You know what happened to me today… I went for a brisk walk and jog… and after my first mile, I probably had about point six of a mile to go before I got back home, but my nervous but very strong tummy gave out on me. I crapped all over myself… it just happened so quick. I had just made it up a steep hill, right at one point zero two miles of my thirty minutes of cardio and then boom. She cramped up on me and I mean it was a really bad cramp. I said to myself, “J you can make it just hold on a little longer….” But about fifteen seconds after that, I realized I wasn’t going to. I couldn’t run because I was in sooo much pain. So “now I’m on the hotlineeee” (Pretty Ricky reference) hitting up the one person I know is gonna have my back and come get me from out the street. As I’m talking to her via text letting her know I didn’t think I was gone make it, it was a smooth “holy shit”…. (I’m sorry Daddy, I couldn’t refrain this time because that’s exactly what happened). I didn’t scream it out, I just closed my eyes and that’s all I could say… “holy ….”. I’m not going to bore you with the description of the consistency, but it didn’t run down my leg if that’s what you’re wondering.
So here she comes speeding through the neighborhood, had to be going fifty in a fifteen. But she was there, and she let me get in her car poopy pants and all. Immediately, she knew how embarrassed I was, and she goes into “it’s really okay. You’re okay. And we’ll be home in a minute”. I just sat on my side because I didn’t want to mush it but I wanted to cry because I was so embarrassed. I was hurt that my body, as strong as it is, couldn’t be stronger. I was disappointed because I felt like I failed. I had a step goal and that went out the window all because of my nervous tummy… but I was hurt that my body, as strong as it is, couldn’t be stronger.
What’s my point of sharing this really embarrassing story with you guys? I’m getting there. My body and I have a very sensitive connection with each other. When things are off, my body is usually my first sign. If I’m stressed, I’m biting the skin away from my thumbs, If I’m concerned about something, a random sneeze fit will happen. If I’m avoiding something, I won’t sleep. If I’ve become consumed in thought, no matter what’s happening around me, my mind won’t deviate. If I’m nervous or if something is happening elsewhere with someone connected to me, my stomach is undone. The night Khrisi died, I was up at 4 am and I thought I was pacing around because it was Halloween day and I was nervous about letting Karter dress up in a costume…. But I think while I was up pacing, she was dying.
So, my nervous tummy. I’m not fully sure what it’s about because I have wretched looking thumbs now and I haven’t really slept since last week… but I know how I feel. I feel like, David, Circa 16. I’m not going into details because those that’s been around me, or those that have read my book at the very least, knows what that means. I think I just had to spell it out for myself. I needed to see it. They say history repeats itself and I do think that’s true. The way God will let you be continuously tested until you pass it… so here we are, just weeks from graduation and it’s like a horrible case of Déjà vu. I hate it honestly, but the word I received was to “accept it in this season and cooperate”. So that’s what I’m going to do… cooperate. No objections, no fighting it, and definitely no trying to hold on. Words are one thing, but it’s the actions that will tell you more of what you need to know to make the best decision you can for yourself.
Advice Time: The best way to handle a load of crap? Let it go. You’ll feel so much better once you do. Don’t try to hold it for fear of embarrassment because of who might see, SCREW YOUR NEIGHBORS. FRIEND, let that ish go. The cramp is a sign that it no longer fits here, and it needs to be released. You’ll feel a whole lot lighter once you do. Here’s to my readers releasing things all 2020.