shifted on each other and didn’t consider anyone else except themselves beyond the shift. Again, totally okay to put yourself and your needs first in the decision process. Just not okay, to not consider everyone involved beyond the decision you will make (this is my opinion. Even if I know you will hurt, I will make my decision doing a thorough analysis and conclude the consequences are things I’m prepared to handle). Honestly, I’m not mad at anyone… I accept it. I genuinely do, and if this sounds harsh, it’s really just “process”. Doing the work to process the last couple of transitions while also understanding myself. Anyway, back to year 8. I accepted my parents making the decision they did, but I was hurt… and I felt like they didn’t consider me beyond the decision. I had to filter, feel, and learn by myself. At 8, I don’t know what grief is… I don’t know what transitions are, I don’t understand sadness in the aspect of brokenness. If I did, I would have healed properly. What I do know is, that moment had me always accepting and moving, instead of truly processing and learning. That moment had me giving consideration in every relationship and ignoring I was to be considered… if nothing more, I was to consider myself if they didn’t…. And to this day, I struggle with taking the time to really think about my needs and how I will feel. Instead I focus solely first on others when I’ve needed to learn the moments to prioritize myself.
I never make a decision without considering all parties involved beyond the decision. I think about how they will feel if I shift and how they will move forward. I hope my shifting will never set a person back. I hope I never move in such a way that makes it harder for those I’ve loved to move forward and to heal properly. Finally! I’ve gotten to the “thing”. Was that the lesson I was to learn from these cycles? Because there have been many… I didn’t even touch on my intimate relationships. I’ve taken sometime to let those niggas live. I loved them, but I don’t love them. I chose the people I’m still very much committed to because hopefully, if they read this, they don’t take offense but understand me better and love me more. I know none of the decisions made were to hurt… they were made out of self survival and learning curves. I accept that… honestly, this wasn’t about them. It’s about me understanding me… and swimming back to the surface. (See… me considering them when this moment is definitely about me.)
Therapist Me: (looking pleased) I’m glad we’ve made room.
Me to Me: Me too… I still have work to do, but I mentally, physically, and emotionally have room. Shit, it’s about to be 2022… and I’m turning thirty. Let’s get this new…