I think about the relationships I didn’t do my due diligence by…. I probably passed up a few good men because I wasn’t willing to cultivate the relationship. Like, I wasn’t in a space to really put forth the effort to discover who I was “getting to know”. In other words, I didn’t really try to know those men. Some I didn’t think were good enough to really know and then others, I was just unable, or I didn’t try hard enough to show up as my best self.
Note: Getting to know someone has become a lost art. We don’t practice that anymore. I think about in the 90s and before, you really had to spend time with people to know them. Someone invented the cell phone, and it has created this level of convenience that’s really inconvenient, or at least when it comes to the relationships I want to develop. Is it a learning barrier or do I just want what I want how I want it? At any point, I’m tired of feeling closer to my messages than I do the people receiving them. I mean honestly! Siri can finish my sentences and she’s not a real person. I want that type of relational intelligence in real life… not artificially. But that means I have to be intentional about spending more time with you than I do my phone. I have to cut out the middleman. WE have to cut out the middleman. I want to get back to the source.
Resources are good but they don’t replace you… the source. Anyway, guess I should get back to the focus of this post.
I’m wiser now and I can honestly say I put forth effort to show up as my best self. I do that because for the men I’m interested in, I’m hopeful they will make an effort to give me their best version. However, the trend over the past few years is, they’re showing up in a state of “need”. I don’t mind right? Because we all “need” at some point in our lives, but man I’m exhausted. I acknowledge the God in me has healing power… and I think that’s what people are attracted to. I just want to be like, look baby, Jesus has what you need, not me. I have healing properties, yes and I can invest and help build… and I DON’T MIND, but love what are you giving back? That’s where the exhaustion comes from. People, givers, will give but become exhausted because what is reciprocated are not things that are beneficial to the giver.
So I’m exhausted. I’m learning that I don’t feel comfortable right now with fragile situations. I’m able to assess and pay attention… discernment and vision have become so much clearer thanks to God. I’m extremely mindful of the type of access people have concerning me these days. I told my work bestie that I’m not running into these types of scenarios, they are literally finding me. (I’ll discuss my logic with that later on). These fragile people are finding me…. and I’m open to certain people wanting to know me, but a lot of times people want to know you so they can benefit from what they’re lacking regarding themselves. And maybe there’s nothing wrong with that, but for me, there has to be a mutual gain for it to be a safe connection.
I think these scenarios are finding me to teach me how to be at peace with saying no to those things that serve me no purpose. Learning to walk away the moment I realize it’s not safe, and the moment I understand the things I want are unable to be produced by the environments I find myself in. I haven’t grasped that skill yet. I have so much more to offer outside of healing.
I want to welcome scenarios that allow me to be more… have more… give more.
I want to connect with those who are going to show up as their best selves because that’s what I’m giving… even if it’s not enough, it will have been my best.
… “yeah girl, me too.”