It’s not really about the person you know. I’ve met some really wonderful people since then. It could have something to do with the fact I felt like our relationship was abrupt prematurely. We didn’t get to bud and bloom. Sometimes I still get angry about that. But maybe it’s not about the person. I think it really boils down to it was just a lot to endure and go through. It was very hurtful. While just, it was still unfair.
And I haven’t fully learned how to navigate those waters. No fault with God but more so “who said you could hurt me like that?”. I don’t think that’s directed toward him but to the memory... or to the consequence of the action... maybe to to the pain itself. Just who told you you could hit me like that. 6 years in and
It’s not about the person anymore. It’s about the pain.
I couldn’t put my finger on it but time left alone I have nothing else to do but talk to myself. No desire really to be with my friends because that’s another reminder... not really wanting to do much but wishing I could do everything at the same time. Just wanting an overwhelming amount of excitement. Fun... but not the kind that numbs me... which seems to be all the world can offer me right now. I long for the kind of fun that makes me feel everything... but even the negative feelings are overtaken by the good ones. The kind of release where love wins.
I thought maybe you were lacking but maybe it is me. Maybe I’m trying to say a lot and you aren’t keen enough to catch what’s behind the words. “It just feels like lately we haven’t had real [time]”.... “quality time”.... long distance is hard because you don’t have the freedom of free time. Everything has to be arranged and plan. Whims don’t work with long distance. Distance equals rate x time. Distance impacts the rate of which we have time. The bigger the distance, the bigger the decrease in frequency of time spent.
The theme here is time. All I’m asking for is increased time. Have we fallen off or am I more sensitive now that I’m reminded I’ll never have enough time.
All I ever require of those I want the most is time... and it’s the one thing I can never get enough of... which is probably why I’m drawn to those who cant and those who won’t give it to me. What is the one thing money can’t buy? Time... or can it? Maybe that’s where my underlying theme of tussling with how I can make more money comes from. Lack of time... so throw money at what you don’t have time to do. I could say so much about that but I’ll let that thought go…feels like a rabbit’s hole. I notice when things change... people change... seasons change. After a few subtle requests it’s easier to result to shutting everything out. ‘Tis my season where I don’t want to feel or be connected to anything that forces me to lack. To the outside I project numb. You’ll feel like I’m unreachable and unreasonable. But on the inside I feel it all and I feel it strongly. Just a ball of emotions. I don’t wanna be touched because I don’t wanna feel... and normally everything that touches me, it’s their lack I can feel.
Last stretch of the year. Through a pandemic this should be different. I just want to get through it