With Love, J. Sheppard

Decisions Decide.

jelina sheppardComment

How often do we settle for a life that’s inadequate because of our desire for love?

At 25 that’s the fear that I’m trying to avoid facing. The way it looks in my head is I’m at the end of a street... and the street splits into two different paths. I can only choose one. On one side there’s a sign that says “Ambition, Vision, Goals, Success, Drive, Wealth” and on the other side, the sign says “Love”, but there are no details on what each path will require and what type of happiness each will yield, if any at all.

Can you imagine the type of anxiety I feel in this dream? First of all, I’m constantly trying to have the upper hand on my anxiety so me having to make serious and life impacting decisions is always stressful. I want love, the happiness, the having someone to hold me down and support me and vice versa. All the ins and outs of love, I want it. Howwwwwwever, I also want stability… financial stability. I want to live a cultured life where I get to travel and experience different things. I don’t want to have to wait until love finds me to do it but I also don’t want to have done it all by myself before love gets to me. I want to share those moments but I’m becoming impatient. I want to push my agenda. I don’t want to relinquish my vision, goals, and dreams to support another’s… especially if his vision isn’t bigger than mine. I want something I can be proud to support and push. I’ve realized I’m not happy if every now and then I’m not accomplishing something. I need that type of satisfaction because, sad to say, I thrive off it.

So let’s discuss the mistakes I’ve made. I tend to go for a man whose vision isn’t bigger than mine. I settle for an individual who doesn’t have step by step details on how to accomplish his goals. He has dreams and things that he would like to happen but when I ask him “what are your goals in life?” I usually get “ummm” or something that’s very broad. I think I feel like if a man’s vision isn’t bigger than mine, I can have love and keep my agenda too. He won’t require me to sacrifice the things I feel like I need to accomplish. But at the same time, I also feel like a man that doesn’t have vision, drive, ambition, or a goal-oriented mindset will slow me down

....love will slow me down.

The desire for companionship, affection, attention, a connection, a bond.... sex, will ruin my life. That’s my fear. It’ll slow me down because I’m having to take part of my energy and time to push my man to get where he needs to be or I’ll abandon my goals and vision to fully support my man while he accomplish his; but then I wonder after he reaches his peak, will I internally be truly happy?

Can I have it all?

I know exactly what type of man I desire. I’ve articulated that very well in my conversations with God. The only problem with that is, it becomes harder and harder to ignore that certain men just don’t measure up. Will I have to compromise? Do I have to compromise? If I compromise, is it still considered settling? I’ve reached that realm of meeting good men, but they’re not the right men. Their drive isn’t like mine. Their vision isn’t bigger than mine.

And yes I’ve met men with a solid vision but they’re missing the attraction factor… or better yet all the men I’ve come in contact with don’t see the real value of the woman I am and will become… hell I don’t even know but I know it’s more than who I am now. It’s beyond stressful because our decisions decide our lives.

How often do we settle for a life that’s inadequate because of our desire for love?

Just… is it possible to have it all?