With Love, J. Sheppard

Lo-debar. Nostalgia. Genesis. (What's it like being a Christian?)

jelina sheppardComment

4:37…… these four walls SMELL like you. Every breath in…. nostalgia. Every exhale…. nausea. This window…. How wide the blinds extend…reminds me how open I was every time I’d lay on this bed. This bed…. if more so to the right of the room, I’d swear this was 2013. It doesn’t even really look like your room but in the dark is my present Lo-debar. I. Can. Not. Sleep. How many breaths do you think I’ve wasted tonight? 4:50….. the right hand of god, reach wayyyyy down…. Maybe a little “pick me up”… thinking if I’m drunk or high enough I’ll become so drowsy that I’ll pass out…. Stop girl. That’s not what you want… more nausea.

On one hand it’s nice to remember, on the other hand I’m aching in several places…. I’m tempted to unblock you and tell you, “I don’t miss you, but you’re in my body”. Layers of me. This is in no way, a soul tie. That’s been broken.

Yes there’s temptation but the slightest thought of sin is the carnal’s way of remedying.

Spiritually…. 40 days and 40 nights… joy comes with the morning light….. trouble don’t last always…. Present yourself as a living sacrifice…. Reasonable service… resist the devil and he will flee…. All of the above….. it’s a choice of spiritual maturity. Mentally, I AM sober and know I can wait it out. No more sleeping… just intentional meditation. Ever wanted to know what it’s like being a Christian. (Period because I don’t care if you’re wondering, I’m going to answer). Sometimes it is joy but everyday is a war. At first he fights for you and then after a while, you’re supposed to become “equipped” to fight your own battles with him being a strategy of war. 

I write and can feel the two of me battling. This must of been what it felt like in Genesis 25:22. Literally a side of me pressing against the other side…. The resistance and the overtaking. I wish I was making this up. Knowing if I lay down I’m giving it up. What’s it like being a Christian?…. This is only a moment. 5:09…. It’s almost time to get ready for church and someone’s up...

5:31….I made it.