As women, we connect on so many levels of life. Different paths but sometimes they leave us with similar scars you know? Infertility and miscarriage are very challenging things and unfortunately affects so many. I would never want to belittle anyone with this post and while I can’t say I know what it’s like to miscarry or to be unable to reproduce, I can somewhat imagine. If you’ve ever had to manage either of the two, my prayers go out to you and I ask that you keep fighting for what it is you’re going after.
I say I can imagine because I suffered my last miscarriage in 2016. I’ve had multiple miscarriages over the years and sometimes I feel like I’m infertile, unable to carry a healthy love. I haven’t lost a child, but I’ve lost relationships… lovers. People that I was connected to in some of the most intimate ways possible. Whether it went sour within the first couple of weeks or I carried the relationship for years at a time, they’ve all ended with me losing them. Some people I couldn’t even produce a relationship with. I’ve put my heart through so many attempts and have tried to produce that [love] we all long for.
No matter how I carry that thing, it ends the same. I’ve tried the “put it out there” route, let people know hey! I’m expecting, see my new boo?? (similar to a baby bump). Rushed the announcements out, went baby (wedding dress) shopping, started picking out baby names, fantasizing what his mother is like, what he’s like as a husband. You know how we do when we’re young and just getting into the relationship thing. We’re excited and want everyone to share our joy. I’ve tried the let’s wait a few months to see if our love can go the distance. Once we get past that first trimester stage, we can let the world know. I even tried this last time to just hide the “pregnancy” all together. Nobody is going to know that I’m even dating. I’m gonna carry this thing to “She said YES” and then, I’ll share my new “baby” with the world once he’s placed a ring on my finger and we’ve signed the birth (marriage) certificate.
Anyway, I said all that to say I’m not too far removed from the effects infertility and miscarrying can have on a person. I get scared at the thought of putting my heart through it again only to end up with the same results and more hurt. My body as well as my heart cringes at the thought of trying to conceive again but they are also slaves to the desire of wanting the baby. I understand having that baby is one of the most beautiful things a person can experience. I want that new life. I want the cute baby face stage, I want to watch my love learn how to crawl, walk, and run. I want to hear my love’s first words (I love you) and it be the most profound thing I’ve heard since Jesus’s final words on the cross. I want to grow old and watch my love grow over the years and die before it does. I want that experience even if I have to try a million times and go through that level of trauma over and over again. Why? Because the one time I’m able to conceive will be the best time of my life and well worth the pain.
That’s what we tell ourselves right? That’s the only reason we try and try again? We have this level of unshakable faith that once it happens, it will be the best thing to ever happen to us. We may not even know what the journey will take once we get it, but we believe and hope it to be worth it. Whether it’s a new relationship, a new baby, or a new opportunity that we continuously try to obtain, don’t give up.