With Love, J. Sheppard

I Wanted To Call

jelina sheppardComment

I’m not nosy… like I promise. (If this was a face to face, we’d both be laughing right now.) 

But yeah… I’m not nosy. However, if I miss you, I go looking for you. Sooo, I looked….. and I saw it. Why didn’t you tell me? Then again, why would you tell me? I mean, it is me but on the other hand I’m just me, so I guess I could understand why that wasn’t one of the talking points per our last conversation. 

I want to call you. That’s not our norm but in this moment it feels right. It’s almost like if I call you, I’ll hear that you sound well and I won’t feel like a jerk for not staying in place…or accessible rather. This time, I moved. You left and I moved not caring if you found me again. I feel a little selfish… and I shouldn't but I do. People go through real things that they aren’t always vocal about. Not that I dismissed that in deciding how to respond, but I never took my feelings into consideration which is why I always stayed put. I think this last time, I had enough and I moved. 

You had life happen and not that I was naive to that, but I was clueless on that missing piece of information. I want to call you. I wanna hear your thoughts again and this time not feel like I’m missing anything. I listened to you the last time we talked. You sounded out of this world almost and not in a bad way, just celestial-like. It was refreshing as always, but now I want to talk to you again. Knowing what I know today, I want to pick up on it… the allusions you gave without mentioning the experience you encountered. 

I won’t pretend to know you well enough to feel at ease about how you processed and are still processing. Putting how I felt and how you reacted to the side, I want to call you. Why does it have the ability to hide at the back of mind how you’re doing? How are you processing? How are you emotionally? Are you happy? How’s life? Should I be worried? What do you need? It could be embarrassing but you're still human and we're all flawed... 

It’s not that serious though right? It’s a contained case of Mac Miller G Wagon. Still…. I want to call you. I don’t want to miss a moment to be there for you and you can’t find me. Talk about a double standard. 

So why don’t I call you? Pride… embarrassment… bruised feelings… stubbornness… feeling a lack of choice yet again to whether or not I should considering your last response, when you forced me to move. There are a lot of reasons I shouldn’t and only one reason I would… 

I thought about you today and I wanted to call. I pray that everything works out your way. You always said life has a way of working itself out and I’m sure with this experience that’ll hold true. Still, it’s hard not to worry about you… 

I wanted to call but I just prayed instead.