With Love, J. Sheppard

Choose your struggle... Choose your lover...

jelina sheppardComment

I too, have fallen victim to “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” by Mark Manson. I’ll be honest, it’s the level of mental stimulation I’ve been wanting outside of my own self. Do I agree with everything that’s presented as creditable in this book? Not necessarily, but I am open to processing it to take make a decision about the pieces I’ll be integrating into my life. So much of this book has jilted thoughts and emotions for a lot of different reasons, but that’s a whole new bag of burritos under the hood. (wink)

So… in this book Manson talks about struggle and pain are inevitable in life. Pretty much we shouldn’t want the alleviation of problems but instead pray for better problems. Problems worth solving, because solving problems is what is going to bring consistent happiness. I’m not going to go into too much detail, you’ll have to get the book (shrug). Anyway, he asked the question, “what pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for?” 

He then goes on to talk about how he wanted to be a rock star while he was younger and that that was all he could envision in his head. However, when it came time to really put in the work, hours, and commitment needed to get the glory of being who he wanted to be, he didn’t follow through. “I thought I wanted something but it turns out I didn’t. End of story” and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s just that simple. He added “I wanted the result, not the process, the reward and not the struggle”. So back to the question, what pain do you want in your life? 

What problems are you committed to solving? What pain are you willing to endure? What relationship is worth the process? Who is worth the pain? Our lives shouldn’t be reward driven because then we’ll never be content with the beautiful things the process can offer. 

As we solve problems, we are then upgraded to hopefully better problems. Who is worth the struggle? You have the power to choose your lover. Find a person you are committed to enduring the problems of life with. When you get married, you’re choosing to fight with a person for the rest of your life about whose gonna get the burritos, (That’s something for another day). 

“Most people want to have great sex and an awesome relationship, but not everyone is willing to go through the tough conversations, the awkward silences, the hurt feelings, and the emotional psychodrama to get there”….. I couldn’t agree more. I’m now at a place of reflection as I sometimes wonder why so many “we’s” didn’t work out. On one end, I think I found someone I was willing to struggle with. I was willing to endure his pain… but on the other end, he thought he wanted something hence the sold dreams, but it turns out he didn’t. He wasn’t committed to the process of the “dream” with me. 

Then in another man, the vision of him, the vision of “us”, was very unconventional. It was great, but it wasn’t marriage committed. It was what I wish life could really be like, but I know there would be a lot of agony to be had because of our connection for no or unofficial structure. I can’t say I’d be committed to the emotional psychodrama we would have, but as his friend (still to this day), I’m committed. He could call and need something and as his friend, I’d show up because of what we had. We are just better off as friends. Although, I often wonder if he’s in the “what if…. What else” phase of his relationship, or if he’s settled, or chosen rather his lover. (Again, those burritos under the hood).

Either way… choose your struggle first. What are you committed to solving in life… what are you willing to endure to reach your vision? Then choose someone whose willing to endure the process of getting there with you…