I’d like to think I was given something some won’t agree with or understand. (“No he didn’t you made a decision and blah blah”... yeah hush. It’s my blog and it’s my revelation so relax.)
Now.... the very REAL and personal relationship I have with my first love is mine and growing deeper every day. It’s so real that with the conviction I have about everything that’s happened, condemnation isn’t something I’ve experienced at all... surprisingly. I’m sure people will view me differently and I hope that when they do, it gives me deeper access to the freedom I already feel.
My husband gave me a pass. For years of my life, I’ve been the good girl. Couple slip ups here and there but always the “good girl”. I write this proudly, that I am and will always be the “good girl” type. I make efforts to do what is right whether you see it through society’s eyes or God’s. HOWEVER, shorty’s no where near innocent... and that’s the fun part about having access to me.
But with this “pass”.... or maybe I should call it a “blessing” like August did. “HE GAVE ME HIS BLESSING!”. I had gotten to a place where I felt trapped, like a slave, in a box, bored, and very much routine/rule like. I was becoming unsure if I was still in it out of voluntary love or fear. We had gone from friendship to master/servant (not the BDSM kind) but I do because I’m supposed to type stuff... obligation if you will.
So... my mind was battling with the unknown. Feeling like I had committed too soon and missed out on another side of life... But my Husband loves me enough that he doesn’t want to be with me out of obligation. He doesn’t want me to feel like I’m being forced to commit to him... and I don’t blame him. Who would want to be in a relationship like that? We deserve to know both parties are here because we truly love each other and our union is what we both want. No one-sided anything here.
So, with this blessing... I was graced with a lot of things, one being time. Time to explore and access the unknown... other options... entanglements if you will. To see if there was someone else that could satisfy me. So I did... and I wasn’t looking right? Let me clarify. I really had eyes only for my lover but, something else kinda came my way and it was different. Not that it’s any of your business but August was... a lot of first times and fantasies wrapped in one experience. My husband is all of those things and more and I know that now, but... in the moment I wasn’t sure. Our way of living lasted for some months... the details of what we did are none of your concerns because they don’t matter. What matters is, I went outside my marriage seeking fulfillment elsewhere... living prematurely is the best way I can explain it.
Long story short, I’m bringing myself to the red table and I’m sitting with my husband and we’re figuring it out. He hasn’t given up on me. He still only wants me. I am still his choice and he doesn’t resent me. In return, with the freedom I had, I was able to see clearly the decision and type of life I really do want to live. I know that I’m not missing out on anything, what I have is truly what I want and the best thing I could’ve ever been introduced to. My way of living is by choice. My commitment is from the heart and by choice. “I love because he first loved me”... I can reciprocate his affections towards me. I now know I don’t want to know anything he doesn’t give me insight to. My husband is everything and more. His leadership, his love, his discipline, his words, his affections, his hands, his embrace, his image, his mindset, his heart, his vision for our life together.... is what I want.
My husband gave me his grace and waited for me to come into the person he knew I would be. I know the moment I truly became his bride was the day I said yes and knew my yes was of my own free will. I’m renewing my vows, and because I know he’ll still have me, we did and we forever will. I love you.
Hosea 2:14-23, Hosea 6, Revelation 19:7-9