I saw this thing that my girlfriends were reposting. It pretty much said honor the connections/friendships/relationships etc. that manage well, the moments of dis-connectivity. Now, under normal circumstances, that wouldn’t be a hard thing for me to swallow. BUT THIS TIME…. Baybeeeeee. I rolled my eyes so hard because, I expect the same thing from my girls in return right? However, there is a level of relationship established and agreed upon in terms of commitment and they know me after years of building. So… what had me trying to skip past the IG story that quite a few people were posting.
I didn’t see the situation through the lens of friendship. I saw it with my vagina. One thing about her, baby girl has a mind of her own okay! But no seriously. I owe him an apology… but prideful me is NOT going to go out of my way to apologize to anyone. I should lol, but I can’t…. not with him. Now if the opportunity presents itself for me to apologize for assuming the worst, then I will. BUT!!!!!!!!! Let’s unpack this okay.
So for an extended amount of time, there has been a level of consistency with communicating. Regardless if there was actual conversation, there was some form of communication, SO NATURALLY, at the first break of consistency, by day two I started to prepare myself for the worst or perhaps the inevitable. What is the inevitable? That at some point we are gonna have to be responsible and identify what is happening vs. what’s not going to happen and honestly, I’m not ready to make that decision because maybe what I’ve gathered from him is that it has to end and while personally, I’m in no rush, I want to stay in a place of “if this is the end, then that’s it and don’t hold on, just let this man be on his way.”
Take a breath. I said a lot. You can see the level of anxiety within that run-on-ramble of a sentence.
So…. With the first break in consistency, by hour 48, I was panicking. I know to you guys it seems dramatic but I’ve left out A LOT of details that would support my overthinking. Lmao. As I read this, without me saying the details I REALLY see the error of my ways. However! In my defense…. If you say “I’m laying down” and the conversation began with me checking in to see if I could FT you before I go to bed and your reply is “hey (insert cupcake name here), im laying down”…. TO ME…. that does not say “I’m busy or I don’t want to talk on the phone”. That says, okay I’m laying down…. I’m not busy I’m laying down…. So if a couple of minutes pass and I FT you…. You don’t answer, initially I’m going to think okay, baby sleep…. But by hour 48 when you haven’t hit me back or responded…. Then the overthinker goes into overthinking and trying to understand something you could’ve clearly articulated so that I didn’t have to think for you. (MIND YOU, THIS IS STILL VAGINA REASONING). So… the thoughts went from, he was sleep to I know this nigga up because hello, work…. So maybe his “I’m laying down” is I’m busy. Well if it’s me, if I’m laying down or about to go to sleep or don’t want to talk, I just don’t answer my phone…. Or if I’m sleep I wouldn’t respond… OR IF I’M LAYING DOWN NEXT TO YOU, well of course if someone tried to reach me, I wouldn’t answer them calling or FT’ing me. Again, vaginal reasoning. So, I panicked… because truth is, I don’t know you and you don’t me… we are learning each other. So now, that I’ve had this experience with you, on one hand it’s “sometimes he goes missing”…. And vaginally I have to decide if it’s something I can handle. I’m gathering that maybe you will become an “in and out” kind of guy but truth is, I don’t want to handle that… because with previous experiences, their ins and outs wasn’t truly just taking time for them, it was time spent in other vags. [Sidebar: I really hate having to micromanage men. They’re grown so I hope they will be responsible, considerate, and polite.] Anyway… I don’t know you and you don’t know me, and that’s a level of trust I don’t know if I can extend just yet. He had a reasonable explanation if you’re wondering, but reasonable and valid are not synonymous to my vag. Baby girl want what she want when she want it lol. I’M SORRY.
hear me, I APOLOGIZE.
Now other side, you really didn’t have to fill me in. You didn’t have to tell me what was up, and to this day, you don’t have to explain yourself. You’re a grown man for crying out loud… and that’s something I really do like. BUT, it cannot be ignored that while I understand and support your not having to divulge information, it also says a lot that you wouldn’t consider me before you retreat… you know like “hey babe, I’ma be to myself for a little because I just want to clear my head and spend some time focusing on me figuring some stuff out”…. I know it sounds unimaginable saying that to your vag person but… I mean try it. It would’ve been a situation of me anticipating your coming down off your mountain and back to me instead of me not being able to understand and half way turned off (you can get the other half back though if and when I see you… lol). No I’m totally serious. You made a decision for me and probably feel like I should just understand. I hate feeling forced for the sake of ppl I care for. Allow me to make the best decision with full information instead of pieces. Are you at peace that your actions (although unintentional) were translated one way?
I’m not… but still I apologize. Mental reasoning is that as your friend, I can give room for you to not check in but when you do it’s a reconnect, because I don’t place a lot of expectations on my friends… but my vagina again has a mind of her own and has high expectations. I think the remedy is possibly taking me off the table so that you can have the level of peace, accountability, and freedom you want. Laying me on the table creates a whole other level of expectation that maybe you shouldn’t have to handle.
Here, it’s your turn to manage…