Nostaligia....(The Blueprint)

The Blueprint…

Every project has an inspiration and you were mine. You weren’t the fulfillment, but the idea of “Overcoming a Breakup” nonetheless started with you. Today… for whatever and gawd awful reason, I miss you…. Okay, it’s not God awful, but uncomfortable because I know I shouldn’t but back to the purpose… I miss you… so that’s that and by now, you’re smiling in surprise that I actually admitted my truth.

You would ask me to say what’s real and then when I did, you were always shocked I had the boldness to say what the average woman wouldn’t and what you wanted to say aloud in your head. “Closed mouths don’t get fed” is the notion we understood and I think my boldness, wit, playful attitude, sarcasm and charm were what made you fond. I could be a piece of myself with you and while I’m sure I could’ve been all of me, only a piece is what I was willing to and could give.

That’s the thing, you appealed to a particular piece of me. The selfish piece…. The neglected piece of me that needed to be all about me and because you accepted that piece, I think it persuaded me to be all for you and sometimes I miss that… being all for you.

The creative piece, the honest piece, the conversational and communicative piece, the intellectual piece, the mental stimulation piece, the shallow but depth piece, the be easy “life has a way of working itself out” piece… some of my best peace…. I felt when around you and right now,

I miss that… being around you.

You aren’t the best person but I think you were the best person you could freely be and that’s what I enjoyed… the best you. I don’t know if that was the real you but it was an honest you and if you’re honest, then you’re real… so in a way, I know the real you….

I was that peace for you, the place you could be yourself with no objections because it was what it was but I wish I could’ve been your conviction. Your conviction is what you’ve outwardly committed to, but that’s a whole other bag of burritos under the hood….

Choose your struggle... Choose your lover...

I too, have fallen victim to “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” by Mark Manson. I’ll be honest, it’s the level of mental stimulation I’ve been wanting outside of my own self. Do I agree with everything that’s presented as creditable in this book? Not necessarily, but I am open to processing it to take make a decision about the pieces I’ll be integrating into my life. So much of this book has jilted thoughts and emotions for a lot of different reasons, but that’s a whole new bag of burritos under the hood. (wink)

So… in this book Manson talks about struggle and pain are inevitable in life. Pretty much we shouldn’t want the alleviation of problems but instead pray for better problems. Problems worth solving, because solving problems is what is going to bring consistent happiness. I’m not going to go into too much detail, you’ll have to get the book (shrug). Anyway, he asked the question, “what pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for?” 

He then goes on to talk about how he wanted to be a rock star while he was younger and that that was all he could envision in his head. However, when it came time to really put in the work, hours, and commitment needed to get the glory of being who he wanted to be, he didn’t follow through. “I thought I wanted something but it turns out I didn’t. End of story” and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s just that simple. He added “I wanted the result, not the process, the reward and not the struggle”. So back to the question, what pain do you want in your life? 

What problems are you committed to solving? What pain are you willing to endure? What relationship is worth the process? Who is worth the pain? Our lives shouldn’t be reward driven because then we’ll never be content with the beautiful things the process can offer. 

As we solve problems, we are then upgraded to hopefully better problems. Who is worth the struggle? You have the power to choose your lover. Find a person you are committed to enduring the problems of life with. When you get married, you’re choosing to fight with a person for the rest of your life about whose gonna get the burritos, (That’s something for another day). 

“Most people want to have great sex and an awesome relationship, but not everyone is willing to go through the tough conversations, the awkward silences, the hurt feelings, and the emotional psychodrama to get there”….. I couldn’t agree more. I’m now at a place of reflection as I sometimes wonder why so many “we’s” didn’t work out. On one end, I think I found someone I was willing to struggle with. I was willing to endure his pain… but on the other end, he thought he wanted something hence the sold dreams, but it turns out he didn’t. He wasn’t committed to the process of the “dream” with me. 

Then in another man, the vision of him, the vision of “us”, was very unconventional. It was great, but it wasn’t marriage committed. It was what I wish life could really be like, but I know there would be a lot of agony to be had because of our connection for no or unofficial structure. I can’t say I’d be committed to the emotional psychodrama we would have, but as his friend (still to this day), I’m committed. He could call and need something and as his friend, I’d show up because of what we had. We are just better off as friends. Although, I often wonder if he’s in the “what if…. What else” phase of his relationship, or if he’s settled, or chosen rather his lover. (Again, those burritos under the hood).

Either way… choose your struggle first. What are you committed to solving in life… what are you willing to endure to reach your vision? Then choose someone whose willing to endure the process of getting there with you…

Comfort Food.

Anyone who knows me knows I have this ridiculous obsession with Chipotle. I mean, I love it. I eat there a few times out the week, just about every month of the year. It does what I need it too. It hits all the right spots. I can count on it to give me the level of serotonin needed to help me maintain. 

I stopped by there for dinner and as I was parking I had this thought like “ugh, more food J?” Now, I haven’t missed any meals lately and I’m cringing at the results. So, when it comes to me having to eat, I’m currently disgusted with myself but I don’t know what else to do. It’s the one thing I can enjoy and it’s not a sin. JUDGE ME! It’s okay. (insert Kanye shrug here). 

Anyway, back to this thought in my head, it hit me and I realized, I don’t really want anything to eat, I mean yeah, it’s my second meal of the day but, I want him. This is painful to write, but it’s honest. I want him because he’s like comfort food. 

He’s like my favorite meal at my favorite place with the handpicked ingredients I chose, to make it just right for me. (Puts my forehead in the palm of my hand). He’s comfort food. For a moment, he gives me high levels of satisfaction. It’s almost like a high.

He’s enjoyment, he’s utopian, he’s a fat kid when given a piece of cake, he’s….comfort food.

But just like my favorite meal, it’s not enough to maintain the level of happy I feel in the moment. On a good interaction, he might be able to hold me for a few hours, possibly through the night… I’m satisfied, but when I wake up, or when the food has digested, I’ll want more. That’s the thing about comfort food, it’s your go to when you need to be comforted… when you want to feel comfortable. When you’re in the middle of a lot, sometimes you need a break and want a moment of comfort. God I’m in in the middle of this and it’s uncomfortable so if you’ll just allow me a moment, I need to be comforted. I need a break. I’m unsatisfied with a lot right now, I’m not getting ANY satisfaction from anything, sad to say including you. I love you, but things are either routine or not moving it seems like and it’s beginning to be uncomfortable. That depth or next level in you I'm wanting, I can't seem to get it inspite of my trying. I don’t even know if you like me anymore, you love me yeah, but am I still your favorite? I mean our relationship is strained because of whatever. You’re not moving like you used to, I don’t feel you like I used to, you have us somewhere that’s not where I want to be and not that I’m not with it, I just don’t understand and its becoming hard to maintain. 

So, we reach. We all have our go to’s… that special dish or treat that gives us comfort. I have for a while now, changed my diet. The thing about comfort food is that it’s probably very heavy. You’ll gain a lot of weight if you consume too much of it. Comfort food tastes good and makes you happy, but it’s not what you really want, you only crave it when you’re in need. 

I’m in need, but because I’m aware, it keeps me from reaching. I want too… LIKE I GOT MY PHONE RIGHT BESIDE ME AND THE MESSAGE TYPED OUT, COME HOLD ME FOR A LITTLE BIT. I miss him. He was a whole meal, but I won’t dismiss my desire for a restaurant…my own food chain. My own personal chef that makes my dish the way I like it and isn’t offering the same meal elsewhere. I said all this to say,

I GET IT.

He’s like comfort food and he’s hella good, but he’s unhealthy and doesn’t do your heart well in the long run. He’ll give you enjoyment, but he isn’t joy. Joy is something you have, that the world can’t give or take. Enjoyment is something that’s fleeting. We are uncomfortable. We are stressed the hell out. We are frustrated. We may even be unsatisfied and unhappy, but at the end of the day at least we’re saved… and we’re covered. 

[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY] I know!!!!! When I wrote it, I was like “man this some…” because I’m not feeling it either; and it sounds good but that’s not the comfort food we want. We don’t want a word, strength, or encouragement. We want what we want and that’s the manifestation of what we’ve petitioned God for, but we are also still in control of our emotions and we’ll get through it. We just have to make it through one more day, and always one more day. Eventually, we’ll look back and see how things have changed. It’ll get better. Weeping may endure for a season, but soon and God I hope very soon, Joy will come. All we're saying is, It or they (whatever Joy is for you), needs to hurry up because Lord, we’re over it. Hashtag, Jerusalem is now the captial of Israel. 

Decisions Decide.

How often do we settle for a life that’s inadequate because of our desire for love?

At 25 that’s the fear that I’m trying to avoid facing. The way it looks in my head is I’m at the end of a street... and the street splits into two different paths. I can only choose one. On one side there’s a sign that says “Ambition, Vision, Goals, Success, Drive, Wealth” and on the other side, the sign says “Love”, but there are no details on what each path will require and what type of happiness each will yield, if any at all.

Can you imagine the type of anxiety I feel in this dream? First of all, I’m constantly trying to have the upper hand on my anxiety so me having to make serious and life impacting decisions is always stressful. I want love, the happiness, the having someone to hold me down and support me and vice versa. All the ins and outs of love, I want it. Howwwwwwever, I also want stability… financial stability. I want to live a cultured life where I get to travel and experience different things. I don’t want to have to wait until love finds me to do it but I also don’t want to have done it all by myself before love gets to me. I want to share those moments but I’m becoming impatient. I want to push my agenda. I don’t want to relinquish my vision, goals, and dreams to support another’s… especially if his vision isn’t bigger than mine. I want something I can be proud to support and push. I’ve realized I’m not happy if every now and then I’m not accomplishing something. I need that type of satisfaction because, sad to say, I thrive off it.

So let’s discuss the mistakes I’ve made. I tend to go for a man whose vision isn’t bigger than mine. I settle for an individual who doesn’t have step by step details on how to accomplish his goals. He has dreams and things that he would like to happen but when I ask him “what are your goals in life?” I usually get “ummm” or something that’s very broad. I think I feel like if a man’s vision isn’t bigger than mine, I can have love and keep my agenda too. He won’t require me to sacrifice the things I feel like I need to accomplish. But at the same time, I also feel like a man that doesn’t have vision, drive, ambition, or a goal-oriented mindset will slow me down

....love will slow me down.

The desire for companionship, affection, attention, a connection, a bond.... sex, will ruin my life. That’s my fear. It’ll slow me down because I’m having to take part of my energy and time to push my man to get where he needs to be or I’ll abandon my goals and vision to fully support my man while he accomplish his; but then I wonder after he reaches his peak, will I internally be truly happy?

Can I have it all?

I know exactly what type of man I desire. I’ve articulated that very well in my conversations with God. The only problem with that is, it becomes harder and harder to ignore that certain men just don’t measure up. Will I have to compromise? Do I have to compromise? If I compromise, is it still considered settling? I’ve reached that realm of meeting good men, but they’re not the right men. Their drive isn’t like mine. Their vision isn’t bigger than mine.

And yes I’ve met men with a solid vision but they’re missing the attraction factor… or better yet all the men I’ve come in contact with don’t see the real value of the woman I am and will become… hell I don’t even know but I know it’s more than who I am now. It’s beyond stressful because our decisions decide our lives.

How often do we settle for a life that’s inadequate because of our desire for love?

Just… is it possible to have it all?

"Help a sister out"

A good friend and brother shared this with me this morning and it's absolutely perfect. If you've ever needed help voicing what you need or help understanding what women want this video is it. Let it help you. Women need affection, affirmation, attention, acceptance, and assistance... watch below for more. 

Family First Series by Pastor Dharius Daniels. Visit us on the web at www.dhariusdaniels.com!

Mr. Big

You know what’s better than being married? Being loved.                                   And if you’re truly blessed, you get to be both the way you desire. 

Sometimes, he still gets in my head. I don’t know if it’s possible to be in love with two different people in regards to Big and the man God has ordained to love me, or if they’re both one in the same until God differentiates. Even still, let’s address Mr. Big. It’s no secret I’m very Carrie Bradshaw by characteristic traits. Now, I enjoy the show but before I even knew what Sex In The City was, I was living out my own carrie moments in retrospect. 

Mr. Big is a man that you enjoy. He’s charismatic in a way that charms you. He’s emotionally unavailable even though against his will, you’ve found your way into his heart. You’re a weak spot for him and vice versa. You’re on and off because you two can’t get it together. You’re pushy and he’s un-submissive to your emotions. Mr. Big can’t handle (in this particular stage of your relationship) making a big commitment. He’s done it before, maybe several times, and his previous failures are the barriers he sees when it comes to letting his inhibitions go for you. So, when it feels real he runs. 

“If you’re tired you take a nap-a, you don’t move to Napa.”

Napa’s where he goes when it gets to be too much. But enough about Mr. Big… you’ve already imagined him in your head and I don’t want to throw salt on stressful and open wounds. Most people say “leave, you can do better, God will send something better… blahhh”. 

Listen to them. They are logically right. You should let Big go and find someone else. However, it is a process that you won’t be able to avoid because all relationships have to run their course. I’m a firm believer what is supposed to happen will happen. When you’ve exhausted all your options and you finally see logically, then you will make the choice I made.  

BUT, because you’re not there yet, let me give you a strategy I didn’t consider when exhausting my options last year.  For the Misses Big and the Mr. Big, because this personality isn’t limited to men, if they’re what you want and you’re willing to compromise then try this. 

Set relationship goals. Remember, these type lovers don’t do well with long term lingo. You have to be strategic and plan in a way that could potentially get you both what you want. If you’re willing to compromise, focus on the short term goals. Everyday should be the goal of making that day the best day possible. Literally take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. That’s the starting point. “Babe, let’s just be together for today. If we make it through today, then cool. Let’s try again tomorrow”. Don’t focus so much on having a set itinerary in motion that you forget to enjoy the freeness and spontaneity that love gives.  

The key is, acting out your long term plans but presenting your desire in a way that’s desirable to Big. Granted, this will only work if Big is willing to try. Really that’s all you can get them to do is try. You can’t put locked in stipulations on them. They have to initiate and bring that to you. Your objective? Make the moments you have with them unforgettable so they want and become open to more. Eventually what will happen, you’ll be in a committed relationship and will have shifted the focus from the title to the relationship itself if that makes sense. Again, you have to already have a place in Big’s heart. He or She has to in their heart want to be with you. This method is to help them get out of their way so they can get to you. Literally, take it one day at a time. The more you do this, eventually Big’s mindset will become conditioned to taking it one week at a time, to one month, to one year, to ok, lets just do it. 

Mr. Big: Would you want to get married? 

Carrie Bradshaw: Well, I didn't, didn't think that was an option. 

Mr. Big: What if it was an option? 

Carrie Bradshaw: Why? What? Do you want to get married? 

Mr. Big: I wouldn't mind being married to you. Would you mind being married to me? 

Carrie Bradshaw: No, no, not, not if that's what you wanted. I mean, is, is that what you want? 

Mr. Big: I want you. So, ok. 

Carrie Bradshaw: So really, we're, we're getting married? 

Mr. Big: We're getting married. Should we get you a diamond? 

Carrie Bradshaw: No. No. Just get me a really big closet. 

God, I Miss Having SEX.

Let's talk about sex. 

I miss it. Sometimes I can't remember how much I actually enjoy it, but I'm so happy I made the decision to wait. I've been dating and getting to know people since my last breakup. It hasn't been easy but without sex on the table, I date smarter. My vision is more clear when it comes to the person I'm getting to know. Don't get me wrong now, sometimes it's still unclear but it's not unclear to the point that I'd stay or entertain something unhealthy because of the dickmatization that comes with knowing a sexually skilled individual.  

I date smarter.

That's a huge advantage of waiting to have sex. Now, is it my goal to wait until marriage? God yes. I'm focused on meeting a partner that will at least respect and actively support my desire. Will I and we be able to maintain, I believe it's possible if we both want it. Spiritually, I think everyone should wait until marriage. Physically, not everyone is committed to that. I don't want to be the type of person that tells you you have to do something. I can only advise and speak on what I believe to be best for you and me too. The decision is ultimately yours.

When I took sex off the table, a lot of guys didn't make it 21 days. I have a rule that if he's consistent with me for at least 21 days, only then would I even make an effort to consider him a candidate for my life. With me, they go in knowing sex is a nonnegotiable. It's a no go. The ones that think they want me won't push the subject, but after a certain amount of time, if they really want me for my body will fall off the consistency wagon because they're not getting any. Now, not all of them fall off because of my no sex policy, sometimes we try to get to know each other and it's just not there for us. However, those individuals are intentional about consistently getting to know me. That's the beauty of no sex, you can make a sound decision about whether or not this person's lifestyle and characteristics vibe well with your own. You can really get to know the person and not the body. Our bodies do well with other bodies, but our souls, minds, and hearts don't always click.

Taking sex out the equation only makes getting to the solution so much easier. When you put sex in a relationship, sometimes you have to go through a lot of extra steps when it comes to determining if they're the person you should spend the rest of your life with. I can now determine in 3 months what used to take me anywhere from 10 months to 5 years. (I know right, and I'm only 25. Smh) I stopped sleeping with these men and realize that some of them only had a few inches to bring to the table. I realized that maybe I only had a few glasses of water at the time to bring as well. 

At this point I bring a whole lot... mostly good too, but that's neither here nor there. What I'm saying is... sex should be THEE last thing you add to a relationship. The very last thing. Some women do the 90 day rule, I'm telling you that's too soon. Rome wasn't built in a day and a healthy, exciting, and lasting relationship won't be either. You also don't want to build your relationship around 30 minutes of feel good pleasure... if you're lucky. I've been extremely and ABUNDANTLY lucky, but at 25 I'm looking for God's exceeding blessings.

When you're tired of going through the same cycles in relationships, you'll lean toward doing something new. You can't get something established by doing what you've always done, if what you've always done has yielded nothing to last. 

Living Single, Living Sacrifice...

This is going to be jumbled because that's how my thoughts are but here we go.

Anyone can be married now a days. We live in a time where anything and everything is easily accessible. That's what our society has become accustom to. So, like everything else, marriage is also easily accessible. You know I'm right. Millinials are jumping the broom left to right and you know what my response is to that... TGBTG! More babies to populate this beautiful creation of a planet. God your will be done. 

If you're like me, you've at least had the million dollar question run through your mind if you haven't mulled over it. "Why am I not married?" "Why am I not at least in a successful and healthy relationship?" "WHY AM I STILL SINGLE OH LORD!" Clearly, love is in the air and you are blessing nuptials left and right.... what about me? 

I have a theory.... and this theory applies to me and me only; UNLESS you're special, such as I am, and are handpicked to be set apart. We've all heard the scripture "many are called, but few are chosen". If you've ever seen America's next top model, they put out this flyer and announcement calling all models. A large number of people who believe they fit the criteria answer that call and show up but only a FEW are chosen. 

That's me and you. We are different and set apart. We are chosen. It doesn't make you conceded to say and know that. We might not know what God has chosen us for completely, but we know we are chosen. Accept that call. (I really hate being deep, it blows the carnal man in me sometimes.) But of course, our journey to love is also one to be set apart. It's not typical, you're not typical, and the love you and your person share will be ordained and CHOSEN as well; but back to my theory....

What if you're single because you haven't gotten to a place of being a "living sacrifice". I don't know too many living sacrifices. I know a lot of people who sacrifice things for Jesus, but how many of us (myself included), are active and daily intentional living sacrifices? Like, if someone asked you what are you called to do, If nothing else, your response can now be "I'm called to be a living sacrifice". 

I won't pretend like that lifestyle sounds appealing. At 11 pm last night it definitely did nothing for me.But WHAT IF?! The reason I'm single is because I haven't fully given in to becoming a living sacrifice? 

Now sometimes he don't answer my questions quickly but this time! Without hesitation he told me, "you'd give everything for the person I have for you, which you should.... and you wouldn't think twice or hesitate because you already love him enough to sacrifice and live for him." I had to accept what felt like chastisement and say Jesus you're right. At 25, I'm making decisions with my partner in mind. I'm conducting myself they way I feel he'd want me to live. I persevere now because in the end he is mine. 

Make no mistake, I acknowledge and deeply love my source. I never forget Jesus and I am because he is, but I love my husband (can't front like that didn't sound good haha). Sometimes things are held up because we don't take the right shot to make it fall down. Now, keeping my theory in mind, what if I haven't gotten my person yet due to my lack of intention of being a living sacrifice for Jesus. I'm not sure all of what that entails but I have to be committed to finding out. What if, the moment we become a living sacrifice for him and always him, is the moment he releases everything a chosen king or queen is supposed to receive? 

I physically don't want to but I know in my heart, my spirit wants to. You are already set apart and chosen, everything you've ever wanted is on the other side of that call. You can only be blessed if you accept. 

Proverbs 14:23 

Go for the person that handles you like you have tremendous value. 

In Sync

I talk to you everyday. Whether it's physically or mentally. I'm never out of touch. Today I acknowledge that one if not both of our hearts will have to overcome fear and doubt. Because our love is strong and at the center breeds pure intentions founded on a relationship with Christ, I know fear will try to keep us from one another. So here we go, today's a reassurance kind of day. 

I vow as your friend, your efforts will never be wasted on me. Your pursuit for my affection will always be valued even if your execution isn't always accurate. Your commitment to having real love will always be honored and respected. Your ability to lead will always be supported by my willingness to follow. Without the affirmation of who you are, I'm already following you to the ends of the earth because I trust you to lead me to Christ. 

Today's a weak day for one of us, and maybe that one is me. Even still, you know when I talk to you, I'm reassuring myself...

From My Heart To Yours...

Marriage isn’t the goal for me. It’s apart of the process. It’s a “state” across the journey. Don’t just ask me to marry you. Be creative. I’m not the average woman, I’m very much set apart and a gem to say the least. And if I sound strong in what I’m saying, its because I’m deserving. Today I’m frustrated because I’m tired of achieving alone. I’m ready to do life with you. Don’t run from me when I tell you my dreams. Don’t loosen your grip on us when I bring up subsequentials. I see where I want to be and it’s with you. Is that a bad thing? Is it a scary thing, to have someone that wants to live with you?

I want to figure things out with you. I want to experience with you. I want to study us and discover the limit does not exist. I want to conquer this world… spiritually. I want to be better than most. I want to be better with you. Everything at this stage is doing life with you. Most people think when a woman is looking for a commitment it’s really she’s ready to be married tomorrow, but that’s not true. Marriage should be the reward for taking on this commitment.

I vow a ring will never have more value than your existence.

I do want the commitment and I do want your heart. Am I ready to exchange my last name for yours? Absolutely not. I don’t want to focus on that. I don’t want to focus on gaining titles. I don’t want to focus on the outside opinions or societal requirements. I just want to do life with you.

I-just-want-to-do-life-with-you.

Ijustwantodolifewithyou………

I…. just want…. to do life…. with you.

Can't we just live our lives... together?

I’m frustrated because I don’t feel heard. Frustrated because what I want isn’t accepted. I don’t feel as if I have a say so… I have to wait on you for it to be valid and you’ll take the credit for what I’ve prayed. I’m not sure if I know you or have even seen you… either way. You’re not listening. Today, I love you and I’m committed to maintaining for you, but you don’t hear me and I don’t feel like you’re fighting hard enough to reach me. I’m frustrated because I. Can’t. Get. To. You.

Today, I don’t want to live alone…. I just want to be doing life with you.

Dismissive...

This last guy… he wasn’t trying to be rude. He wasn’t trying to hurt my feelings. He wasn’t trying to be an asshole. He was just being casually honest. He thought I was “beautiful” and a really cool person. He didn’t want a relationship, but he did want to have a sexual encounter and was willing to commit to me sexually…. (I highly doubt it, but let’s go with it).

I thought he was attractive and maybe had more substance than I was giving him from first glance. But when he charmingly asked me “can we fuck”, it disappointed me and could still very well damage a piece of me if I let it. I’m not foolish to think I’m exempt from the fockery men give now-a-days, but I do get tired of being approached by it. I’m so ready for God to send something special that when the frogs come I’m open to seeing if they could be my prince. So, while he was trying to be nice and honest, he didn’t realize he had hurt my feelings. He didn’t realize that in that moment he made me feel very small and like I was only good for one thing… to be used. I’m not offended by him or what he wanted, I was offended by who and what he represented.

You know what I hear a lot? “Don’t be so quick to dismiss a person because they don’t come off like what you’d want”. I won’t disagree with this advice because there’s been some truth to it. However! Men these days aren’t giving us too many reasons to not be dismissive.

Dismissive because I haven’t seen anything different. Dismissive because at the age of 25, I’ve had the game ran enough to know how it starts. Dismissive because I’ve started to feel that any attractive man that’s interested in me probably just wants to screw me. Dismissive because that’s the pattern. Not that I’m surprised, I mean… I am great in bed and maybe great enough to the point my body doesn’t hide it? I don’t know…. I try to cover up and keep it for the most part loose… simple and dressed down… never dressing in the way that screams I need attention.

So, I’m dismissive because every guy I’ve come across within the last year in some shape or form has mentioned my “ass” during a conversation. Dismissive because I know what “that look” means. Dismissive because I’ve known that body language…. I’ve spoken that body language. Dismissive because I’ve studied the signs. Dismissive because no matter how much I cover up and how hard I work to be seen as a great woman, they only see a great time.

Now I’m aware that some men would love nothing more than to be good to me, I can vouch that there are great guys, but those great guys are usually missing something… stability, physical attraction, humor, ambition, consistency, or mental intellect. I’m not picky and while I do have a type, I give everyone a solid chance.

Maybe I’m dismissive because at the first sign of uncertainty, I run. Anxiety doesn’t do well with uncertainty. Maybe I’m dismissive because it’s rare to meet a person that wants the same things I want. Maybe I’m dismissive because if all men are going to play games, he’s gonna have to be HELLA amazing all around to get away with it. Maybe I’m dismissive because I’m not impressed. I’m not impressed with men these days and I’m starting to feel like they’re only good for a moment and with lifelong commitment, they’re trouble. I’m dismissive because I don’t truly want to be bothered with the BS. Dismissive because there’s more to do out here than play games and play hard to get. Dismissive because what man doesn’t elevate my self-esteem with words then damage it with actions? I love it when a man is honest with me about what it is he wants. If you wanna have sex, say that initially. I’m not there anymore so you won’t get far, but I respect you and your honesty.

Chivalry goes farther than opening my door… it’s about protection. The most unprotected person in the world is the black woman. I pay attention to how you handle me and if I ever feel un-safe, you become disqualified and that doesn’t make me dismissive.

"I WANT MY DREAM BACK"

"It's hard to move forward because deep down you're still hoping the person you fell in love with is going to resurface... but the truth of the matter is they never existed. You fell in love with the idea of who they were and now you've been exposed to who they really are"       (Dr. Kevin A. Williams). 

You have to let go because the imaginative version of him or her will never be who they've shown themselves to be. You fell in love with a dream only to get to stuck with what you were never going to escape.... Reality.

I'll admit it. When my dad and I had that conversation, it broke yet another piece of my heart. I mean it was like really? I've called myself moving on and it seems like no matter how far I go, he, the past, still has some level of power to break me. 

Well the truth was, I hadn't moved on. I was in the process and then after 9 months of no communication or sight, we reconnected. I thought I was strong enough and I wasn't. As the weeks went by, even though I knew I didn't have the intentions of getting back together, I found myself looking forward to seeing him on my timeline. I looked forward to him sliding in my DMs or hitting my phone for whatever. I looked forward to the conversation and without any intentions, I found myself yearning to talk to him. I became "fuzzy". 

When I say "fuzzy" I mean I was in that place of "maybe he wants to get back together" or "maybe we could try again... time has passed, we've both grown... we're over whatever happened"..... let me help you. STAY AS LOGICAL AS POSSIBLE. "When women get fuzzy, they get optimistic" (Dr. Kevin A. Williams). The word fuzzy means difficulty to perceive clearly. Lord knows it happens to the best of us. We spend a lot of time in our relationships as fuzzy. Only a select handful are actually sure. I know I know, you never get to be sure... God overlooks you in that area, well listen here. YOU'RE PREACHING TO THE CHOIR A MESSAGE I'M TIRED OF HEARING. I've had to be hard on myself and stop that pity party. If you wanna be sure, pay attention to what's happening and stay in tune with God. (I'll talk about that at a later time... stay with me)

I was still in love or maybe I was still connected to and stuck on what I thought we were and could be. 70% of me was sure we would never be, but that other 30%..... was stuck. I wanted my baby back.... I wanted the dream he sold me... I wanted them both. I couldn't move forward without it or him without having understanding replace them. 

See, I have this theory we are all holding on to something and we never truly let go of one thing without being able to hold on to something else... but that's neither here nor there. The understanding I was looking for, I tried to get from him. I tried to communicate that I needed it and we talked a couple of times. He didn't really give me anything that made sense though, because it wasn't what I wanted or needed to hear. It wasn't "I still love you lets get back together" nor was it "I never loved you, I was lying, I wanted to see other people, I just didn't want you".... it was a bunch of fuzz. It wasn't definitive nor something concrete I could stand on. 

Needless to say, it kept me optimistic; Until I had a real conversation with my dad. He was gentle in giving me the understanding I needed but the truth itself was forceful. I don't know if what my father told me is that man's truth but I felt like it was something I could hold on to. It felt like understanding. My love was never truly my love. He was a fleeting glimpse of hope and not my resting place. He didn't sell me a dream he gave me something to buy into.

"You can't buy something without having the proof you've bought it. If you bought something and didn't get the product, you've invested into something and a knowledgeable man understands you don't always get a return. You bought into the dream but it was never your dream to begin with, it was his... and he has probably and will most likely sell that dream to someone else until he's had enough of what if and becomes ready to build what could be" (Dr. Kevin A. Williams).

So what do I do now? I have nothing. I have no dream. I have no him. 

You search diligently for an understanding... you stand on YOUR truth. You did what you could and he wasn't where you was supposed to end. You journey forward the best way you know how. You fight for an open mind that will welcome new people. You condition yourself to not look back and rest in knowing what's for you will always find it's way to you. That's the promise of God. When in doubt, trust him. 

*1 Corinthians 2 : 9-12 and 14*

The Little Heart That Could

Getting back out there.... that's something isn't it? Surveying the dating scene and having to interview people to see if you want to hire them for the vacancy you have. I'll be honest, it's one of the most aggravating things ever. It should be fun and exciting but it's not. Whoever tells you that it is is lying! (Or maybe it really is if you're an extrovert). 

For the little heart that could, it's extremely agitating. What I mean is (for the reader I could very well be dating one day), the process itself is overwhelming. Getting to know someone new, standing up to fear, taking a risk when you honestly don't have much left to risk.... trying to maintain conversations and intentionally know someone new; it can be a lot for the little heart that would. OH! AND DON'T TRY TO KNOW MORE THAN ONE PERSON AT THE SAME TIME. Boy, that's a whole other level of anxiety in itself lol. 

So some advice for the little heart that could, take your time and take it little by little. Go at your own pace and be very intentional about your "getting to know you" process. There's nothing to be lost in taking your time other than a distraction. The wrong people will feel a way because it's not going the pace they want, but the ones that are meant to be apart of your life will give you the space you need when you need it and the closeness you want when you're ready. Just keep in mind the good ones don't wait forever so communicating, pure intentions, and the actions of "trying" that follow are what will weed out the wrong ones. The right ones will help you when you "think you can you, you think you can...." until it becomes "I thought I could, I always knew I would"... I imagine that other heart will become the one you were always trying to reach. 

Advice for the one pursuing the little heart that could.... be patient and pure. Be honest and let time draw you two together. Don't be so pushy in wanting what you want that you push your little heart that would away. Take it little by little. You have to believe in the value of the heart you want to gain otherwise, you'll put a lot of ultimatums on the table forcing yourself to walk away. Enjoy the moments you can. Make the time you two spend so irresistible that the little heart that could becomes the little heart that will. Just keep it light and pay attention to the signs. 

The Single Woman's Infertility

As women, we connect on so many levels of life. Different paths but sometimes they leave us with similar scars you know? Infertility and miscarriage are very challenging things and unfortunately affects so many. I would never want to belittle anyone with this post and while I can’t say I know what it’s like to miscarry or to be unable to reproduce, I can somewhat imagine. If you’ve ever had to manage either of the two, my prayers go out to you and I ask that you keep fighting for what it is you’re going after.

I say I can imagine because I suffered my last miscarriage in 2016. I’ve had multiple miscarriages over the years and sometimes I feel like I’m infertile, unable to carry a healthy love. I haven’t lost a child, but I’ve lost relationships… lovers. People that I was connected to in some of the most intimate ways possible. Whether it went sour within the first couple of weeks or I carried the relationship for years at a time, they’ve all ended with me losing them. Some people I couldn’t even produce a relationship with. I’ve put my heart through so many attempts and have tried to produce that [love] we all long for.

No matter how I carry that thing, it ends the same. I’ve tried the “put it out there” route, let people know hey! I’m expecting, see my new boo?? (similar to a baby bump). Rushed the announcements out, went baby (wedding dress) shopping, started picking out baby names, fantasizing what his mother is like, what he’s like as a husband. You know how we do when we’re young and just getting into the relationship thing. We’re excited and want everyone to share our joy. I’ve tried the let’s wait a few months to see if our love can go the distance. Once we get past that first trimester stage, we can let the world know. I even tried this last time to just hide the “pregnancy” all together. Nobody is going to know that I’m even dating. I’m gonna carry this thing to “She said YES” and then, I’ll share my new “baby” with the world once he’s placed a ring on my finger and we’ve signed the birth (marriage) certificate.

Anyway, I said all that to say I’m not too far removed from the effects infertility and miscarrying can have on a person. I get scared at the thought of putting my heart through it again only to end up with the same results and more hurt. My body as well as my heart cringes at the thought of trying to conceive again but they are also slaves to the desire of wanting the baby. I understand having that baby is one of the most beautiful things a person can experience. I want that new life. I want the cute baby face stage, I want to watch my love learn how to crawl, walk, and run. I want to hear my love’s first words (I love you) and it be the most profound thing I’ve heard since Jesus’s final words on the cross. I want to grow old and watch my love grow over the years and die before it does. I want that experience even if I have to try a million times and go through that level of trauma over and over again. Why? Because the one time I’m able to conceive will be the best time of my life and well worth the pain.

That’s what we tell ourselves right? That’s the only reason we try and try again? We have this level of unshakable faith that once it happens, it will be the best thing to ever happen to us. We may not even know what the journey will take once we get it, but we believe and hope it to be worth it. Whether it’s a new relationship, a new baby, or a new opportunity that we continuously try to obtain, don’t give up.

It only takes one time to change your life forever…. Fight for your “one”.

In Love With Love?

I’m driving with that feeling in my tummy. Divine Feminism is in the background and it’s driving my racing thoughts. I don’t always give into my imagination’s emotional antics but it’s been a while and I’m looking for an escape so I go there. When I’m not ready to filter through life’s highs and lows, I take a step back and check out only to check my bags into imagination station. Today I was greeted with this question,

Do I truly fall in love with people or do I continuously fall in love with Love?

My concern is that maybe I don’t fall in love with people. I’ve only been in love twice and now I feel no ways in regards to those individuals. I don’t know if I’ve ever been in love with a person because people are horribly flawed. I acknowledge I’m flawed and stained with so much. People get what they’ve gotten from me because of the commitment I have for love. Whatever that is for me, if they make me feel what love makes me feel… I yield to the thought Love has found me in this particular body.

My true love is no human being on this planet… I probably sound loony but my philosophy is love is going to find me and to get to me, it’s gonna come in a physical body operated by a force or spirit of love. Does that make sense???

Either way, I’ve always been in love with Love. Love has my heart and I’ll always gravitate toward it… I’m his nomad. I’ve never cheated, I’ve never strayed. I’ve been consistently in love with Love and whatever it looks like at that moment. I wonder what it will physically look like the next go around?

Define "It"

It is a charisma that has enough wit to enchant, sad to say. It is an immense level of commitment and integrity rooted deep enough to connect itself in me. It is honesty when it hurts and communication unbound by words. It is founded on mental attraction and sparked when accompanied by philosophical ideas, thought, and
love-ology. It is a mindset that is not easily discovered elsewhere. It is creativity. It is mental artistry in motion. It is value of materialism but not idolization. It is Jesus worship and Jesus centered. It is a sense of balance. It is proactive rarely reactive. It is deep thought and preparation. It is friendship. It is love. It is gentle yet firm. It is relaxed and exciting, free-flowing yet fixed. It is something I can be proud of… not so much proud to be with, but proud to support. It is a vision invested in with no regrets. It is a good heart filled with great love. It is a sensation provoked miles away. It is a mind fuck like no other and an aesthetic expression of true love when physically touched. It is complex in attributes but simplistic in structure. It is a mutual agreement and the habitual freedom to choose each other, over and over and over.

So what am I looking for? Im looking for “it”….

Be a good person, but don’t waste time proving it.

Fragmented Hearts

You will not have known the measure of your love until you’ve sat on your bathroom floor, wailing for the pieces of your heart you’ll never get back. You’ll never fully value attachment until you’re reliving every moment of separation and without words, begging God to not make you go through it again. You will have never known pain until you’ve cried so much that your eyes begin to burn and then you cry more; And you’ll never know just how much you’ve invested yourself in someone, until they’ve given you no apology or explanation but you don’t leave because to be without them means you’ve lost yourself.

– Fragmented Hearts via J. Sheppard

Take Your Moment

Let it out and don’t take it back in. Every raw and negative emotion that fights against your happiness, let that shit go. Good vibes and peace only. That’s all you’re allowed to carry.

– “Feel What You Feel” via Harper Stewart