So, its been a minute but mind your business. I’ve been writing and will have so much to update you on soon. But… this one, I felt needed to be published. There are so many insecurities that come with having a baby outside of marriage when it doesn’t work out between yourself and the other parent. The number one thought I had in 2012, “J who’s gonna want you with a kid?” “Who’s gonna want your kid if his own father doesn’t?”… Those were my real sentiments. It’s a real insecurity and I dare to say other single parents develop the same fear. Maybe not the latter thought, but the one about who will want them with a kid is a UNIVERSAL thought at the very least.
It’s not that we don’t love our seeds because we do and it’s not that having kids is the worst thing ever, it’s just it’s a real responsibility and if there’s anything real adults shy away from… MORE RESPONSIBILITY. I say that because people who handle responsibility well understand the weight and pressure that comes with that. Responsibilties are sometimes taxing and so our fear, “our” being single parents, is “who in their right mind would want to take on the weight of a responsibility that is not their own?”….
So… we don’t do a lot of relationships. The single parents who parent well don’t do a lot of relationships. Reason being? When relationships don’t work out, it reinforces the insecurity. This is why I advise anyone who is trying to date or be in a relationship with a single parent, to really assess what you’re getting into and to approach him or her with their family being at the forefront. It’s not a “oh I wonder what it’s like being with a mom or dad”…. it’s not a fantasy or training ground to see if you have what it takes to be a parent… and I say this because when you walk away, the single parent is the one that has to deal with the damage. I’ll never forget a guy I dated early on in parenting after about 8 months told me he was dealing with the thought of “ I think I want my own kids” and “ if we never have kids in the long run, will he be enough for me?” and while I respected and understood his thoughts, it crushed me. I was young and inexperienced as a parent so that was…. heartbreaking. Needless to say, even with understanding sometimes it’s “understanding doesn’t mean progression.”
That is what happens when you leave a single parent relationship. You push the insecurity thorn deeper in their flesh. I personally have learned to put that thought at the back of my mind because, it’s really out of my control. I can’t control other people, I can’t control the paths my relationships take. I can only control the path I take and the decisions I make. Did I just go through a break up? No I didn’t lol. So don’t think this is a “oh she hurt” bc I’m not writing this for me. I’m writing this from experience to let others know where your headspace is is okay. I’m writing this to let them know that some of the darkest thoughts you think that scare you are okay…. you’re not wrong for thinking what or how you think. The issue comes in when you let those dark but honest thoughts control you. Insecurities are exposed so you can fix them or nuture them back to good health to the best of your ability.
Dating a single parent is not for the selfish.