With Love, J. Sheppard

The Prettier (Insecure) Me...

jelina sheppard2 Comments

Once upon a time, there was a guy I was seeing and at some point he was being flirtatious with this other girl… regardless if he ever admits what I knew, I know what I know. Hashtag OKAY? 

Anyway, this young lady was (in my honest opinion) GORGEOUS. Like, I’m not the person who can’t see a beautiful woman, shorty was cute. She was the “cute” most men go for… (men, you can challenge me later, but record shows….. I’m not wrong with this one)…. anyway, she’s beautiful right? Curvy such as myself but a little hippier and hips only, she has very clear skin.... lol like skin so clear they’d use her for the clearasil commercials. Beautiful hair…. like type 3 natural… on a good day and with some manipulation she might get a 4a… anyway, the girl was and still is fine… oh and mixed too… (that’s a whole other conversation the A.A community refuses to have and acknowledge). 

Now that’s not what got me… you ready?????

It was like she was me but in a lighter toned body. She could sing enough….and at the moment when I discovered her twitter (judge me later, the lord HONESTLY put her on my TL one day due to him retweeting her lol, that’s his fault) but anyway, she was PRO JESUS. Like… for a while I thought her ministry was stronger than mine, her voice was more “commercial” than mine due to her looks… everything was JESUS, JESUS, JESUS and I was like "Man, God I been rocking with you for a minute but I’ve never been this way". Like, I mean scriptures, words of encouragement, Jesus type posts, just a real saint. Probably the one I should aspire to be… nonetheless, I never told him this when we argued about her, but I was very insecure about their very real but non-real interaction due to that one thing… not that he was tweeting her and she was commenting on his pictures with hearts and stuff that he wouldn’t respond to… but her designer Jesus outfit. 

Oh wait! Did I mention she was on the “waiting Til marriage” kick that I’ve been about? So in my head, I felt like "she’s a prettier you and how can you compete?" Matter of fact, one of my ignorant male friends told me “Shepp, she's worth waiting for…” and my response was “So… I’m not?” My friend was like “nah I’m not saying that, I’m just saying I’d wait for her and you know I’ma hoe”. So that conversation between a former coworker didn’t make things any better between myself and the guy I was into at the time. 

Anyway, I told myself I wouldn't try to become her or try to out “jesus”/ “minstry” her. I said I would fight to be me and that even if the guy didn’t, Jesus loved me just the way I was at the time. Now… she, this girl, is apart of the reason I pushed and whined as much as I did. WE had other things we needed to work on, but she was the icing on the cake for me. Now I don’t know if they ever slept together or if he was ever more official with her than he was with me, but I like to think I stayed true to myself and didn’t compromise my walk for a relationship. 

Fast forward a year or so, the interactions I saw, I haven’t seen in a minute and disappeared shortly after we cut ties. (That’s not to say they still don’t interact because you know, men are stupid but women are gullible)… either way, a mutual interest of hers and my own brought us back under the same roof one evening and I was like DANG IT JESUS, GIVE ME A BREAK! SHE REALLY IS THE PRETTIER ME. LIKE UGH! Instantly, in an environment I was supposed to be dominating and bossing, that trigger was trying to make fear my defeater. Now, I shook myself off and did my thing but… when I went home, it stuck with me. So… I became Inspector Gadget again… (that was the nickname he gave me that I didn’t deserve) and I checked to see if what I was hoping would pop off for me, popped off for her. Now that idk… but what I did find that I wasn’t looking for was…. 

The over the top Jesus antics were slim to nonexistent… there was profane language… sexual talk… just all the things I didn’t see initially I do now, which made me think either

  1. She was a newbie in Christ who hasn’t solidified her way
  2. It was all a facade… OR
  3. Something’s happened and she needs rescuing because the girl I saw was not the girl I had seen previously. 

I said a prayer for her you know, that God would reel her back in and do what he needs to do to get her back locked in because yeah… I love the lord or whatever but can I have a real moment…

Something said, “She’s not you, J. The relationship you and I have is real and solidified. It’s not budging as long as you stay hungry for me." When it comes to me, the girl is just pretty… that’s not to take away from my own prettiness but she’s a pretty face. I’m sure she has substance but “J, you have layers. There’s a depth she doesn’t have that you do”.

Don’t ever think someone else can out love you in regards to your love for Christ. 

I thought she did and maybe that was the deciding factor as to why the guy whose eye we had didn’t lock me down… do I think he chose her over me? Absolutely, I do. But there’s this reoccurring theme happening in my life lately where the people that chose others over me are realizing they chose too quick and chose wrong. I’m just saying, there were a few windows I could’ve busted and a couple of lives I could’ve taken… Hashtag, no LOL, I said what I said. 

But there is something true and beautiful about “the battle is not yours, it’s the Lord’s”…. So many times we don’t respond the way we want to when we’ve been offended but HONEY, victory done His way is sweet and the best part is, your hands and conscious are clean when he finishes on your behalf. There are no felonies and charges most importantly, but stay true to yourself and anchored in him. He really does have your back and is fighting on your behalf.