With Love, J. Sheppard

Comfort Food.

jelina sheppard1 Comment

Anyone who knows me knows I have this ridiculous obsession with Chipotle. I mean, I love it. I eat there a few times out the week, just about every month of the year. It does what I need it too. It hits all the right spots. I can count on it to give me the level of serotonin needed to help me maintain. 

I stopped by there for dinner and as I was parking I had this thought like “ugh, more food J?” Now, I haven’t missed any meals lately and I’m cringing at the results. So, when it comes to me having to eat, I’m currently disgusted with myself but I don’t know what else to do. It’s the one thing I can enjoy and it’s not a sin. JUDGE ME! It’s okay. (insert Kanye shrug here). 

Anyway, back to this thought in my head, it hit me and I realized, I don’t really want anything to eat, I mean yeah, it’s my second meal of the day but, I want him. This is painful to write, but it’s honest. I want him because he’s like comfort food. 

He’s like my favorite meal at my favorite place with the handpicked ingredients I chose, to make it just right for me. (Puts my forehead in the palm of my hand). He’s comfort food. For a moment, he gives me high levels of satisfaction. It’s almost like a high.

He’s enjoyment, he’s utopian, he’s a fat kid when given a piece of cake, he’s….comfort food.

But just like my favorite meal, it’s not enough to maintain the level of happy I feel in the moment. On a good interaction, he might be able to hold me for a few hours, possibly through the night… I’m satisfied, but when I wake up, or when the food has digested, I’ll want more. That’s the thing about comfort food, it’s your go to when you need to be comforted… when you want to feel comfortable. When you’re in the middle of a lot, sometimes you need a break and want a moment of comfort. God I’m in in the middle of this and it’s uncomfortable so if you’ll just allow me a moment, I need to be comforted. I need a break. I’m unsatisfied with a lot right now, I’m not getting ANY satisfaction from anything, sad to say including you. I love you, but things are either routine or not moving it seems like and it’s beginning to be uncomfortable. That depth or next level in you I'm wanting, I can't seem to get it inspite of my trying. I don’t even know if you like me anymore, you love me yeah, but am I still your favorite? I mean our relationship is strained because of whatever. You’re not moving like you used to, I don’t feel you like I used to, you have us somewhere that’s not where I want to be and not that I’m not with it, I just don’t understand and its becoming hard to maintain. 

So, we reach. We all have our go to’s… that special dish or treat that gives us comfort. I have for a while now, changed my diet. The thing about comfort food is that it’s probably very heavy. You’ll gain a lot of weight if you consume too much of it. Comfort food tastes good and makes you happy, but it’s not what you really want, you only crave it when you’re in need. 

I’m in need, but because I’m aware, it keeps me from reaching. I want too… LIKE I GOT MY PHONE RIGHT BESIDE ME AND THE MESSAGE TYPED OUT, COME HOLD ME FOR A LITTLE BIT. I miss him. He was a whole meal, but I won’t dismiss my desire for a restaurant…my own food chain. My own personal chef that makes my dish the way I like it and isn’t offering the same meal elsewhere. I said all this to say,

I GET IT.

He’s like comfort food and he’s hella good, but he’s unhealthy and doesn’t do your heart well in the long run. He’ll give you enjoyment, but he isn’t joy. Joy is something you have, that the world can’t give or take. Enjoyment is something that’s fleeting. We are uncomfortable. We are stressed the hell out. We are frustrated. We may even be unsatisfied and unhappy, but at the end of the day at least we’re saved… and we’re covered. 

[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY] I know!!!!! When I wrote it, I was like “man this some…” because I’m not feeling it either; and it sounds good but that’s not the comfort food we want. We don’t want a word, strength, or encouragement. We want what we want and that’s the manifestation of what we’ve petitioned God for, but we are also still in control of our emotions and we’ll get through it. We just have to make it through one more day, and always one more day. Eventually, we’ll look back and see how things have changed. It’ll get better. Weeping may endure for a season, but soon and God I hope very soon, Joy will come. All we're saying is, It or they (whatever Joy is for you), needs to hurry up because Lord, we’re over it. Hashtag, Jerusalem is now the captial of Israel.