With Love, J. Sheppard

¡Merde! 🤦🏾‍♀️ (I Choked)

jelina sheppardComment

Somewhere along the lines I’ve conditioned myself that my feelings and concerns are not important and that everything that happens for the most part is trivial. I know that has to be one of the hardest things to deal with when dealing with me... especially for the ones that want to care and want to help.

I’ve always been the person to say “let’s focus on your part in the situation and how you can fix you...” or I’ve always been the person to not mull over how something made me feel but rather try and force myself to get over it and be okay. Most of the time it works... but like Superman we all have our kryptonite. I think I’ve found mine... just something else discovered it before I did.

The saying "if it won’t matter in five years don’t worry about it now", or something of that effect is what I reflect on, but what happens when you reflect five years later and realize you’re still affected? Then you start to feel like you’re “too far affected to be resolved”....

It’s pretty complicated and I’m very much complex. The desire and now constant force to be “okay” gets taxing at time. It’s possible I’m so addicted to being “okay”, that being affected for too much time causes me to feel like I’m losing it.

That’s the thing with strong women, we don’t get to be affected... and expressing logical thoughts and concerns in the past has always been responded to as “you’re emotional” or “you’re overreacting”, or “you should just get over it”...shame on you for making us feel as if our feelings don’t matter.

But, they don’t. That’s not to say they don’t exist but they can’t be the most important thing right? Right now I can’t answer my own questions because my mind is too clouded with a lot of different things. All I can do is pose questions.

Somewhere within the last two years, I’ve lost my voice...

In so many different ways I’ve lost my voice.

I have a few cards to play, but perhaps the most important card is the most vulnerable and I do this thing where I protect my relationships with people. I try not to put them in a position to hurt me. I value the relationship so much to the point I try to be very careful about what goes on. People are people at the end of the day, and even with the best intentions they still sometimes hurt you.

My apologies, it’s just I have enough to heal from. So many of us are constantly healing but never seeing ourselves healed.... My plate is full and I don’t want to add our relationship to the menu.