What’s something I want to accomplish that I haven’t been able to do?
That’s a loaded question. I’ve been hiding under a rock lately and to be honest with you, that’s where I want to be for a while. Let’s see, people say the hardest year of a marriage is the second year.... or at least that’s what I’ve heard. I heard if you can survive year two you’re in it for the long haul. I don’t know how true that is but boy if project two hasn’t been rocky. I’ve been writing for yearssss.... like four going on five. Okay, maybe that’s not that long but in my almost 5 years, too many blog posts, even more unpublished journal entries, countless social media engagement, several journals, and two books.
Who the hell am I to create such a powerful project and then decide “I’m done” after getting it all out?
That’s where I am...In this really weird space. I think about the money I’ve invested, lost, made back, and have put back into running “With Love, J. Sheppard”. I think about how many times I’ve had to “write it out”. I looked over all those tears, happy false moments, and epiphanies in my journals. And I’m laughing because you guys, I really feel like “quitting” and I use that word loosely because I’m not really “quitting” but I am looking at the bigger picture and it’s like “alright, you’ve had a great run and you’re at the top of your performance with this.... what’s next?” And nothing is coming. I look at the expenses, physical, emotional, and financial and the fact that I quit my job and I think “do I still want to be bothered with this financial commitment?” And not that I don’t have the money to keep it running, but just this avenue alone is enough for me to purchase a plane ticket to the west coast and maybe pay a utility bill.
What else is there for me to write about when it comes to “overcoming heartbreaks for your heart’s sake”? (In case you didn’t know, that was the initial purpose of all of this). I feel like I’ve been there and done it. I overcame (several times) and left a great piece of work to help you do it. Now what? I feel so aimless lol and I’m apologetic about it because, I feel like I’m disappointing y’all and if not y’all, maybe myself. I feel like Whitney is in the background singing “where do broken hearts go????”
Ultimately, Im out of it guys. 2018 was a FABULOUS AND PRODUCTIVE year and we’ve had some realllllly great moments these last 5 years but as the visionary of all of this, I’m lost. What else is there for me to do with this? Becoming an author and writer was never something I wanted to do, it just sort of happened. Now that it’s happened, it can’t be undone. What else can I do? What do I write about now? Is this really who I’m supposed to focus on being or is there another area I need to pursue? What do I do next? (No freaking answers). 27 is creeping and I’m drawing blanks.
I look at everything I’ve accomplished and when it comes to the “list”, what’s something I want to accomplish that I haven’t been able to do? Love.
If it was happening, I think I would have a new perspective to write from. Like, I mean there are a lot of topics I could write on as far as heartbreak is concerned but guys, we’ve done that several times over, I mean come on. Definitely not trying to be stuck in that narrative for the rest of my life. I could tell y’all about the married guy that regrets letting me get away... I could tell you about the dating guy who is also having regrets... I could tell you about the one I sometimes worry I’ll never be able to exceed... hell I could tell you about the smug asshole who definitely didn’t deserve me and will be on the regret train sooner than later, or I could tell you about the guy who’s still a good friend but I worry I’d only entertain him because I’m lonely. But.... I’ve been there and expressed all of that at some point or another. I’ve encouraged, built up, and enhanced perspectives for a few individuals. For a while, this outlet has been my baby. What started off as a therapeutic relief and accountability partner has birthed into something really beautiful and dear to me.... but I worry if there’s anything more.
I’ve never been good with “breaking up”, I usually stick around and force them to do it for me because I don’t like the notion of “giving up” on anything or anyone. So. Am I signing off? Shutting it down? Saying goodbye? Is this it for the writer side of J. Sheppard? It feels like it might be.