With Love, J. Sheppard

The Fear of Being "Needy"...

jelina sheppardComment

I’m not at all needy. I’ve never been the “I need this, and I want that… come do this…” type. I’m not one to blow your phone up when I really want or need to see you. I’m not the one to demand or even ask you to drop everything when something is wrong…. or not wrong. Maybe “demanding” is the word I’m looking for. I’m not that either, but sometimes I wish I could be. 

I wish I had the opportunity to be needy at times. It’s hard always being the strong one, because when you’re strong, people forget to every now and then avail themselves to you. I don’t know what it’s like to be demanding, but

 I can tell you how disheartening it is to always be “accommodating”. 

That’s me. "Accommodating Jill". I do consider this to be a character flaw for me. In all my intimate relationships I’ve been the accommodating one which is why I’ve never ONCE had what I really wanted. I grew up being accommodating because my lifestyle and family dynamic required it (Church brat). My first example in life was to be accommodating in every way possible. Now I’m 26 and I want to experience a relationship of some form (not limited to an intimate one) where I have the freedom to be needy or demanding at times. There's a strong chance I won't be needy even when it’s okay, but to know I have the freedom or choice, and when I take the opportunity I won’t be rejected is dire for me. 

I want to know what it’s like to have someone drop everything just to make sure I’m okay. A list full of things to do but they’ll automatically move me to the top because to accommodate me is important to them. Now because I’m not needy and demanding, the need to be accommodated is few and far between… but I want to be right now. Per usual I’ll do without it, but I wish someone would just make the world stop to avail themselves to me. Truth is, I do need emotional support, affirmation, attention, “I’m proud of you”, “I want to know what’s happening in this area, the good and the bad”. 

Ultimately, I want to be a Priority….

I want to know what that feels like from the other side. I’ve noticed being a priority is also a learned behavior. Self love is where you learn how to be treated by the way you treat yourself. (Invasive questions that I can’t answer: Why do I wish I had this opportunity with a male? Why is this where it matters to me? What do men offer that makes being a priority so important?)

I know I possess the vulnerability to be needy, but I need the relationship where it’s okay to exhibit that type of vulnerability. I hate that I feel like I don’t have that, when the truth is, I do. (Shoutout to Auntie). 

However, the other side to this self transparency is knowing what distraction to watch for. Knowing what I need and want in this moment, I have to be extra discerning and vigilant for individuals that will come and play on this insecurity. When you notice your weak areas, be accountable and strategize proactivity. Weak days are necessary to build your endurance and strength… 

Still. I just need to be needy for a sec. Why haven't you noticed that?