Have you ever known someone that needed a heart transplant and when the time came for them to get the new heart, their body rejected it? Even if the transplant was good for some time, a year or two later, it gave out again? With all the compatibility tests checking out and the heart being in good condition, the body can still reject it. That has to be one of the most disappointing things ever to happen in life. I’m unsure how rare that is, but I know it happens enough. The heart can actually be a perfect fit or a perfect match, and for some undiscovered reason, the body can still reject it.
When the body rejects the organ, what happens? Some people die. Some people continue living in the state that they’re in, never reaching full health, waiting for another heart. J, why are we talking about heart transplants? Well… heart wise I think I’m okay, but there’s something I’ve discovered about myself. I’m gonna shift and when I’m done, it’ll all come together.
Sex. Ever had it? If you have then you know how enjoyable it can be. That is what sin is designed to be. Enjoyable. Well, in the past, I’ve fornicated. (It’s 2018, who hasn’t right?) That’s not the point. I was dealing in sin, fornicating, and while Brian Mcknight had more reasons than I had bodies, it only took one to jack mine up. In contrasting my thoughts and feelings, I realized I want to connect with the right one. I look forward to dating someone new, communicating with someone new, praying with someone new, trips, family meetings, LOVING… everything you can think of, I’m looking forward to doing it.
However, there is one area that I don’t want to explore and that’s the sexual. I came to the understanding that I don’t want to be intimate with someone new. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t want to. Lol… Does that make sense? It's like, I would like to, but at the heart of the matter, I don’t really want to and if I had a choice, I wouldn’t. Thinking about having to be sexually intimate with someone else, makes me sad, agitated, nervous, anxious, and extremely disappointed.
You’re probably thinking when you meet someone new J, it’ll come and with the right one, you’ll be ready. Yeah, well maybe you’re wrong. I know physically I can make myself do it, maybe I’ll even enjoy it, but I don’t want to. I wish I didn’t have to. I used to know one guy that was right enough in that area and honestly, I don’t want to have to experience anyone else other than him. (I told you this was gonna be bad.)
When sin is done right and executed the way it’s supposed to be, the lasting affects are hard to break free of. So yeah, I’ve been on this journey of no sex for the past few years but…. Am I holding out for the right one? Sure. Have I been successful because it’s easy? No. I’ve been able to hold out because truthfully,
I haven't wanted anyone else other than him.
My body doesn’t want anyone sexually but him. I think that and LOTS of prayer, have been the reason I’ve been able to hold out for so long. He and I are okay even though we've disconnected; but the last time we saw each other and caught up on life, I remembered the imprint he left on me. He isn't the only person I’ve been with in life, but he’s the only imprint. My skin, my body, my mind… just about every piece of me, he’s imprinted. I wouldn't be surprised if in the DNA registry, when you pull up my finger print, his face pops up. I could be sensitive because I’m hormonal this week, but I’m almost sure if we were in a place, where we could at the very least see each other…. letting go all control, we’d know each other once more.
That’s where I got screwed by sin, both literally and figuratively. I gambled with fornication because I didn’t understand the principle behind God telling me not to. Now that I understand why we should wait, I do wonder if it’s too late. (Of course not, God can fix anything but still…) I can have a perfectly good heart waiting to love me and give me everything I’ve ever wanted, and because of that one piece that’s unyielding, I could unknowingly reject him.
I don’t even view men the same. I see them but in a way that doesn’t arouse me… like mentally uninterested. NO I’M NOT INTO WOMEN AT ALL, but just men… they lack something to make me sincerely interested. I can be interested for a minute, but not seriously to the point where I’ll consider “promise”. At first I thought, maybe God is just shifting my focus and I’m not interested because there’s something else I need to be doing, instead of considering a relationship, but now I’m not so sure.
Could sin have done me so well, that even though I’ve been forgiven and have repented, I still carry his imprint?
Surely there is someone out there that will touch me in a way that makes what I’ve known obsolete, but… my body doesn’t want to be touched unless its's being touched by him. A lot of the time I don't like being touched in any way by any one, unless they carry something I need or if they feel safe. Isn’t that completely crazy?
But it’s real. I don’t want to have to “know” someone else. I don’t even want to “know” him, because that part of my life, I feel has been transformed. I don’t necessarily long for him, but at the same time… if I have to be known again… I don’t want to be known by anyone else. I don't want to have to make that exchange again…
You can never really gage the consequences of your sin. I used to consider as much as I could... the outcomes, possible consequences and scenarios and I would try to consider if I could handle it, but never would I have imagined this one. I’m happy to have acknowledged it before making it to the top of the transplant list, but… how do I fix it? With time having passed since we last knew one another, how do I become completely open and ready for the new heart that I’m waiting for? Here it is I thought my promise was out here wilding…. but maybe I’m the hold up. Maybe the Doctor knows that when he brings this new heart to the table and attempts to make this merger, that my body won’t be able to fully accept it. It’s crazy to wonder if you’re the reason your promise is on hold.