Sometimes, you don’t realize how deep the trauma stems until you’re finally away from it and are in a place where you can begin to heal. I didn’t realize how impatient I had become until I had to own my fact that I don’t give things too much time to develop or play out. Especially if the scenario looks familiar, automatically I like to think I know the end result. Either they won’t get it done and will drop the ball or I’m going to be waiting forever because it’s not a priority to them so let me just go ahead and do it myself. I think over the years I’ve learned to size up the type of person I’m dealing with… whether it’s business, ministry, or relational. One thing about being a dependable person, you learn quickly those that are like you and those that aren’t.
I’ve become accustomed to just doing the things I want and getting the things I want when I can for myself because, it’s extremely rare that I’m rocking with another individual who’s track record does numbers like mine. I’ve learned the behavior, (not that it’s a good thing but its honest), that if they don’t show signs of action immediately, they aren’t going to do it or when they decide to do it, it will be too late. Either the deadline will have passed, or I will have lost the notion. Someone asked me, “why do you need them to do this right now, why does it have to happen when you ask for it, why don’t you want to wait” and the reality is, it doesn’t have to I guess… but when you don’t move, you remind me of so many scenarios that ended with a result of me never getting what I needed. It reminds me of a lack of follow through.
It’s almost like some sort of anxiety or PTSD I think that comes from waiting. There’s always the thought of but what if they don’t… or what if they forget… and then that is internalized as, you weren’t important enough for them to do it or they didn’t care enough about what you needed/wanted. I can’t tell you how many times or years I waited… So now, when this happens in relationships, what do I do? I become very quiet or I began detaching. I don’t believe in sustaining too many relationships out of fear of having too many people close enough to hurt me. That’s family, friendship, and love. It’s not something I’m proud of but it is something I wish was understood about me. I wish everyone thought
“I have to follow through on what I say and with what I do because if I don’t, she won’t feel safe with me”.
That’s it. I don’t have unrealistic desires or requests… they’re usually unrealistic when it’s not something someone wants to do. Say what you mean and mean what you say… because I’m watching. I’m taking note and I’m paying attention. How well can you follow through? Because that’s what’s needed to get close to me.