“If I have no expectations, why do I think that is? In what ways does hope feel like a risk?”
-Cole Arthur Riley
I have expectations… I bury them deep though… or maybe I’ve learned where to rest those expectations. Not everyone or everything is equipped to handle expectations. I don’t normally do men bashing posts and I hope this doesn’t turn into that, but at some point I have to empty my unmet expectations. It gets heavy not to release. I love men, but yall are really starting to be disappointing. Not all of yall, but whew, where do the “not all of yall” reside because that’s where me and my homegirls are trying to be in 2021.
It’s partially our fault though. I can’t blame it all on the men because ladies, we want what we want. I’ve seen soooo many real things within the last 24 hours that I had to amen. Someone said you can’t love the red flags out of someone, and I definitely felt that. Please don’t try. Just give people the grace to be who they are and when they show up, adapt or leave. Respect it but if it forces you to abandon your boundaries or nonnegotiables, then choose peace and by peace I mean you.
Back to “in what ways does hope feel like a risk”. I don’t feel like it’s safe to have expectations a lot of times. I hate disappointment more than anything and too much disappointment is the number one enemy of hope. That’s the one thing that can break my heart in a million pieces that I’m constantly shielding myself from, or at least I try to. It’s like “Lord please don’t let me be disappointed” because disappointment hurts worse than someone lying to me. It hurts worse than someone cheating on me. It’s a gut wrenching emotion that if I’m not careful could dismantle me but it’s also something that prohibits me from enjoying anything fully. I’ve been disappointed so much that now, I either don’t have any expectations or I call it before hand and do everything I can to prepare myself for the outcome I’ve already created. It’s definitely a learned behavior. My last relationship didn’t hurt because I already knew homie would never measure up. I let him try, but I know a joker when I see one and no spade (expectation or “possible”/hope) I have will ever trump that. If you play spades you know you gone lose that book every time. The only way to trump a joker is to be a bigger joker and it’s a no for me.
Fast forward, dating in 2021 is not really dating at all but that’s an exhausted conclusion so many people have already discovered. Dating isn’t safe anymore…. Better yet people aren’t safe anymore. When I say safe, I mean safe spaces. I can’t get undressed figuratively speaking. It like screwing with the panties to the side. It’s just… confined.
If relationships are equated to sex (which, now a days that’s all most people want at the end of the day), great sex is hard to find.
I had someone say to me once, “if the sex is bad are you going to be disappointed?” and in the moment I didn’t know because sex is just sex to me, but now revisiting the question under this context, YES. YES I AM. If the sex (relationship experience) is bad will I be disappointed? yeah, I will be. So it’s safe to say, if my experience with you is lackluster, then I don’t have to get in bed with you to know how it’s gonna be. If you’re giving me missionary only vibes, holistically you’re a no go.
What’s wild is, a lot of people are missionary only experiences and it’s so discouraging.
They aren’t open to making sure each person they come across gets a really good experience and you people are boring the crap out of us exciting folks. But I guess the flipside is, like a woman, you’re nasty for the right one. Now in case I lost you, I’m not saying I want a guy to be nasty with me lol. Sex off the table, I’m talking about the man as an experience. I want him to be mind blowing, exciting, safe, honest, fun, and healthy. If relational intelligence is like sex and conversation is like foreplay, you people suck. You want to just get straight to penetration and if my vagina is in fact your goal (please go for the heart, its way better), well….. yeah you’ll never get there without all the other things I like. For analogy purposes let’s go. I’m feeling vivid and baby wanna colour.
Conversation is like fellatio or cunnilingus. Your mouth has sooooo many benefits. Use it… talk to me… not about sex, but about life, spirituality, philosophical topics, real world situations, love, relationships, interests…. Etc. Biggie said “what your interests are, who you be with? Things that make you smile”… and then follow through… Use your mouth to verbalize the plan with the things that make me smile. Bonus if you can make me laugh.
Time… my body responds with time… very rarely will I just come ready. Put your time in. Take time, make time, create time. I don’t care what you have to do, give me time and make it quality. Quality time is one of my love languages. It’s how you’ll always get me to respond… those messages get left on read real quick because yall not following through with this part. Don’t text her to death, make time to show her how you follow through. Do you feel good or do you just sound good? Sex game strong or phone sex is as good as it gets? (Remember it’s not sex literally. Relax saints). She tired of talking on the phone bro. Take her out…
Fingering…. Interlock your fingers with hers… hold her hand. I gotta feel safe, so hold my hand. Hold me. Pay attention to all of me and see how I respond to those advances. I require physical touch because that’s also my love language. I wanna feel safe to touch you and I want to feel safe when you touch me… not the Cheeto stained fingers on a white couch kinda thing but the I just sit on it without thinking kinda thing… how you handle me is what creates safety. Don’t forget to use your hands… you’ll create magic.
Penetrate…. You know the basic knowledge of that word is a penis inside a vagina BUT the word penetrate also means to be fully understood or realized by someone. The bible calls it “being known” when two people engage in intercourse so yes, KNOW ME. I think we all want to be known. Get to know her…. Like really get to know her. Again, sex off the table because it’s still an analogy… but penetrate her. Understand her. Realize how freaking dope she is and act accordingly… unless she too is a missionary only kinda person… then in that case, abort mission. That thing in between your legs is no where near as impactful as those two things in between your ears and rib cage. Your mind and heart can and should penetrate before that thing in between your legs. In fact, this is how I prefer to be done anyway. I like my hearts and minds like I like my phallus. BIG… but if your heart and mind are way vaster than your penis, you will never get any complaints out of me… because that means you have depth and it will be felt every time. The same way you want to penetrate me, I want you to penetrate me just as badly. Women have different openings, so that means you have various ways to open her up. I know for me, I keep a guard up because you’re not gonna just get in without permission because I don’t want to be hurt, but on the other side of those guards, we really just want to be open… we want to feel safe enough to open up. That’s a rabbit’s hole though so let’s move on.
I’m sexually frustrated but not physically... (okay maybe just a little). However, sex is the analogy but it’s way deeper than that and people are missing it. Don’t be a missionary only type of experience. When and if I leave you, I want to have been one of the best you’ve ever had if not thee best. What happened to the men who get off on being great?
(phone rings) I gotta go… greatness is calling. 😜