With Love, J. Sheppard

Doing It Wrong 08-2016

jelina sheppardComment

Sometimes taking a break from the commitment does more harm than good. I’m usually all for taking a step back to regroup but this time, the break scares me or maybe it’s scarring me… Either way, I don’t think I’m feeling what was desired for me to feel or maybe this go around I’m not taking the “separation” the right way.

Time apart for the lovers is healthy though right? When you’re away from the one you love it’s supposed to remind you how much you genuinely love each other. It’s supposed to show you how special the time you spent really was. When you take a break it’s supposed to help you remember what life was like before that person came into your life. The break is supposed to be just that, a break.

So why do I feel like this is going to be my new normal. Why does it feel like we’re too far apart to ever reconnect. We could come together again but this time it doesn’t feel like we’ll ever be the same. As tough but great as it was, I don’t know if I’ll ever love you as much or as deep as I did before. If the choice presents itself to commit back, I don’t think I will ever be able to love you as fearlessly as before. Before, you’d say jump and without knowing I’d take that leap. Before, you could need my last bit of strength and I’d happily give it because I knew loving you would always yield longevity in strength. Before, I’d risk and give it all. Before, I risked and gave it all…. Now?

It doesn’t feel the same. My giving now comes with thought. How much is too much? My strength now feels like it needs to be saved for something worth dying for. You don’t feel like you did before. You’re numb and cold. I’m deaf and wounded. Together, it doesn’t seem like a perfect fit anymore. 21 days in… That’s enough to break or create a habit right?

21 days in… I don’t think we’re going to make it. 21 days in and I don’t think the break was worth it. 21 days in and you can’t reverse it. Every time I’m reminded its like the stitches are pulled out only to cause more damage. Hemorrhaging. I don’t get remorseful…I second guess and the pride that never existed before emerges with the thought “there’s more outside of this”.

People hurt you and don’t think their actions through. What is your plan to correct me? Or do you even care? Either way, maybe this was the wrong kind of break. This break makes me rethink my commitments. This break makes me wonder why I thought this would be different? This break makes me look at you differently, like with every smile, I’ll still be very much on my own. I don’t and probably will never trust you again. We could call ourselves a team, but in my heart, it would be me against the world.

When they’re very much committed in the heart, calling a time out or break is received as punishment for being loyal to you… They’ll never be able to love you quite the same. 21 days in…