The Box.

You ever wonder why when a man asks a woman to marry him, it’s a beautiful ring... inside of a box. 

I mean, what’s up with that? A box? I guess from a healthy and normal perspective, the box could represent a covering and protection... as it should in retrospect... but then there’s the good ol’ Jelly perspective; where a lot of things have a distorted, abnormal, and bilateral meaning. 

So this box... some people like the classic black while others prefer the pretty blue Tiffany, but it’s merely a box. I get in these situations where I wish I could be married right, but I seriously consider if I’m built for it. It’s the “come what may, I do” for me. Life has always been so up in the air in the most blessed, it worked together for my good, kind of way... but that doesn’t negate the pain. 

Anyway... this box. I’m gonna get it out, I’m just concerned about how it reads once I type it, but it’s a box. Is it this really beautiful symbol of commitment, love, and success confined by a box? Is it I’ll give you all of me if you’ll commit to being the idea of what I envision inside this box? Now... you’re probably thinking I’m a conspiracist, and that “GIRL ITS JUST A FREAKING BOX FOR PRESENTATION PURPOSES. YOU OVERTHINKING IT!!!!!!” But I look at the success rates of marriages now and I wonder “is it”? I wish I could do a study on the couples who said yes to the box and survey what the relationship is or was like so I could see if that box gives any inclination about what your marriage would be like based on what type of spouse you are. 

But that’s burritos under an expensive hood. Not important.... just a thought. I will always be an over thinker because I absolutely have to get it right. After getting it so wrong with so many close calls.... I know God keeps a look out. He’s very faithful with that... but I can’t help but feel like apart of getting the blessing is in my vigilance... in my rationalizing... in my overthinking until I’ve dissected it fully and have weighed the room for error to decide if it’s a risk I’m willing and can afford to take. 

Is it just a box? I know one of the many things I’m afraid of is, being in a place where I can’t grow or where I feel stuck or limited. Limitations really get under my skin because biblically it just doesn’t make sense. But is it just a box? 

Heads up? Don’t present me with a box. Just ask me with my ring and maybe put it on top of a cupcake or something…because a lifetime of cake, I’ll definitely commit to. 

From My Heart To Yours...

Marriage isn’t the goal for me. It’s apart of the process. It’s a “state” across the journey. Don’t just ask me to marry you. Be creative. I’m not the average woman, I’m very much set apart and a gem to say the least. And if I sound strong in what I’m saying, its because I’m deserving. Today I’m frustrated because I’m tired of achieving alone. I’m ready to do life with you. Don’t run from me when I tell you my dreams. Don’t loosen your grip on us when I bring up subsequentials. I see where I want to be and it’s with you. Is that a bad thing? Is it a scary thing, to have someone that wants to live with you?

I want to figure things out with you. I want to experience with you. I want to study us and discover the limit does not exist. I want to conquer this world… spiritually. I want to be better than most. I want to be better with you. Everything at this stage is doing life with you. Most people think when a woman is looking for a commitment it’s really she’s ready to be married tomorrow, but that’s not true. Marriage should be the reward for taking on this commitment.

I vow a ring will never have more value than your existence.

I do want the commitment and I do want your heart. Am I ready to exchange my last name for yours? Absolutely not. I don’t want to focus on that. I don’t want to focus on gaining titles. I don’t want to focus on the outside opinions or societal requirements. I just want to do life with you.

I-just-want-to-do-life-with-you.

Ijustwantodolifewithyou………

I…. just want…. to do life…. with you.

Can't we just live our lives... together?

I’m frustrated because I don’t feel heard. Frustrated because what I want isn’t accepted. I don’t feel as if I have a say so… I have to wait on you for it to be valid and you’ll take the credit for what I’ve prayed. I’m not sure if I know you or have even seen you… either way. You’re not listening. Today, I love you and I’m committed to maintaining for you, but you don’t hear me and I don’t feel like you’re fighting hard enough to reach me. I’m frustrated because I. Can’t. Get. To. You.

Today, I don’t want to live alone…. I just want to be doing life with you.

"I WANT MY DREAM BACK"

"It's hard to move forward because deep down you're still hoping the person you fell in love with is going to resurface... but the truth of the matter is they never existed. You fell in love with the idea of who they were and now you've been exposed to who they really are"       (Dr. Kevin A. Williams). 

You have to let go because the imaginative version of him or her will never be who they've shown themselves to be. You fell in love with a dream only to get to stuck with what you were never going to escape.... Reality.

I'll admit it. When my dad and I had that conversation, it broke yet another piece of my heart. I mean it was like really? I've called myself moving on and it seems like no matter how far I go, he, the past, still has some level of power to break me. 

Well the truth was, I hadn't moved on. I was in the process and then after 9 months of no communication or sight, we reconnected. I thought I was strong enough and I wasn't. As the weeks went by, even though I knew I didn't have the intentions of getting back together, I found myself looking forward to seeing him on my timeline. I looked forward to him sliding in my DMs or hitting my phone for whatever. I looked forward to the conversation and without any intentions, I found myself yearning to talk to him. I became "fuzzy". 

When I say "fuzzy" I mean I was in that place of "maybe he wants to get back together" or "maybe we could try again... time has passed, we've both grown... we're over whatever happened"..... let me help you. STAY AS LOGICAL AS POSSIBLE. "When women get fuzzy, they get optimistic" (Dr. Kevin A. Williams). The word fuzzy means difficulty to perceive clearly. Lord knows it happens to the best of us. We spend a lot of time in our relationships as fuzzy. Only a select handful are actually sure. I know I know, you never get to be sure... God overlooks you in that area, well listen here. YOU'RE PREACHING TO THE CHOIR A MESSAGE I'M TIRED OF HEARING. I've had to be hard on myself and stop that pity party. If you wanna be sure, pay attention to what's happening and stay in tune with God. (I'll talk about that at a later time... stay with me)

I was still in love or maybe I was still connected to and stuck on what I thought we were and could be. 70% of me was sure we would never be, but that other 30%..... was stuck. I wanted my baby back.... I wanted the dream he sold me... I wanted them both. I couldn't move forward without it or him without having understanding replace them. 

See, I have this theory we are all holding on to something and we never truly let go of one thing without being able to hold on to something else... but that's neither here nor there. The understanding I was looking for, I tried to get from him. I tried to communicate that I needed it and we talked a couple of times. He didn't really give me anything that made sense though, because it wasn't what I wanted or needed to hear. It wasn't "I still love you lets get back together" nor was it "I never loved you, I was lying, I wanted to see other people, I just didn't want you".... it was a bunch of fuzz. It wasn't definitive nor something concrete I could stand on. 

Needless to say, it kept me optimistic; Until I had a real conversation with my dad. He was gentle in giving me the understanding I needed but the truth itself was forceful. I don't know if what my father told me is that man's truth but I felt like it was something I could hold on to. It felt like understanding. My love was never truly my love. He was a fleeting glimpse of hope and not my resting place. He didn't sell me a dream he gave me something to buy into.

"You can't buy something without having the proof you've bought it. If you bought something and didn't get the product, you've invested into something and a knowledgeable man understands you don't always get a return. You bought into the dream but it was never your dream to begin with, it was his... and he has probably and will most likely sell that dream to someone else until he's had enough of what if and becomes ready to build what could be" (Dr. Kevin A. Williams).

So what do I do now? I have nothing. I have no dream. I have no him. 

You search diligently for an understanding... you stand on YOUR truth. You did what you could and he wasn't where you was supposed to end. You journey forward the best way you know how. You fight for an open mind that will welcome new people. You condition yourself to not look back and rest in knowing what's for you will always find it's way to you. That's the promise of God. When in doubt, trust him. 

*1 Corinthians 2 : 9-12 and 14*

The Little Heart That Could

Getting back out there.... that's something isn't it? Surveying the dating scene and having to interview people to see if you want to hire them for the vacancy you have. I'll be honest, it's one of the most aggravating things ever. It should be fun and exciting but it's not. Whoever tells you that it is is lying! (Or maybe it really is if you're an extrovert). 

For the little heart that could, it's extremely agitating. What I mean is (for the reader I could very well be dating one day), the process itself is overwhelming. Getting to know someone new, standing up to fear, taking a risk when you honestly don't have much left to risk.... trying to maintain conversations and intentionally know someone new; it can be a lot for the little heart that would. OH! AND DON'T TRY TO KNOW MORE THAN ONE PERSON AT THE SAME TIME. Boy, that's a whole other level of anxiety in itself lol. 

So some advice for the little heart that could, take your time and take it little by little. Go at your own pace and be very intentional about your "getting to know you" process. There's nothing to be lost in taking your time other than a distraction. The wrong people will feel a way because it's not going the pace they want, but the ones that are meant to be apart of your life will give you the space you need when you need it and the closeness you want when you're ready. Just keep in mind the good ones don't wait forever so communicating, pure intentions, and the actions of "trying" that follow are what will weed out the wrong ones. The right ones will help you when you "think you can you, you think you can...." until it becomes "I thought I could, I always knew I would"... I imagine that other heart will become the one you were always trying to reach. 

Advice for the one pursuing the little heart that could.... be patient and pure. Be honest and let time draw you two together. Don't be so pushy in wanting what you want that you push your little heart that would away. Take it little by little. You have to believe in the value of the heart you want to gain otherwise, you'll put a lot of ultimatums on the table forcing yourself to walk away. Enjoy the moments you can. Make the time you two spend so irresistible that the little heart that could becomes the little heart that will. Just keep it light and pay attention to the signs.