With Love, J. Sheppard

"the other side of BLOCKED...."

jelina sheppard1 Comment

I asked, “why not just unblock him? It’s a big day, maybe he’ll use this moment to subtly show you he’s still holding on to you too”. She said, “if I unblock him that means a few different things:

  1. I open myself back up to something that may not have changed.

  2. If I unblock him now it’s because somehow I hope he’ll reach out and if he doesn’t, I’ll be disappointed.

  3. The block is my attempt to protect myself because I no longer trust I’m in good hands.

  4. When I unblock his number, it’ll be as an act of forgiveness and release.

But the thing is, I’m not ready to forgive him yet because what if to forgive and release what I’m holding, means I let go of him this time. I think I cared so much and saw so much value in our connection that I needed something to keep me tied to him.

I don’t get to harbor positive feelings anymore, but I care about you so much that I’d settle for the negative ones if it means staying connected to you.

The details don’t always matter as long as they include him and sometimes people don’t forgive out of fear".

My theory?…. People don’t always hold on to grudges because they’re upset or hurt. Sometimes they hold on to what happened because it is all that’s left of a relationship they never wanted to end. To “let it go” would hurt more than being upset and angry.

The person just wants to be free to love** and their holding on to offenses, grudges, or any other negative feeling, is really just love in a last resort kind of way.

I have all of this inside and I need to express it but clearly love is not an option. So what else does love do? Sometimes it’s channeled elsewhere, best case scenario. Most times it’s forced to be displayed in a different and maybe not so healthy way. To unblock you is to forgive and release the affect you had on me.

But I’m almost ready to let you go.... it’s optimisitic to wish.  

**(Used loosely because it’s not in a "to have and to hold" kinda way)