You know why I’m most times reluctant about giving love a chance? Because somehow I think most people have created an version of who I am but lack the capacity to love who I really am. I am an empath when it comes to those I love, so a disappointment for you becomes a disappointment for me. What happens when I’m not what or who you think I am? So often the sobering reality of what we create in our heads is lackluster compared to our imagination.
“Be open”, “Don’t be so defensive”, “If you’re not open then you become the problem”…. and after a week of trying to do just that, everything within me is screaming “BUMP THAT! DON’T DO IT, J”. It’s cumbersome not knowing how people really see you. People don’t have a deep relationship with you but they gather so much based on “what they see” and there’s a real fear for me that they’re all wrong.
I should just tell everyone where they can place their kisses and walk away. Throw the towel in before I gain 30lbs and overwhelm myself in stress. You know I don’t think it’s a relationship with Jesus that’s stressful. I think assignments from him is where it becomes stressful because he’s like that professor we all hate. The one who gives you as assignment with no clear directions… and then with the vaugity of directions its up you to interpret and you are just praying God (go figure) that you do the assignment right. So yeah. That’s what God is like right now, and I’m not afraid of failing. That has never been my stumbling block. I’m afraid of disappointing people by discovering who I am. Another weighty question I have with people is, do you have patience?
Right now what my self care wants me to say is “Stop. Please don’t come any closer.” Some relationships need boundaries because the closer they get, the more they hurt and I’ve said it before but I’ll iterate again. I’m not ready to be open to hurt again. I don’t want to lose sight of who I’m serving. Approval is one hell of a threat and yet, Lord no matter what happens, don’t let me care about my relationships more than you. Please send clear signs that I’m doing what you ask and require of me. Now is not a time to be silent or busy on me. I’ll die if you don’t hold my hand and walk with me. I don’t want to rely on anything or anyone, I want my dependency to be on you. Please don’t disappoint me because I don’t live up to you. “Made in your image” is not “made to be you.” We were in a solid place last week and now I’m ready to tell you “I’m not with the shits”…. (and yes I have to say it that way because it adds color to the conversation). I’m really confused what the new guy wants from me.
Trust is so expensive and a heart is so fragile.
While the two should work well most times they’re like oil and water, they don’t mix. And I’m starting to feel like “this not gone work” so before we get too caught up in it, let’s reconsider. I never wanted to be great, famous, or known… and now I’m starting to regret wanting to be effective. Still at the heart, I just want to be loved, cared for, safe, and protected. All this extra is whatever. I’m needy and I feel like you’re not right next to me. I need to feel you at all times, since you’re everywhere at all times. I need to feel… and I don’t feel good things at all.
I want to feel good things.
Today, I actually heard the frustration, madness, and slight disappointment in his voice as if I’m not who he thought I was. As if I’m not who he thinks I am and that’s been difficult to process. All these thoughts, how deep is his patience for me before he throws me away? Isn’t that what King Henry did to most of his wives and “most humble servants”? Some beheaded, some cast away, and some just basic death. Nevertheless, what I wanted to say….
“I’m mad at you too and you getting on my nerves because you pissing me off. (Now that doesn’t even make sense ha, but it’s a real sentiment). Can’t you see I’m under a lot of freaking pressure trying not to disappoint you by being who I think God is calling me to be?! HAVE SOME FREAKING SYMPATHY. I love you a great deal and I’m trying but you haven’t exactly laid out the steps from A to Z on what to do and how to get us there. So, chill out a sec…. Ridiculed and Unprotected. Wow.”
I’m strecthed for the week, hashtag already over it. I still love you though and we gone be alright but at the same time, screw this.